Our War
by pllrose
Summary: Emison. AU. A broken Alison DiLaurentis is hospitalized in a psychiatric ward where she meets Emily Fields. Alison & Emily's struggle to help each other understand their mental illnesses while finding solace in each other. Trigger warnings and M.
1. Chapter 1

"Please fill these out, Ms. DiLaurentis," the nurse said, handing Jessica the hospital's admission forms. Alison huffed and shot the nurse her signature death glare. She glanced down to the sticker on her chest which read 'Nurse Peggy' below the Radley Sanitarium logo. Alison remembered seeing some staff wearing metal name plates in the hospital's other branches and had figured they would be a safety concern in the psychiatric ward. The short, grey-haired nurse caught Alison's glare, but didn't waver. Thick skin was an unspoken job requirement for anyone who worked in the psych ward. "I'll be right back. Let me know when you finish those forms," Peggy shot back a similar, but much less intimidating glare and disappeared through the door behind the front desk.

 _How'd such a bitch get such a sweet name?_

Alison, surprised that the nurse didn't falter, realized what little strength she had left was abandoning her body. She startled herself when she caught sight of her reflection in the dark, barred windows. She hadn't actually looked at her reflection in several weeks. Her normally beautiful, perfect blonde tresses were disheveled, having not been washed for almost 18 days. When she made eye contact with her reflection, she realized how empty and vacant she looked and immediately turned her attention back to her mother.

Jessica reached over the desk for a pen and began filling out the forms with a pained look on her face. Alison tried to think of what she could say to get her mom to change her mind, but all of her ideas came to an abrupt halt when she saw the pen making contact with the admission form. This was really happening.

"I'm not crazy," Alison pleaded, as she fought to hold back the oncoming barrage of tears. Alison was never one to beg or give up, but as she took in her surroundings, she found herself edging closer and closer to defeat.

The Radley wing of Rosewood General (21 West, Adolescent Psychiatric Inpatient Unit) was a lot nicer than what she had heard about Radley Sanitarium, but it certainly wasn't Disney World. If you were sent to Sanitarium, chances were you weren't getting out for a while. A _long_ while. The walls here weren't Sanitarium turquoise, they were 21 West…light wheat? Right in front of the main desk were scattered tables, a foosball table and two single armchairs facing a TV that was mounted so high on the wall, it touched the ceiling. _Probably another safety thing since it's one of those old, glass-screen TVs._ She had already been in the hospital for what felt like the whole day and by now it was 11:10pm. All the patients were in their beds. _They probably herd patients into their beds like cows._

"Alison…" her mother looked at her with sympathetic eyes.

"Mom, please," Alison begged, gripping her mothers arm, knowing she was about to lose this war. "Just put me in therapy again. I'll go to school, I promise I'll go. I mean it."

"I can't keep doing this. _You_ can't keep doing this. You haven't left the house in two and a half months. You make promises and you break them."

 _I don't mean to._

"I can't keep missing so much work to look after you. I can see how much you're hurting, but I-I…I don't know what else I can do."

"You need to change into these," Peggy said as she returned from the back room, speaking directly to Alison for the first time. Alison looked down at the sterile paper scrubs the nurse held in her right hand and warily took them in her own. "We'll need to search the bag your mom packed for you, including what you're wearing now." Alison gave a slow nod, too exhausted to fight the nurse she was still unsure about.

"Here," Jessica said giving the nurse the completed admission forms.

Nurse Peggy set the form down behind the desk and turned to Alison again, "Say goodbye to your mom and I'll have someone take you to your room." She extended her hand out towards Jessica, "I'll take the bag." Jessica removed the bag from her shoulder and gave it to Peggy. The nurse walked down the hall to get a male nurse. Alison looked like she was too exhausted to put up a fight of any kind, but it was procedure.

Jessica took a deep breath to compose herself, knowing that she had to be strong for her daughter. She knew Alison was on the brink of breaking down and as much as it hurt to leave her here, she couldn't bare to watch her daughter break.

The blonde watched Nurse Peggy descend down the hallway, but the nurse's words didn't register until she was out of sight. This was it. She was saying goodbye to her mom. She was _staying_ in a psychiatric ward. She was a Radley patient. Worst of all, she wasn't going home with her mom tonight.

"Alison…" Jessica slightly ducked her head to the side to get her daughter's attention.

Alison looked back at her mother and the evening's events finally caught up to her. She remembered the screaming match, the field hockey stick and the heart wrenching feeling she had when she saw her mother walk into her room with two police officers calling in an ambulance. She was completely burned out after 6 hours of crying during in-take in the ER and trying not to cry again until this moment.

"Sweetheart, it hurts me so much to see you like this."

"I'm sorry," Alison sobbed, finally allowing the tears that she had tried so hard to suppress to fall. Jessica pulled her daughter into her arms and let her baby girl cry on her shoulder.

"I don't want you to be sorry," Jessica pulled back, gently cupping Alison's cheeks and wiping away the falling tears with the pads of her thumbs, "I just want you to be happy."

 _How do I do that?_

"Ms. DiLaurentis, it's time for you to leave," Nurse Peggy said through a forced smile.

"I love you so much," Jessica said before placing a goodbye kiss on Alison's forehead. Alison nodded, unable to verbally return the "I love you" through the sobs that were making her body violently convulse. She looked away and closed her eyes so she didn't have to watch her mom leave. She heard the psych door close and her body went on auto pilot.

"Can you take her to her room and have her change? Room 2207."

"Sure," a male nurse responded in a friendly voice "Let's get you settled in, Alison," motioning for Alison to walk ahead of him. "Each room has 2 beds and a single bathroom, but there's no one in your room besides you right now."

Alison just nodded, still not trusting her voice.

"When you shower, someone has to stand outside and knock every 2 minutes. You'll have to verbally acknowledge the staff member each time. When it's lights out, a staff member will check on you every 20 minutes while you sleep. It all sounds really creepy, but it's just procedure. Some patients need more supervision than others and we need to make sure that you're all safe." Alison silently nodded again in understanding and stopped when she saw '2207' stenciled on a door. "Here's your room."

The male nurse kindly waited with his back turned outside Alison's room while she changed, leaving as much distance as he was allowed between himself and the door to give her some privacy. He could only imagine how uncomfortable it must feel to shower or change with the door open while a stranger, who was paid to listen intently to everything you did, was standing just a few feet away. He liked to push how far away he stood for the patients who needed less supervision when his superiors weren't around. He knew that not all patients benefited from in-patient hospitalization and that when patients would leave, they'd be nothing if not scarred, so he would always do what he could to help them. If he could get patients to smile every now and then, maybe the scarring wouldn't be as harsh.

Alison handed him the sweats and t-shirt she came in with as she scratched where the paper scrubs were already starting to itch. The _wearable_ paper was fitted to her body with flimsy strands of plastic that wrapped around the waist.

"Goodnight, Alison. Try to get some sleep. AM staff doesn't let anyone sleep in. This isn't a long term facility so you won't be in here too long." The nurse waited to receive Alison's nod before shutting the door. Well, shutting it as much as he could. Doors had to be left open at all times for the staff's 20 minute bed checks.

Alison let her body fall on the hard mattress and turned her body so she was facing the window on her side. Through her gated window she could see Citibank's glowing sign illuminating the small town in Pennsylvania. Rosewood, the town she grew up in, her home. She knew she was still in Rosewood, but couldn't have felt further from home as she listened to her sobs echoing in the cold room and cried herself to sleep.

 _Why couldn't you just be happy, Alison!? I did this. I ruined my life._

###

Alison woke up to a harsh knock on her door. She didn't think she would be able to get any sleep in this place, but the previous day had taken its toll on her.

"Time to wake up."

Alison scratched at the paper scrubs and turned her body to face the door, only to be disappointed to see that it was Nurse Peggy. "When will I get my clothes back?"

"When the bag is done being searched."

 _Well no shit, when is that?_ Alison kept her eyes locked with Nurse Peggy's, not willing to bow to this woman, and cocked an eyebrow.

To Alison's surprise, the nurse conceded and rolled her eyes.

"Probably this afternoon. Come out for breakfast and then come right over here to get your medication," gesturing to the heavy duty dutch door directly across from her room. "Oh and you need to shower and brush your hair first. Hey can you monitor her shower?" she questioned someone out of Alison's view while walking away to wake the next patient.

"No problem," a familiar voice answered.

Alison reluctantly got out of bed and started to make her way to her bathroom.

"Good morning, Alison. You might not remember me. I was the one who—"

"I remember you," Alison admitted.

"I'm Eddie, by the way. I would have introduced myself last night, but you seemed to be kinda out of it. Admission never really seems to be a good time for friendly introductions, so," Eddie held out his hand.

 _I guess he's the nice one._ Alison looked at his hand for a moment and tentatively shook it.

"Why don't you get showered and I'll wait right outside."

"Why are they making me shower _now_?"

Eddie sighed, "You need to get back into the habit of doing your ADLs."

Alison blinked.

"ADLs are Activities of Daily Living. You know like brushing your teeth and hair, bathing, eating, stuff like that. You need to start taking care of yourself again."

###

Showering while having to confirm she was still alive every 2 minutes proved to be a chore and Alison figured she would need to get really good at speed showering. Once she got out, she noticed that Eddie had left a clean towel and fresh paper scrubs right outside the bathroom for her.

As Alison dried off, brushed her hair and teeth, and carefully adjusted the scrubs, she couldn't stop her mind from going directly to blaming herself for everything that had happened. She blamed herself for her mother struggling with work, for her father leaving them and for feeling the way she did. _I know this is my fault. I know it is, so why can't I stop feeling like this?!_ Alison clenched her fists and didn't bother to hold back the tears. She wanted so badly to hit something, but knew that if she got violent, she would get sent to Sanitarium. _Stop wanting to hit something, you know you can't! Stop being depressed!_

"Stop it," Alison said to herself through gritted teeth. The frustration with herself brought on more waves of tears and her body began to shake with her fists clenched at her sides.

Eddie could hear the scrubs making ruffling noises from her shaking. He walked back into the room and put a comforting hand on her back. When he looked down, he noticed Alison's clenched fists. _She's fighting herself._

"Hey," he said softly, handing her a tissue from the box on the side table, "Let's get you some breakfast."

"I'm sorry," Alison whimpered.

"You don't have to be sorry. I'm not going to judge you. You're just beginning to fight a war against yourself and you don't need other people adding to it."

 _That's it. I'm fighting a war against myself…and I'm losing._

Alison cleaned herself up a bit with the tissue, but kept it squeezed tightly in her hand. Eddie led her out back to the area around the front desk where the patients already seemed to be well into breakfast. Keeping her head down and failing to hide her drying tears, she timidly padded over to one of the arm chairs facing away from the people having breakfast and towards the TV that was mounted too high for anyone's neck to tolerate. She sat down on the chair and brought her knees up to her chest, hugging her legs. She didn't bother looking up at the TV and she didn't dare look behind her at the other patients. She felt eyes on her and just squeezed the tissue in her hand as hard as she could until her knuckles turned white.

"Hey," a soft voiced asked, "do you want to sit with us?"

Alison hesitantly turned her head towards the unusually soothing voice and was met with warm brown eyes surrounded by perfectly tan skin.

"They gave me an extra box of Froot Loops," the brown eyed brunette lightly encouraged with a small smile, shaking the box in the air.

She didn't know why, but she found a sense of safety in the brunette's eyes and sat down in the empty seat at their table. She could feel the intense gazes on her, but sensed no malice and loosened her grip on the tissue.

"Em, no one in their right mind takes food from a stranger," the blonde seated next to Alison joked, nudging the tan brunette in the side.

"Poor choice of words considering where we are, Han," a more fair-skinned brunette snickered.

"Shut up, Spence," the bubbly blonde shot back. "Is anyone in the world really completely sane?"

"Beyoncé?"

"Don't you dare bring Bey into this!"

"Please, you think Sasha Fierce is a sane person?"

"I'm Emily," the tan and muscular looking brunette cut in, sensing the timid blonde's discomfort. "Now that I'm not a stranger, you can take these." Emily slid the small cereal box across the circular table to Alison.

"Thanks," the blonde stopped it from sliding off the table with the hand that was still clutching the tissue. "Alison."

"Alison, this is Hanna," Emily gestured toward the blonde who smiled back with a mouth full of food. Emily giggled at Hanna and Alison was able to catch Emily's slight dimple that showed when she smiled. "And this is Spencer," Emily turned her head toward Spencer who gave a smile and a nod. When Emily turned her head, Alison could see the small tattoo of a mermaid on her neck, a couple inches below her ear. Alison had always wanted a tattoo, but never knew what she wanted to get. Everything about Emily's mermaid was perfect. The mermaid's hair, the ink color, hell, this girl _was_ a mermaid.

Emily carefully watched Alison's eyes and had a feeling she knew what the blonde was looking at. Emily's eyes drifted down to what Alison was wearing and could see the outline of her bust and the curve of her hips through the oh so glorious paper get-up. Emily realized she was letting her gaze linger a little too long and cleared her throat just as Alison shifted uneasily in her seat.

"Umm…" Emily cleared her throat again, unable to stop herself from profusely blushing.

Spencer registered what was happening, "You'll be out of those scrubs soon."

"Spence, they're _paper_ scrubs. Those don't even count as scrubs," Hanna said with a disgusted look on her face which Alison found herself smiling at.

Emily quickly sobered and mentally thanked Spencer for giving her time to let some of the stupid silently escape her mouth while she wasn't trying to converse. She looked up and smiled because they had finally gotten the blonde to smile.

"You have dimples," Emily grinned.

Alison furrowed her eyebrows, _What? Oh yeah, I forgot I had those._ "Uh, I- yeah," Alison simpered.

Spencer studied Alison's reaction, "You haven't smiled in a while, huh?"

"I guess not," Alison shrugged.

"So, did Eddie give you the 'war against yourself' speech?" Hanna asked, her mouth full of Fruity Pebbles.

"Yeah," Alison looked down at her hands and squeezed the tissue again, "but I think I'm losing."

"Hey," Emily spoke softly, "We know how you feel. _I_ know how you feel."

 _I know how you feel._ Alison peered into Emily's honest eyes and felt the truth of her words. Emily nearly bore her soul to the blonde as she stared deeply into Alison's eyes, trying to convey exactly what she was trying to say. Alison seemed to get the message when she found a part of herself in Emily. Her lips parted slightly and Alison realized that both she and Emily had been broken. Not by anyone in particular, but by the constant battles they were fighting, the war they were trying so desperately not to lose.

"I have an extra shirt and some sweats that'll probably fit you."

Alison smiled again at Emily's kind words, "Thank you."

"We want to keep that smile on your face and those scrubs are probably going to be a hindrance."

Alison deliberately brought out her more pronounced left dimple to get a reaction out of the brunette, "And I guess you have a thing for dimples?" she raised an eyebrow knowingly.

Emily blushed knowing she'd been caught, then smirked at being able to draw the blonde a little further out of her shell. As Alison leered into Emily's consoling chocolate orbs, she realized she hadn't felt anything remotely close to the shred of happiness that just _talking_ to Emily gave her.

Alison had a long way to go before feeling like she was on cloud nine, but if she spent more time with Emily, maybe this war wouldn't be so bad.

* * *

AN: Just so you all know, I have been hospitalized 5 times for the mental illnesses I struggle with. If I make a joke about mental illness that offends you, I'm sorry, but I think that being about to make light of something that makes you miserable can help you cope. It did for me.


	2. Chapter 2

After the girls finished their breakfast, Emily led Alison past the front desk and down the hallway toward her room.

"The adjustment straps on these scrubs are weaker than reinforcement strips on looseleaf paper," Alison let out in a growl directed at the thin material.

Emily remembered how ill-fitting and itchy the scrubs were and although she thought the blonde could rock it in Vogue if she wanted, she wanted Alison to be comfortable.

"You'd probably look fine in looseleaf too, but it wouldn't be any less see-through." Emily cringed as soon as the words left her mouth. _Jesus fuck, Emily! You're supposed to do the thinking thing first! Oh god I just made it weird._

Alison's lips curved up into an amused smile and she playfully nudged Emily to let her know it was okay. She would have shut down and gone back to her room had anyone else said that. _Does she flounder through everything she says or is it just when she realizes she's making really obvious passes at me? Is she the mermaid or Flounder?_

Emily let out a sigh of relief, realizing she was spared more teasing.

"You're right next to me," Alison mused as they turned into Emily's room, 2206. _Wait, could she hear me crying last night? There's a vent between our walls, of course she heard you._

Emily glanced down at the vent Alison was looking at and contemplated what to say. _You should say something. You felt the same way as her on your first night here._ "I cried myself to sleep my first night too." _Damn it, Emily, you have the tact of Hanna._

The blonde would have ducked her head and shied away, but was too stunned at Emily's random confession and how well the brunette was able to read her. Whether it was because hitting rock bottom made you an open book or because Emily was…Emily, or a combination of both, she didn't know and couldn't find a reason to care. When Alison wasn't depressed, no one could ever read her. Maybe she had just found her one exception in Emily.

Alison sat on Emily's desk in the corner and watched her search through the drawers. After a minute or two of digging, Emily pulled out a blue shirt with the Rosewood Sharks logo on the front and 'FIELDS' printed on the back, along with grey sweatpants sporting a patch with the same logo on the thigh.

"Some of my old swim stuff," Emily shrugged while handing the clothing to Alison.

"So you _are_ the mermaid," Alison concluded.

"What?"

"Your…" Alison gestured to the same spot on her neck.

"Oh," Emily brought her hand up to her neck and lightly brushed the art with her finger tips, "Yeah."

"I get the swimming connection, but what made you actually get the tattoo?"

"My dad is in the military and when I was little he used to say that I was a mermaid. After he was redeployed to Afghanistan last year, I tore my rotator cuff. I knew I couldn't swim anymore and I didn't want to forget my life in the water. This way…" Emily exhaled and sat on the desk next to Alison, "This way it feels like I'll be able to swim again. Like I'll always be that mermaid."

Emily was taken back by her sudden anecdotal outburst. She had never actually told anyone the real story behind the tattoo. When people asked her about it, she'd just say something ambiguous about liking water and leave it at that.

"Well, it's beautiful. It suits you," Alison smiled and Emily beamed at the compliment.

Alison glanced down to the brunette's shoulder, "There weren't any surgeries that could have helped?"

"There was one, but it was too expensive."

Alison nodded and sighed. She and her mother knew financial struggle all too well. 3 months ago, Alison was spiraling in her most recent, and most severe, episode of major clinical depression. Her father, Kenneth, became particularly cruel and bitter towards the two DiLaurentis women in the bout of Alison's depression and walked out on them shortly after Alison stopped going to school. He removed Jessica's name from DiLaurentis Realty and moved the company down to Georgia near his mother. This left Jessica unemployed with a depressed daughter who wouldn't, or more accurately, _couldn't_ go to school and an older son, Jason, away at college, oblivious to the turmoil back home. Kenneth sent an email saying he would continue to pay Jason's way through college, but made it clear he wanted nothing to do with Alison and Jessica. Nothing about the separation was legal in the slightest, but there was no way she could possibly handle the stress of legal proceedings in addition to worrying about Alison _and_ finding herself a new job. When Jason finally called home and found out about what Kenneth did, he dropped half of his pre-law courses at Syracuse University to get a part time job so he could send money back home. He figured Kenneth was so distant that he wouldn't find out until he didn't walk with the rest of his class. As if Kenneth would even show up to Jason's graduation.

Emily recognized the distant look on Alison's face. She was certain that it wouldn't do the blonde any good to let her thoughts lay idle wherever they had just gone.

"Ali," Emily hedged.

Alison startled out of her thoughts and her eyes shot up at the use of her nickname.

"Uh I—sorry…Alison," the brunette forced out.

"'Ali' is fine, Em," the blonde soothed, not realizing her use of Emily's nickname. "I just…haven't heard anyone call me that in months. Well, except for my friend Aria. I haven't been to school since the beginning of October."

"I just wanted to know if you were okay. Your mind went somewhere else for a while there."

Alison let out a heavy sigh and rubbed her temple with her free hand, "Yeah, I do that sometimes."

Emily furrowed her brow, "You haven't been to school in 3 months?" her soft voice laced with genuine concern.

 _Shit, it's cute when she does that. Why does she care about me? I wish I could see her swim. Wait, she asked you a question. Answer her! Damn it, what was the question!? Idiot!_ Alison could feel the frustration with herself coming back and set the Sharks apparel down behind her. Alison shut her eyes and shook her head while she rubbed her temple with the palm of her hand. "I'm sorry, Em, I…" _She can't see me like this._ "No."

"Ali," Emily started to read into the distressed girl's frustration and oncoming panic attack.

 _Stop doing this! Please look away, Em._ Tears began to well in the blonde's eyes.

"Ali."

"Not again," Alison pleaded with her body. _I already had one today!_

Emily ducked her head slightly, trying to get Alison's attention. "Ali," she pressed.

She brought her eyes down to Alison's thigh and saw how hard the blonde was squeezing. The brunette turned her body on the desk so that she was facing Alison and placed a gentle, but sure hand over the blonde's. "Ali, breathe," bringing her other hand to the back of Alison's neck.

Alison let out a shaky gasp the second she felt Emily's reassuring hand on the back of her neck. _She stopped it._ _She stayed and she stopped it._ "I'm sorry," the blonde coughed out through her gasps for air. "It's just…" Alison made a vague gesture to her head, "things in here."

Emily nodded and began to rub circles into Alison's back as she calmed from her near panic attack.

"I know. You don't have to apologize for anything," she said slowly shaking her head. "Mermaids get panic attacks too, you know," giving Alison a tentative smile, lightly squeezing the blonde's hand that remained on her thigh.

Cerulean and chocolate peered into one another, each identifying the same pain no one else had ever been able to relate to. Maybe it was pain no one else had ever _tried_ to relate to. Maybe no one else _wanted_ to.

Alison smiled.

"There are those dimples again."

Alison rolled her eyes and smiled wider. _She really does have a thing for dimples._ She followed Emily's intense gaze as it repeatedly flickered down to her heart shaped lips and back up to her eyes. Deciding to spare the brunette the decision, the blonde leaned in and pressed their lips together in a chaste kiss.

Alison let her lips linger on Emily's before pulling back slightly.  
"Thank you, Mermaid," she murmured.

"Mhmm," the brunette hummed, a content smile taking over. "Go get changed and then we'll go to the med counter," she said in almost a whisper.

Alison groaned at having to do anything else for the rest of the day,  
"If only complacency were a fashion statement," Alison whispered back.

Emily chuckled and Alison placed a quick peck to the brunette's lips before grabbing the clothes, reluctantly sliding herself off the desk and throwing a wink over her shoulder as she sauntered into the bathroom.

###

The two girls waited on the line for their meds, not breaking out of their daze even when Spencer and Hanna joined them in line.

Spencer narrowed her eyes and smirked.

"I should probably move behind you guys since they'll have to talk to me about my medication," Alison said, moving to the back of the line behind Hanna and Spencer with Emily instinctively following her to the back too.

Spencer elbowed Hanna and nodded her head to the side to draw the blonde's attention to Emily and Alison's overt gazes.

Hanna snickered at the sight. "I bet they've already kissed," Hanna whispered.

Spencer contemplated Hanna's words. Emily seemed like the kind of person who would follow her heart over everything else, but didn't think her friend would move that fast.  
"I don't think so, Han."

"Your next chocolate pudding says they have," Hanna proposed.

"Fine. We'll ask in the rec room."

The rec room wasn't actually a separate room so much as it was an area off to the side with a sofa and a couple loveseats, just out of view of the front desk where Nurse Peggy normally sat. No one ever said anything, but the girls were pretty sure that Eddie was the one who moved the furniture out of Peggy's view.

Spencer stepped to the side with Hanna after taking her vitamins and they decided to stand by and wait for the other blonde and brunette.

Neither Spencer nor Hanna had actual medication they had to take in the morning, both their medications had to be taken before bed. The brainy brunette had just requested daily vitamin supplements and Hanna wanted to keep her company while she waited.

Alison stayed close behind as Emily stepped up to the med counter. She internally scowled when she saw Nurse Peggy behind the counter. _She works meds too? Can't she go glare at kids somewhere else?_

"Fields, Prozac, 20mg. Concerta, 15mg," the nurse droned, placing two pills in a small plastic medicine cup next to a dixie cup of water.

Emily tossed the small white Prozac tablet and slightly larger grey Concerta tablet into her mouth and swallowed. Her face contorted in disgust. She had gotten better at keeping them down, but who ever said that the chalky Prozac tablet had no taste was a liar.

 _Ugh, I remember that gross chalky taste. Literally a hard pill to swallow._ Alison recognized the first one as a common anti-depressant, however she knew that Prozac was used to treat _a lot_ of other mental illnesses and couldn't assume that Emily was taking it specifically for depression. Alison had taken it before, but it hadn't worked for her. _But what's the Concerta for?_

"The Concerta is for my ADHD and I take the Prozac to help with the depression and anxiety."

 _How does she keep reading me like that?_

"DiLaurentis," Nurse Peggy flipped to Alison's file.

Alison stepped closer to the counter, brushing shoulders with Emily.

"Fields, step back," the grey-haired nurse said sternly.

"I want her here," Alison hastily cut in. Eddie was standing close by—the meds line always had to be monitored—but Alison still didn't want any one-on-one conversations with the sporadically hostile woman.

"Whatever," the nurse dryly responded. "Your off-site therapist and psychiatrist sent us your files. Our psychiatrist is putting you on Lexapro, the anti-depressant, and Concerta. We'll start you on low doses and increase—"

" _What?!_ Why am I taking ADHD medication?!"

Spencer stopped lecturing Hanna on the difference between 'wanton' & 'wonton' and the two turned their attention to the increasingly loud blonde.

"For your ADHD."

"I don't _have_ ADHD," Alison said like it was obvious.

"It's on your chart."

"That can't be right," the blonde said warily, becoming less and less sure of herself.

"It says here you were diagnosed when you were 7…confirmed by every therapist you've had since," Nurse Peggy said, skimming through the long file.

Alison's eyes widened. Her mother had taken her to a therapist for the first time when she was 7. She had never bothered to look at her own chart and just trusted that her mom told her everything she needed to know. "She knew," her eyes starting to well. "She knew," Alison said a little louder, her voice cracking this time. She furrowed her brow and set clouding eyes on the medicine cup containing the grey tablet as she fell silent and let the anger, betrayal, confusion and resentment take over her thoughts.

Emily, Hanna, Spencer and Eddie's hearts clenched as they watched Alison try to make sense of the long-sought answer to why her brain did what it did. Why she lived her life the way she did. Emily remembered what it felt like to find out she had ADHD, but could not begin to fathom what it would have felt like had it been kept a secret from her for 10 years.

The male nurse quietly moved closer to Emily, not wanting to send Alison into a worse state by startling her. "You girls take Alison and sit in the rec room for a while. Nobody's in there right now. I'll bring her the meds and some water when she's ready."

Emily nodded.

Eddie handed Spencer a pocket-size package of tissues to give to Alison.

Spencer took the tissues and silently responded with a gracious smile. _Good ol' Eddie, always there with a tissue or ten when you need it._

"C'mon, Ali," Emily said in the most consolatory voice she could muster. The brunette curled an arm around Alison's waist, gently pulling her away from the med counter and towards the rec room.

Even in her sudden comatose-like state, Alison found safety and comfort in the brunette's touch and willingly followed Emily.

Alison's silence was becoming unsettling, but Emily's concerns of possible catatonia were voided when the blonde promptly began to cry on the loveseat.

Emily spotted the tissues in Spencer's hand and had a hunch they came from Eddie. She was so grateful to have met her, Hanna and Eddie here, knowing they would always be following with tissues, hugs and Hanna's attempts at comforting jokes that made you laugh because of how tactless they were. She was even more grateful when they _quietly_ settled on the loveseat opposite her and Alison.

"She knew, Em," Alison's hoarse voice wavered.

Emily sat next to the blonde and snaked her arm around Alison's waist again, hoping it would stop the shaking from her suppressed sobs.

"My mom knew and she…" Alison buried her face into Emily's neck, "she watched me struggle in school, she forced me into years of pointless therapy, she watched me get frustrated with myself, she watched me learn to hate myself because I couldn't figure out why I was the way I was…" Alison hiccuped.

Spencer and Hanna painstakingly watched the two, entranced by the scene unfolding in front of them.

"She had the answer and she just left me in the dark."

Emily couldn't reassure Alison about her mothers intentions or unconditional love. She had never _met_ her mother. She didn't know what to do to make the devastating feeling of parental betrayal go away, but she tried to recall the day of her own diagnosis and knew what she needed to say.

"It's not your fault, Ali," Emily said with such sureness and compassion that she surprised herself. Alison visibly stiffened, yet the brunette could still feel the fragile blonde quivering.

The duo on the opposite loveseat held their breath in anticipation.

Emily leaned back into the small sofa, bringing the trembling girl down with her so that she was resting on the brunette's chest.

"It's not your fault. None of this is your fault," bringing her hand up to cup the back of Alison's neck. The action seemed to soothe the blonde earlier and she hoped it would work now. The shaking subsided at Emily's touch and the brunette smiled, pleased with herself. She gently slid her other hand under the hem of the old swim shirt and drew lazy patterns into the small of Alison's back, just grazing the soft, creamy skin with the pads of her fingers.

Alison hummed contentment and savored the skin-to-skin contact.

The duo let out a sigh of relief.

"Think back to all those times you snapped at friends and family without meaning to, when you said things you didn't mean to say and it got you in trouble, the friends lost because of impulsivity. Think about how hard you tried to focus during lectures and how confused and frustrated you were with yourself when the teacher called on you and you couldn't come up with an answer."

The blonde shut her eyes at the painful memories. She could remember doing each of the things that Emily listed on multiple occasions throughout her life. She wondered where the brunette was taking this.

"Maybe she finally realized it wasn't right to keep this from you anymore. She must have signed off on the Concerta prescription. You're not 18 yet, you can't take anything without your legal guardian knowing. Your mom may have known what the problem was and kept it a secret from you for a long time, but she brought you here. She brought you here and now you know the problem. Now we can find the solution…"

Emily's wisdom seeped through Alison's thick skull and the blonde smiled.

"If Concerta ends up not being part of that solution," Emily shrugged, "then you keep trying until you find what is."

Alison nodded and they remained in that position for a minute or two. "I can take them now, Mermaid," she whispered before pressing a sweet kiss to the tattoo on Emily's neck and leaning her head back to gaze up at the girl who's arms had quickly become her safe haven.

Emily tilted her head slightly and pressed a tender kiss to the blonde's lips.

"Hey, Mermaid, can you hold me next?" Hanna blurted out, not being able to stay quiet any longer.

Alison dropped her head back down to Emily's chest and their bodies shook with laughter.

 _That's our Han Grenade,_ Spencer thought.

"By the way, did you two kiss earlier?" the curious blonde pried.

"That's not for me to tell, Han." Emily realized she had just kissed the blonde in front of them. She had just sort of forgotten they were there. She was normally shy about PDA and didn't like talking about her intimate encounters with anyone who wasn't the individual involved.

"Fine. Alison, did you two kiss earlier?"

Alison finally felt like she was getting a good moment of tranquility as she listened to the brunette's heartbeat and didn't want to miss a beat so she just let the smirk on her face do the talking.

Spencer caught Alison's smirk, "Damn it, I was in the mood for pudding."

"Yeah! In your face, Spence! I told you!" Hanna cheered.

Emily was confused for a moment and then figured out what the sulking bookworm and ecstatic blonde were fussing over. "You bet on us kissing?"

"For pudding?" Alison giggled.

Hanna nodded her head, " _Chocolate_ pudding," she grinned proudly.

Eddie popped his head out from around the corner and was happy to see Alison at ease in Emily's arms. He walked over to the girls and set a small, metal tray down on the ottoman in front of Alison and Emily's loveseat. "We're starting you on 15mg of Lexapro and 10mg of Concerta."

The blonde sat up.

"You'll take the Concerta now and the Lexapro before bed."

Alison picked up the medicine cup and let the pill fall into the palm of her hand and grasped the water cup in the other. She warily eyed the grey tablet in her palm and looked back to Emily.

Emily gave a reassuring smile and put a supportive hand on the blonde's thigh.

Alison tossed the pill in her mouth, took a gulp of water and knocked it back.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: I wouldn't necessarily call this a slow burn due to the girls' diagnoses and behavior. Meds can only help so much and Emily & Alison have ADHD which, as you'll learn, makes them impulsive and emotional and affects a lot more than just their attention spans.

* * *

Alison squirmed in her seat, trying hard not to rest her hand on Emily's thigh under the table during lunch, having already been scolded by Nurse Peggy.

"Hanna, remind me to never make a bet with you again," Spencer groaned.

"Oh, Spence, lighten up," Hanna said, taking a big spoonful of her winnings, "I saw an opportunity and I took it. And you know what they say, 'When life gives you lemons, you-'"

"Make a vodka lemonade and drink your problems away," Spencer deadpanned.

"Not while you're on your meds," Hanna wagged a finger, mocking a motherly tone. "All bets aside, how long do you think it'll be before she explodes?" she nodded toward a _very_ antsy Alison.

Spencer snickered, "Not long. Why do we sit at the table _right_ in front of Nurse Peggy's desk?"

"Because when they roll the cart in with our trays, it's always parked right here."

Alison observed Emily's intense focus on eating. The swimmer had practically jumped out of her skin when Nurse Peggy slapped her hands on the desk and yelled at them for touching. The brunette had since gone silent and fixated on the surprisingly edible hospital food.

"You might want to slow down there, Em."

Emily continued to eat, not acknowledging the blonde.

"Em," the blonde repeated, desperately wanting to shake the brunette out of her non stop dining.

"Just give her a minute," Spencer said, holding a hand up, "Concerta decreases the appetite, so it's good that she's getting some food into her system."

When Emily finally stopped eating, all but the pudding on her tray was gone. She looked up to find Spencer eyeing the chocolate dessert. Emily rolled her eyes and chuckled, "Take it, Spence."

"Thank you," she exclaimed, grabbing the pudding cup.

Alison looked at Emily curiously, "Do you do that a lot?"

"Do what?" the brunette furrowed her eyebrows.

"Eat non stop until you finish all of your food?"

"Sometimes," Emily shrugged, "Sometimes the ADHD makes me hyperfocus on eating and sometimes I'm so hyperfocused on something else that I forget to eat."

 _Hyperfocus? Isn't 'Attention Deficit' in the name?_ "I thought not being able to focus was our whole problem."

"That's a misconception," Spencer chimed in. "ADHDers have problems _regulating_ their attention span. Hyperfocus can be a good thing, but it's a problem when you hyperfocus on things that don't _need_ to get done and you lose track of time."

 _Did she just call me an ADHDer? Is that supposed to be my new social category?_ "How do you know all this?" the blonde asked.

"When Emily got here, she told me she had ADHD and I wanted to know more so I read about it. A lot. It's a Hastings thing."

"Ah, of course. You're the smart one."

"Em and I will try not to take that the wrong way," Hanna teased.

###

With Emily and Hanna deciding to skip group and lounge on the sofas in the rec room, Spencer and Alison were left to share one of the laptops available to the few kids who decided to come to Book Group. It was really 21 West's lazy activity for when they were understaffed on the weekends. As the unit's charge nurse, Peggy was tasked with coming up with a way to prevent the patients from sitting around all day so naturally she thought, 'Let's have them sit around in a different room.' If you were called for Book Group, it always meant computer time in the library—the room they sat in that just happened to store a half empty bookcase.

"You and Em got together pretty quick."

Alison studied Spencer. _So that's why she insisted I come to 'Book Group.'_

"I think we were both acting on impulse. I've done that my whole life and most of the time I've ended up in trouble or with people hating me. But this time it was different," Alison thought of the kiss in Emily's room, "This time I'm glad I was impulsive."

Spencer nodded, quietly listening to the blonde really talk to her for the first time. Alison was so closed off this morning, she hadn't expected her to come out of her shell so quickly. She took a wild guess that Emily probably had something to do with it.

"This morning, when I came out for breakfast, I had never felt so scared and weak. When I turned around and saw Emily," the blonde's eyes softened, "I don't know, I felt safe. She didn't even know me, but it felt like she just wanted me to be okay."

"I just don't want you two rushing into anything. You've only known each other since breakfast."

"Spencer, I know from the outside it may _look_ rushed, but nothing about it _feels_ rushed. Yeah, I met Emily this morning, but each hour in this place feels like a week and it still feels like I've known Emily so much longer than that."

"Do you think she feels the same way?"

The blonde nodded with a surprising amount of vehemence and certainty, "Just since breakfast, she's read me like a book more times than I can remember. It's like she answers my questions before my brain can catch up to even think of asking them. She hadn't even known me for an hour when she stopped me from having a panic attack in her room."

Spencer's eyes widened a little. She had just assumed the blonde had waited outside while Emily got the clothes. Even after knowing Spencer and Hanna for a little over 2 weeks, Emily still wouldn't allow anyone to go into her room.

"I've never had anyone who knew exactly how to comfort me or calm me down. Not even my mom," Alison stiffened at the accidental mention of her mother, but quickly relaxed when she thought of what Emily's soft touch felt like against the back of her neck.  
"I don't want to say that I'm happy that she has ADHD too because that sounds like I want her life to be more difficult, but—"

"It feels good to have someone like that who can _really_ relate to what you've been through," Spencer surmised. "Not some therapist being paid to paraphrase everything you say and parrot it back to forge false compassion."

"Yeah," Alison smiled at the brunette's insightfulness.

"I think you should read up on ADHD. Emily has gotten more comfortable with it since she's been talking to me and Hanna, but I think it would help you both if you learned a little more about it."

"How about for the next couple days, I let myself get used to _knowing_ I have it and then we'll go from there?"

###

"I wish Katy Perry was in here with us," Hanna said.

"What? Why?" Emily gave the blonde a puzzled look.

"Because the therapists would ask her how she felt, she'd answer 'like a plastic bag drifting through the wind' and they'd lock her ass up in Sanitarium so fast!" Hanna finished and the two burst out laughing.

When their laughter died down, Hanna asked the one question she'd been dying to ask. "Em, do you think it's a good idea to get involved with someone right now?"

Emily wasn't surprised by Hanna's question. She had been waiting for the blonde to ask about the budding relationship.  
"I don't know, Han," she replied honestly.

"I mean I saw the way you two looked at each other all morning, but you saw how fragile she was. She _just_ found out that she has ADHD. Aren't you worried that being around someone who's just starting to be treated might set you back? That girl needs a lot of help."

"Han, some people will always need help. That doesn't mean they're not worth helping." _If I had had someone who understood me earlier, maybe I wouldn't have ended up in here._

"When did you become such a sage?" Hanna prodded jokingly.

"When did you _learn_ the word sage?"

"Sometimes Spencer recites the dictionary in her sleep. The B's and P's were the worst."

 _I'm so glad I'm not the one who has to room with her._

 _###_

Alison and Spencer moseyed over to the loveseats in the rec room after Book Group to find their friends sprawled out on a loveseat and sofa.

Emily sat up to make room for the blonde who plopped herself down on the small couch, bringing her legs up and pressing her back against the brunette's warm body.

"So what did you two do while we were at _group?_ " Spencer asked, putting air quotes around the last word.

"Just talked," Hanna responded casually.

Alison turned her head back to Emily and they shared a pointed look that told the other they had had similar conversations with Spencer and Hanna, respectively. The brunette put an arm around the smaller body pressed to her front and began to lightly graze the blonde's abdomen with her fingertips, letting her know she had nothing to be concerned about.

"Do they have any actual groups?" The blonde wondered out loud.

"They have a cooking group and a yoga group, but neither of them ever feel very therapeutic."

"But Em hasn't really gone to the cooking group since the Empanada Incident," Spencer teased and Hanna's body shook with laughter.

"Do I want to know what the Empanada Incident is?" an amused smile tugging at Alison's lips.

"She got frustrated folding the dough and started throwing them at the wall!" Hanna explained, happy to recount the event.

"Stop laughing, I was having a bad day and the stuffing wouldn't stay in!"

"You threw them at the wall with the stuffing inside?" The blonde giggled and gripped the arm wrapped around her to control her laughter.

"Well, not all of it. It wouldn't stay in!" Emily retorted, still annoyed with the empanadas.

The blonde laughed harder.

"Not you too," Emily whined.

"Relax, Em," Alison giggled one more time and angled her head back so she could kiss the side of Emily's jaw. "I can cook. I'll help you next time they have the group."

Emily blushed, this time remembering that Hanna and Spencer were in the room.

"DiLaurentis, you have a visitor," Nurse Peggy's distant voice rang out, startling Alison who promptly scrambled out of Emily's arms and off the loveseat.

"Stupid Peggy," Emily crossed her arms and grumbled to herself. Her brain registered what the nurse had said and her irritation quickly turned to worry, "Do you think it's your mom?"

The blonde thought for a second, "I don't think so," she responded shaking her head. "She works late on the weekends."

Alison walked out of the rec room towards the front desk and stopped dead in her tracks when she saw who her visitor was.

"Aria," she stared at the small, artsy brunette. _No, she can't be here._

"You don't look very happy to see me."

"No…I mean yes-wait no," she stammered, "Not yes like 'Yes, I'm not happy to see you,' but yes like—" The blonde stopped herself and took a deep breath. "I just didn't want you to see me _in here,_ " she finished nervously.

"Why not? You know I'd never judge you, especially for something out of your control." Aria reassured gently, leading them over to sit at one of the tables.

"I know, but it's still humiliating," Alison responded in a defeated sigh as she slumped down in a chair across from her friend. "It feels like I'm locked in a cage like a zoo animal," she said, ringing her hands nervously and mulling over what she was going to say next. _What are good conversation topics for when your best friend visits you in a psychiatric facility?_

Aria patiently waited for the blonde to gather her thoughts.

"So apparently I have ADHD," Alison blurted out. _Smooth, Alison, real smooth._

The brunette silently responded with a light smile and eyes full of kindness and compassion.

"You don't look that surprised, Ar." _Did she already know? Did everyone know except for me?_

"I found out when your mom called to tell me she was adding me to your visitors list. I think she told them I was your half sister or something like that because it was family only. I was surprised that she kept it from you, but I honestly wasn't that surprised when she told me you had it."

"Why do you say that?"

"Just little things you would do. Like…sometimes when we would study together, I would ask you something and you wouldn't look up. The first time it happened I thought it was kind of rude, but then I realized that you just didn't want to lose the thought you were on until it was done. After a while I just learned to call your name, wait about 30 seconds and then you'd look up."

Alison nodded slowly.

"And when we did Oliver Twist for World Literature and we were reading it in my room, you would either zoom through pages faster than Ezra, or you'd have this frustrated look on your face and you'd be stuck on the same page for like 10 minutes. Either way, when you tried to focus, it didn't seem…normal."

Alison was impressed, she hadn't realized her friend was so observant. She pondered what Aria had said and realized she basically described what happened at lunch with Emily. Now that she was around someone else who had the same things she did, it would be like watching herself, but in the form of a taller, darker, more muscular and more forgiving brunette.

Aria noticed the subconscious smile that crept onto the blonde's face. She knew that look. She got it herself whenever she was thinking about Ezra. Even after 7 or so breakups. "Who is it?" she asked, smirking.

"Hmm?" Alison's eyes shot back to Aria.

"Who are you smiling about?"

"What do you mean? Maybe I'm just really happy you're here," the blonde shrugged, trying to dismiss her friend's skepticism. _How am I supposed to explain Emily?_

Aria raised her eyebrows, unconvinced.

"It doesn't matter," Alison said hastily, quickly looking down at her hands.

"It does if they're making you blush that hard. You don't blush. Are they in here with you?"

The blonde kept her head down, but the smile she couldn't wipe off her face gave her away.

"I can see your face, you know. You're not getting off the hook."

Alison feigned annoyance and groaned, but gave in. She got up, walked around the table to Aria and put her hand out. "Come on."

As she watched the blonde walk over to her, she finally took a moment to take in what Alison was wearing. "When did you become a Rosewood Sharks fan?"

Alison ignored the question, grabbed the brunette's wrist, pulled her up out of her seat and started walking over to the rec room.

Emily stopped talking to Spencer mid sentence when she noticed the blonde striding towards them. "Are you okay?" she mouthed.

The nearing blonde saw the brunette's ardent concern and gave her a nod and a wink to alleviate her worry. "Guys," Alison cleared her throat, "This is my friend, Aria."

"Hi," the petite brunette greeted. She used to get nervous when the blonde forced her into abrupt meetings, but had gotten used to it after being friends with her for so long.

"Okay," Hanna marveled at Aria's outfit. "You might be the only person who could ever get away with wearing skulls, stripes and floral at the same time."

"Thanks," Aria beamed. Her style was eccentric to say the least and loved when people actually complimented it.

"Here," Spencer scooted closer to Hanna. "You wanna sit?"

"Sure," Aria graciously accepted.

"Aria," Alison started, "That's Spencer, that's Hanna…" she sat down next to Emily and they naturally fell into their previous position. _If I can't explain what this is to her, maybe I can just try and show her._ "And this is Emily."

Aria watched them curiously. Alison had never mentioned liking girls, but then again, neither of them had ever expressly spelled out their sexuality. She noticed how at ease the blonde looked in the brunette's arms. She watched as every frown line on Alison's face disappeared when she leaned against Emily and saw a light in the blonde's eyes that she hadn't seen for what felt like ages. The light was dim and faded, but it was there. _She finally looks happy again._ She knew that depression came in episodic waves and that this wasn't the end of the road for Alison. It would never be the end of the road for her, but she had a piece of her best friend back that she had been missing for months and it was thanks to the brunette with a protective arm around her.

"Aria, have we met before?" Emily asked. "Do you go to Rosewood High?"

Alison clasped her hand with Emily's over her stomach.

 _Ah, the Sharks stuff must be hers,_ Aria thought. "No, I go to Dalton Prep with Ali, my brother Mike goes to Rosewood though. I used to drop him off in the morning."

"Mike Montgomery?"

"Yep."

"On the lacrosse team?"

Aria nodded.

Alison started to feel uneasy at the mention of school. She hadn't thought about it in so long. What was she supposed to do when she got out of this place?

Emily felt Alison tense. "Ali?"

"What am I supposed to do?"

"About what?" Aria asked.

"School," she tightened her grip on Emily's hand. "My dad walked out on us, my mom can't afford the tuition even with Jason sending money back and it's not like Dalton would take me back anyway because it would tarnish their damn prestige," she let out all at once.

"Ali…" the alternative brunette trailed off.

"I haven't been to school in 3 months, Aria," she added vacantly.

"Ali, you just got here. You don't have to think about school right now," Emily reasoned.

"I'm going to have to at some point."

"You'll probably have to finish the school year here, like us," Hanna blurted.

"Hanna!" Spencer and Emily scolded.

"What?" a look of horror crossed Alison's face.

"Hanna's right," Aria confessed. She wished she wasn't the one to tell her this.

Emily had to receive this talk too and knew what was coming so she held Alison impossibly closer.

Aria took a deep breath and readied herself to deliver information that might ruin the blonde's current stretch of happiness. "Your mom told me that when the hospital thinks you're ready, they'll discharge you, but you're going to be released to the 21 East—Adolescent Day Treatment unit. You'll be allowed to go home at night. You'll just go to 21 East every day instead of normal school. You have to finish the school year in the on-site school they have and then your mom will transfer you to Rosewood High for senior year."

"It won't be that bad, Ali. Hanna, Spence and I will be right there with you," Emily tried to reassure.

Alison swallowed the lump in her throat. She had thought she was going to cry, but she guessed she was all cried out from the last 17 hours. She suspiciously eyed the still hesitant brunette, "There's more."

"You'll have to be in Day Treatment for an extra couple of months for summer school because of how much instruction you missed."

Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily all held their breath and waited for the blonde to burst into a fit of either tears or rage.

"That's it?" Alison asked confused. She didn't know what she was expecting, but whatever it was, it was worse than what she was handed.

The other girls blinked.

"Aria, I hit rock bottom when I cried myself to sleep last night, wearing _paper scrubs_ ," Alison joked. _Good lord, my humor has gotten dark._

The smaller brunette flinched at Alison's self-deprecation. She hated thinking of her best friend hurting so much that she cried herself to sleep.

 _I have a team behind me now._ "There's no where to go, but up right?" _I have Emily._ "I can do 7 months." _I think._

Alison silently thanked the universe for letting Aria visit her in here first. She didn't know if she was ready to see her mom. It would not have been a pretty quarrel with the amount of anger she was starting to harbor toward her mother. None of that resentment was going away anytime soon considering that the blonde was now beginning to experience how much the Concerta could help her. She needed answers. She needed to know why her mom would keep this from her.


	4. Chapter 4

The girls continued to chat in their corner while they waited for dinner to roll around. Alison had been doing pretty well in light of the news Aria had delivered and seemed to stay in a remarkably good mood after saying her goodbyes to the brunette.

"Aria seems sweet," Hanna said happily.

"She is," Alison mused. "We used to study at her house. For the first couple weeks that I stayed home, she thought there was a chance that I might go back to school and she'd come over to my house and try to help me catch up on work I had missed."

Emily smiled, happy that Alison had at least one loyal friend.

"She realized I was too depressed to face doing homework pretty quickly, but she'd come over after school anyway. Sometimes we didn't even speak for the few hours she was there, but she just stayed to keep me company," Alison reminisced. "She was the only one who visited me for 3 months."

"I'm glad you have her," Emily said honestly, putting a hand on Alison's thigh. She was truly grateful for anyone who had ever taken care of the blonde. When she noticed where her hand was she immediately felt self conscious. Sure, she had comforted and cuddled the blonde in front of her friend several times today, but everything seemed to have lulled and she was now hyperaware of her actions. How could such a simple gesture feel so significant?

Alison felt the almost unnoticeable tremor in the brunette's touch and clasped the hand on her thigh with her own. "I'm glad that now I have you guys too."

"I wish you guys had been here when I was admitted," Hanna's expression now somber.

"I was here, Han," Spencer corrected before she could stop herself.

"No you weren't, Spence," Hanna said confusedly.

"I was, Han." the brunette sighed. "I was here 6 days before you," she admitted.

"What are you talking about? I didn't see you at all until my third day."

"I wouldn't leave my room for the first 3 days and when they tried to physically carry me out, I fought the nurse so they put me in The Kennel."

Alison glanced at Hanna and Emily and saw flashes of disgust and fear. "What's The Kennel?" she asked hesitantly.

Emily squeezed Alison's hand. "If you're violent or you get on a staff member's bad side, they put you in The Kennel. It's a small row of solitary units between 21 East and 21 West. They're basically concrete boxes with a small gym mat. It's like SHU if you've ever seen Orange is the New Black."

"You're treated like an animal so we just call it The Kennel," Hanna painfully added. She hated picturing anyone locked in one of those isolation units, let alone the girl who had become her best friend and support system.

Alison's face instantly shared the other girls' disgust and fear. "Wait, they kept you in there for 3 days?"

Spencer sadly nodded. "They're not supposed to keep you in there for more than a few hours, but if they're not being audited, I guess they just throw you in and don't let you out until they remember that you're in there. I had been in the middle of an episode of mania right before I was admitted and I was coming down and starting an episode of depression when they brought me in. On top of that, I was detoxing from amphetamines. It took them longer than it should have for them to figure that last part out though."

"Why didn't you ever tell me what happened?" Hanna asked, teary eyed for her friend.

"You were still in such a fragile state when I got out and I didn't want to fill your head with all that had happened to me. They were still monitoring your meals and bathroom breaks to make sure you didn't purge right after. By the time you were more stable, I had already tried to block the memory out."

"I'm so sorry, Spence," Hanna brought the brunette in for a hug. "I wish you had told me."

"It's alright. You helped me."

"I didn't help you. You're the one who sat with _me_ that day."

Spencer smiled in the blonde's embrace. When she had gotten out of Kennel and saw Hanna eating alone, her heart broke and she made it her mission to keep the blonde out of isolation. Hanna had been under heavy supervision for meals and no one wanted to sit with her under Nurse Peggy's evil eye. She had no idea that in sitting with Hanna that day, she was helping herself out of her episode of depression. By promising herself to protect the blonde from the less favorable staff, she was making a promise to Hanna—a promise she couldn't break. Being Hanna's protector made her feel like she had purpose, like she was needed. And she was. When Hanna's meds kicked in, Spencer realized that Hanna's bubbly personality was like the perfect supplementary anti-depressant for the lithium she was taking.  
"You did help me, Han. More than you'll ever know."

Hanna squeezed the brunette tighter.

"Knock knock," Eddie said, turning the corner to the rec room. He would always poke his head out or announce himself in case the girls were in the middle of something important. He had learned his lesson when he walked in unannounced and startled Hanna and Spencer who were crying in each others arms. Hanna had briefly lifted her head to scream "We're trying to have a poignant moment!" and continued sobbing into Spencer's shoulder.

"Hey, Eddie," Hanna wiped her eyes and smiled, happy to see the male nurse who would remind her of her beauty on her darkest days and sneak her an extra pudding when she had gotten comfortable around food again.

"Hey," he noticed her tear stained cheeks. "You doing okay?"

"I'm fine. I know you have tissues on you somewhere, but I don't need 'em right now," Hanna teased.

"I'm always good for a tissue," Eddie chuckled. "Alison, we're receiving a new patient soon and they need their own room for acclimation period so you're being moved. I moved your belongings into Emily's room."

"Okay," Alison tried to keep the giddiness out of her voice, but had a feeling Eddie could tell she was happy about it regardless.

"Oh, and they finished searching your bag. I put that in there too."

"Thank you," giving him a grateful smile.

"No problem," he nodded, catching a glimpse of her hand clasped with Emily's before he walked away, smiling to himself.

"Ali, don't you want to change?" Spencer asked.

Emily took in the blonde fitted in her clothing, delighted with her last name printed across Alison's back. _No, she's good._ She glanced up to see Spencer and Hanna with amused faces and realized she had said that out loud.

Alison looked down and smiled, forgetting that she was wearing Emily's old swim apparel. The blonde sighed contently, happy to be surrounded by the swimmer's scent, and rested her head on Emily's shoulder.

###

When it was finally time for dinner, Hanna had been the first to sit at their table. Spencer always let Hanna sit where she wanted and it was always the table right in front of Nurse Peggy's desk. The blonde had told her it was because that's where the tray cart was parked, but it was because she had become comfortable around food again in that spot. Spencer never pushed for more, but had figured as much and decided to let it be.

Alison dug into her food and didn't realize how little of her lunch she had eaten until she tasted marinara sauce on her tongue. She hadn't been hungry because of the Concerta which was now wearing off as the last bit of the pill's contents was released in her system.

Emily ate at a steadier pace, having hyperfocused on eating earlier.

"Let go of me!" a little boy shouted, thrashing in a nurse's arms, jolting the girls' attention away from their dinner.

"Guys, that's Gavin," Emily said, worriedly.

"He can't be more than 12. What's he doing in the adolescent unit?" Alison asked.

"He turned 12 right before he was admitted," Spencer answered. "Someone was stupid and made 11 the cut-off age for the child unit."

"That's it, you're going to C-PEP!" a male nurse, unfortunately not Eddie, yelled.

"No…" Emily, Spencer and Hanna gasped and whimpered for the young boy.

"What's C-PEP?" Alison had a feeling she didn't want to know.

Spencer and Emily turned back to Alison, unable to watch Gavin get hauled away.

"It stands for Comprehensive Psychiatric Emergency Program," Spencer expertly recited, still hurting for the boy. "It's where they process you before locking you up in Sanitarium."

Alison nodded as she and Hanna continued to watch Gavin get taken away.

"Sanitarium is supposed to be used for truly psychopathic patients or people who are a danger to themselves or others. 21 East and 21 West like to use it as punishment when they don't think that Kennel is horrible enough," Emily spat, the revulsion for the hospital rapidly flowing through her veins.

"Em," Alison said, trying to get Emily to snap out of her thoughts. She knew the brunette was like her, which meant she was quick to anger and impulsive decisions in the heat of the moment. She looked at Nurse Peggy whose eyes were fixed on Gavin and deemed the coast momentarily clear. She put her hand over the brunette's and intertwined their fingers, soothing the livid brunette.

Emily tightly clutched the blonde's hand, desperately trying to calm down. "They don't know how to fucking help patients so they just lock them up and they come back even worse than they were before!"

The psych ward door slammed which caused Emily to cringe and Hanna to finally look away.

"I know," Alison said softly, stroking the back of the brunette's hand with her thumb.

Emily gazed back, thankful to finally have someone who could calm her down. She brought their clasped hands up to her lips and placed a soft kiss to Alison's knuckles. When she looked up, the blonde's eyes had shifted and her face was crestfallen, but her eyes were filled with animosity and rage.

"Mom," Alison let out in a low snarl.

Emily's eyes widened and she turned around to find one Jessica DiLaurentis faltering under Alison's scrutinizing, piercing blue eyes.

"Alison," Jessica replied carefully.

Emily turned back to Alison. "Umm…I'm kind of tired. I'll be in our room. Are you going to be okay?"

Alison nodded and gave the brunette a small smile before turning her glare back to her mother.

She squeezed Alison's hand one last time before getting up and signaling for the others to leave them alone.

Spencer and Hanna followed suit and headed back to their room.

Jessica slowly sat down in Emily's seat. "Alison, I—"

"You knew," Alison angrily spat, her jaw tightened.

"You were diagnosed the same time you were diagnosed with clinical depression," her mother said, trying to keep the blonde calm.

"You've known since I was 7 years old and you never said _anything,_ " Alison said through clenched teeth.

"Alison, child psychiatry was still new at the time. That first psychiatrist put you on Prozac for your depression and I didn't want to put more chemicals into your body."

"Your fear of chemicals doesn't make up for the fact that you kept my ADHD from me for a god damn decade!"

"DiLaurentis, keep it down!" Nurse Peggy yelled.

Alison rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.

"ADHD is over diagnosed all the time. I didn't think he was right."

"And what about all the psychiatrists after that who confirmed it? I hated myself because of how I acted. Dad left because he thought I was a lazy waste of space who was too stupid for school," Alison shook her head, "And I agreed with him," she choked out. "You've never watched me try to study, you've never watched me try to read and until today you have _never_ broken my trust."

Jessica flinched at the last word. She had broken Alison's trust. The blonde only trusted a select few: Jason, Aria and now Emily. As Alison's glare bore through her, she started to process not being on that list for a while. "I'm sorry I kept it from you. I saw how much you were hurting, but I thought you were just depressed. When the other psychiatrists diagnosed you too, 5 years had past and I didn't know how to tell you. I'm sorry I didn't see how much you were struggling with yourself."

"Why did you keep putting me in therapy? For years? You knew it wasn't helping. Having some paid drone tell me to change my thoughts to be happy and try harder wasn't going to change my brain chemistry."

"Therapy works for some people and I thought you just needed to find a therapist who you clicked with. You were just missing out on so much. I started hearing that Dalton wanted to call child services because I wasn't making you go to school. I tried to keep you out of places like this for as long as I could."

Alison could understand her mother not wanting to put more chemicals into her body and knew that her mother loved her and Jason above all. What was happening to Alison was none of Dalton's business, or Child Services' for that matter. Especially if her mother had been nothing, but a loving parent. "I know the problem now, Mom. I finally have a chance to solve it," the blonde swallowed thickly, "and I don't think you should be here for it."

"What?" Jessica sounded hurt.

"I don't want to see you until I'm discharged to Day Treatment," Alison clarified, her tone leaving no room for debate.

Jessica nodded in sorrow, "I understand," she was in no position to argue. Staying away from her daughter would be difficult, but she knew that Alison needed time to forgive her. Jessica stood up, "I love you, sweetheart. You know that, right?"

The blonde silently nodded and watched her mother leave.

###

Alison slowly meandered back to her and Emily's room, unsuccessfully trying to clear her head. _A decade. She kept it from me for a decade. No, I can't let this ruin my day. She said I missed out on so much. I did. She didn't know what else to do so she put me in here. She is not going to decide what's best for me anymore._ Alison stopped short just outside the room where she found the brunette anxiously waiting for her in the doorway.

"How did it go?" Emily asked gingerly.

Alison shrugged, shutting the door as much as they were allowed to, "I told her I didn't want to see her until I was discharged."

Emily didn't push for more. Now was not the time to press.

Alison walked over to her bag that Eddie left on the desk and started changing into shorts, deciding to sleep in Emily's swim shirt. She let Emily's borrowed sweats fall to the ground and then realized she had half stripped in front of her. Alison avoided changing in front of people to hide the many scars from cutting on her upper left thigh and the stab wound she tried to forget on her right inner thigh. However, she didn't feel the least bit uncomfortable with her body when she felt Emily's eyes on her scars.

Emily watched the blonde step out of the sweatpants and into shorts, "Keep 'em," she said referring to her old swim clothes. She had a feeling Alison knew she was watching and hoped that the blonde knew she'd never judge her for her wounds. Emily had never cut, but didn't see the blonde as damaged. She liked to think that Alison's scars just told the story of her past.

Alison folded the sweatpants and placed them next to her bag, not wanting to mix up the clean clothes with the dirty. _If she hadn't put me in here, I wouldn't have met Emily. Sweet Emily. Sweet, beautiful Emily._ The brunette had changed into sleep shorts that showed off her long, toned legs and a tank top with a neckline low enough to get an eye full of cleavage. Alison bit her lip and before her brain could catch up to her lust, she lunged at Emily and started to plant bruising kisses to the brunette's lips.

Emily let out a grunt at the impact, stunned, but quickly deepened the kiss and allowed the blonde to back her towards her bed. The back of her legs hit the edge of the bed and their momentum forced Emily to sit.

Alison took the opportunity to straddle the brunette and moved her lips down to Emily's neck, sucking on her pulse point. When she was sure she had left an adequate mark, she moved a little higher and eagerly lavished the mermaid tattoo on her neck, swirling her tongue over the smooth inked skin. She heard a breathy moan and captured Emily's soft lips again to muffle any more noise the brunette might make. "Move up, Em," Alison whispered between kisses.

The brunette moved further up on the bed and kept her eyes locked with the blonde's.

Alison moved to straddle Emily again and cupped her cheeks, bringing her in for a deep kiss. She slipped her tongue past the brunette's lips and felt the swimmer's strong hands on her hips, pulling her closer. Alison let out a low moan and lowered her head back down to Emily's neck, proceeding to nip and sip at the soft, olive skin.

Emily gripped Alison's hips tighter and relished in the blonde lapping and soothing the marks she had left. She moved her hands under the swim shirt and her fingertips ghosted over soft creamy skin. When she felt Alison reach for the waistband of her sleep shorts, her eyes shot open and she grabbed the blonde's wrists. They couldn't do this. Not here anyway. It felt like they had known each other for so long, but it was still too soon and Emily was not about to let such a memorable moment occur in a psych ward. She looked into the blonde's eyes and wasn't surprised when she found that tears had already started falling. "Ali…" Emily sighed.

Alison looked into Emily's sympathetic orbs and let the brunette pull her into a hug. "I'm sorry, Em," she hiccuped into Emily's neck.

"It's okay, Ali," she whispered back, gently cupping the blonde's neck. "Lie down."

Alison nodded and slowly moved off of Emily's lap. She lay on her side, yielding to the fatigue that had snuck up on her.

Emily debated going back over to her side of the room, but didn't want to leave Alison in this state so she reached down to the foot of the bed and pulled the thin hospital blanket over herself and Alison. Emily shifted closer behind the shaking body and spooned the blonde. "Are you angry with your mom?" she asked quietly.

"I'm not angry anymore, Em," Alison murmured. "I'm just sad," she admitted, her voice cracking. "I'm sad and I can't stop it," sounding hoarse and raspy from crying. Alison blinked away the remaining tears and felt consoling lips pressing a soft kiss to the back of her neck. "It feels like my body is betraying me."

"I know it does, Ali," the brunette murmured. "Don't think right now. Just rest," she said softly, placing another kiss behind the blonde's ear and draping an arm around her waist.

Alison thought back to all that had happened on her first full day in a psych ward. _How was that just the first day? How long until discharge?_ She let the exhaustion from the days events consume her and let herself fall asleep wrapped up in Emily's protective arms and guardianship.

When Eddie came by for the first bed check, he smiled at seeing the two so lovingly entwined and enveloped in each other. He knew he should separate them because patients weren't allowed to touch, but if physical contact helped them get through this, then he was okay with doing the wrong thing for the right reason.


	5. Chapter 5

Alison awoke the next morning feeling well rested and at peace, something that had become foreign to the blonde. There was still that ever-present twinge of anguish that resided in the back of her mind, but being cradled securely in Emily's arms let her push it away for the time being. She slowly opened her eyes, adjusting to the still rising Rosewood sun. The rays that shined through the trees outside beamed in and danced across the couple's skin. They had shifted throughout the night and ended up with Alison half on top of Emily with their legs entangled. It seemed that what ever position they switched to, Emily's arms ended up around Alison. A lazy smile took over when she propped her chin up on the brunette's chest and found beautiful brown eyes watching her.

"Good morning," Emily whispered, a sleepy grin plastered on her face.

 _God, she's adorable_. "Morning," Alison whispered back. She glanced down to Emily's lips and all the memories of throwing herself at the brunette came surging back. "I'm sorry about last night," her raspy morning voice guilt-ridden.

Emily slowly shook her head to reassure the blonde and leaned in for a sweet kiss. "It's okay," she breathed against Alison's lips. "What did your mom say?" she pressed gently, keeping her arms wrapped around the blonde so she couldn't retreat into herself.

Alison sighed and set the side of her head to the brunette's chest again, listening to the steady reminder of life.

Emily waited until Alison had re-settled on her chest and began to lightly scratch the back of her neck.

"She said she was afraid to put more chemicals in my body when I was 7. The first psychiatrist had already put me on Prozac."

"You were on Prozac?"

"Mhmm," Alison hummed. "I didn't react to it like you though. It gave me stomach aches so I stopped taking it after a couple years and then I started taking Lexapro when I was 12. I don't think that worked either since I still ended up here so I don't know why they put me back on it."

"Why did you tell her you didn't want to see her until discharge?" Emily asked.

"I don't trust her right now. I can't. I need time to forgive her. I know that she loves me and Jason, but I can't think about her without thinking about what she did. I missed so much, Em."

"You were shunned by parents weren't you?" Emily asked, but it sounded more like she was recounting something. When kids with mental illnesses talked about missing out on things, they were never just talking about school.

"You too?" she squeezed the brunette's side.

"Oh yeah," Emily responded with a sad smirk. "You tell yourself not to act out, some kid says or does something to you and you've already acted and done something stupid before you've had a chance to think. Next thing you know other kids' parents have labeled you as 'The Bad Kid.'"

Alison let out a grim chuckle, "Yep, that's us."

As they lay together, Emily realized how well she had slept. She didn't wake up in a cold sweat to a panic attack and the images of that night that would normally eat away at her while she was trying to sleep hadn't crept into her mind once. It was like Alison kept the crippling guilt at bay. Emily was the one who had held the blonde for most of the night, but it felt as if Alison's presence was protecting her from what she thought had stripped her of innocence. "You know we won't be able to sleep like this every night. Just when Eddie works the night shifts."

"What's the deal with Eddie?" Alison wondered why such a kind person would work in a place like this.

"He needed a job when he got out of the Navy. I'm not exactly sure why he stayed."

"I guess every workplace needs a nice guy," the blonde suggested. "Is he the only one?"

"Only what?"

"Nice one working here," Alison clarified.

"No, some of the people who run the groups are nice, but that's because they're clueless and don't know what they're doing," Emily scoffed. "How they're PhD candidates, I'll never know."

Alison giggled. "Have you ever gotten into a fight with the staff here?"

"I did when I threw the empanadas during cooking group," Emily said, rolling her eyes. "The med student running it didn't know how to calm me down so she just threatened to have my discharge date pushed back, which didn't help at all 'cause I flipped and they put me in Kennel for the rest of the day." Emily paused, "I'd do the same thing if they ever tried to put you in there."

The thought of Emily being locked in a solitary unit was not funny, but the thought of her getting flustered by empanadas brought a smile to the blonde's face. "I guess I should call you my Killer then, huh?" Alison joked.

Emily chuckled, but her previous words held nothing but the truth. She would land herself in Kennel a million times over if it kept Alison from experiencing the cold isolation and despair that came with being locked in one of those solitary units. _Wait, 'Killer?'_ Coming from Alison's mouth, it sounded endearing and made her feel loved. _If she found out, she wouldn't call me that anymore. She wouldn't even stay in the same room as me._

Alison felt Emily's grip tighten around her waist. "Em?"

"Hmm?" the brunette hummed. _Damn it, I've been silent too long._

"What are you thinking about?"

Emily held her breath, unsure if she was really going to tell the blonde about this. "I…" _What do I say?_

Alison felt Emily's heart begin to pound against her ear. "Em," she repeated to usher the swimmer out of her daze.

"I…killed someone," she let out in a whisper. _Why the fuck did I lead with that?!_ Emily waited for a reaction with her arms tight around the blonde—partly because she was tense, but also because she was afraid Alison would be scared away. _I just got you. Please don't run from me._

There was a moment of silence before Alison finally spoke, "Who was it for?"

 _Who was it for? Well, that's a new one._ "How is that your first question?" Emily choked out. "Why haven't you bolted out of here?"

"Because I don't think you would kill unless you had to—for yourself or for someone you care about," Alison explained, listening to Emily's heart rate slow down slightly. She lifted her head from the brunette's chest and gazed into fearful brown eyes. "You don't need to tell me what happened until you're ready."

"This guy, Nate," Emily swallowed before continuing, "He thought I was leading him on and after a while he started to threaten me. Then he started to threaten my family. That night…I found him in my kitchen…he was going to hurt my mom and I…" she trailed off. "I didn't want to, but he was…he had her and I…I was close to the knife block, so I grabbed what I could and…I stabbed him in the stomach."

Alison stayed silent as she processed Emily's words.

"I killed him," Emily started to see flashes of that night. "I took someone's son away from them."

Alison hated that the brunette had to live through that. She couldn't feel bad about anyone being dead if they had tried to hurt Emily or her family, but she could understand why the brunette still felt guilty. It must be so confusing to almost want to mourn the person you killed for trying to do the same to you. "Is that why they put you in here?"

"No. The ADHD and depression were already bad, but after it happened I started having panic attacks. I just stopped functioning and stopped leaving the house for months so they had to put me in here." Emily searched Alison's eyes for the dismay and horror that she normally found when she told people she had killed, but merely saw a tender affection that could only come from the blonde's cerulean blue.

Alison slipped her hand under the brunette's arm to cup the back of the swimmer's shoulder. "I'm not going to run, Em," she said earnestly. She watched a tear roll down Emily's cheek and pressed her lips to the soft skin to kiss it away. "But I probably shouldn't call you Killer, right?"

"I don't mind if it's you saying it," Emily let out in a watery chuckle.

They silently held each other for a few minutes until Alison remembered that they'd be interrupted for wake-up soon. "We should probably get ready," she said, giving Emily a quick peck and reluctantly pulling herself out of the brunette's warm embrace. "I'm gonna go get someone so we can shower."

###

"You alright, Han?" Spencer asked. The blonde hadn't touched her food yet and there was always a part of Spencer that worried about Hanna relapsing. The two of them and Emily had stabilized significantly on their meds and they were all so close to discharge.

"I'm fine," Hanna said blandly, keeping her eyes on the plate.

Spencer, Emily and Alison all shared a concerned look.

"Is it just one of those days?" Spencer inquired.

"Yeah," the blonde responded. She forced herself to eat, not willing to let herself relapse. "Self-loathing is part of a complete breakfast, right?" she joked.

The other three chuckled and smiled. Hanna always found a way to lighten the mood, even if she was the one having a rough day. She could always bring a smile to their faces, but the other girls were well aware that the ones who made you laugh could be the ones battling the greatest demons.

Hanna continued to eat little bits at a time. Although she had made tremendous progress since her admittance, some days were still harder than others. When she glanced up from her plate, a short brunette, who couldn't have been any taller than Aria, caught her eye. "Who is that?" Hanna asked, motioning towards the girl sitting idle in the rec room.

The other girls turned around.

"I don't know," Spencer pondered. "She must be the new patient Eddie was talking about yesterday. I think she was brought in from Sanitarium."

"She looks so…damaged," Hanna sadly remarked.

"Everyone looks damaged when they come in here," Spencer countered.

"Yeah, but she looks like she clawed her way out of hell," Hanna said, eyeing the girl. "I'm gonna go sit with her," she decided, getting out of her seat.

Spencer quickly grabbed Hanna's arm, "Hanna, wait. We don't know what she's here for, we don't know what she was in _Sanitarium_ for. Anything could set her off. Let the staff deal with it."

"Spence, look at how broken that girl is. What if you had thought 'let the staff deal with it' when you saw _me_ sitting alone that day. What if Em hadn't invited Ali to sit with us?"

Spencer sighed and withdrew her hand. She knew Hanna was right. If she hadn't sat down next to Hanna, and the blonde had gotten worse, she never would have forgiven herself.

"Everyone needs someone to help them out of their dark place, Spence."

The 3 girls watched Hanna carefully approach the small brunette and sit down next to her. The blonde could be kind and gentle when she needed to be, but she would always be their Han Grenade. As the minutes passed, Hanna appeared to become more animated and they caught the brunette smirking a couple times.

Just as breakfast was ending, Hanna made her way back over to the table to clean her tray up. "Nurse Peggy pulled her away for meds, but I got her to come out of her shell a little bit."

Spencer was particularly impressed by the blonde. "We saw her smile a couple times. What did you say to her?"

"Not much," Hanna shrugged. "I told her she could sit with us when she was ready and then I started singing 'Baby Got Back' by Sir Mix-a-Lot."

The other girls snickered. "What made you choose _that_ song?"

"I don't know, it's a fun song," Hanna paused and appeared to be in deep thought. "Also, why would you _ever_ lie about liking big butts?"

###

At 9 am, after everyone had taken their meds, the patients were herded into the small school room. It looked unorganized and extremely cramped with several desks pushed together to make one large table, leaving very little space to walk around the edge of the room. Everyone tried as best they could to push through the pointless worksheets the teacher gave them. It was fairly obvious how flawed the on-site inpatient education system was. The teacher had resorted to giving out worksheets that were supposedly made for each person's grade level, but no teaching could actually be done because of how much the ages of the patients varied.

"God, this makes me feel so stupid!" Alison growled, struggling with what should be easy Trigonometry. It had been 30 minutes and she was still stuck on the second problem. She looked over at a frustrated Emily and noticed that the brunette hadn't made much progress either.

Emily and Alison had missed weeks to months of school at a time starting when they were in kindergarten, but still managed to pass every year. Though both girls were just as smart as everyone else in their grade, missing so much material made catching up nearly impossible and it became detrimental to their self esteem.

"You're not stupid, Ali," Spencer assured. "People who have ADHD aren't any less intelligent than other people their age. You know just as much as your peers do. The ADHD just makes it harder for your brain to _utilize_ what you know."

Alison furrowed her brow, trying to process what Spencer was saying.

Spencer glanced over at Emily's clenched fists. "You too, Em."

Emily let the pencil drop to the table and buried her face in her hands. "Spence, it's not just the ADHD. It's the material. Ali and I have missed so much school," she said, shaking her head in her hands. "I can't do simple mental math and I never memorized all of the multiplication tables. This is supposed to be easy work that won't be sent over to Rosewood High and I _still_ can't do it."

Spencer gave them an understanding smile, "Give the Concerta some time to kick in and give it another shot." She understood how pointless this work felt, considering it wouldn't count towards anything. Their old schools, which they were technically still enrolled in, would never see any of the work they did here. Even when they were eventually discharged to Day Treatment and enrolled in the on-site school, their old schools would only know if they had earned enough BS credit to advance to the next grade. It wasn't fair, but that's how it was and Spencer knew that they all needed to keep their brains working in some capacity.

"Hey Spence, is there another word for synonym?" Hanna asked.

"Aren't you working on math, Han?" Emily questioned.

"Noo," the blonde drew out, "I'm _supposed_ to be working on math."

"Well," Alison started, "I'm gonna work on occupying time 'til I die," she said flatly, slumping into Emily who chuckled and leaned back into her.

###

After the lunch break, the girls filed back into the school room to find the small brunette from before sitting alone, patiently waiting for the teacher to give her something to work on. She didn't look as hollow as she did earlier, but she still looked incredibly fragile. Now they couldn't figure out if they should worry about setting her off or if she was scared of setting everyone else off. Being under intense supervision in Sanitarium had to make you apprehensive and overly self-aware.

Hanna had a feeling no one else would take initiative, so she carefully sat down next to the girl. "Hey, I didn't get your name at breakfast. I'm Hanna."

"Mona," the brunette said, her voice coming out as faintly as her smile.

The girls sat down cautiously around the desk-table-cluster-thing.

"You don't have to do that," Mona said quietly. She glanced around at the other girls who gave her questioning looks. "You don't have to be so careful around me—like I'm gonna break."

Hearing Mona speak in a full sentence for the first time made Hanna feel like she had accomplished something, "Okay."

Spencer beamed with pride at the blonde. _I guess I taught her well._ "We all have triggers. If you think something may trigger you, just tell us," she said in the friendliest tone she could muster. Hanna told Spencer to be extra nice because apparently she came off as unfriendly sometimes.

Mona returned Hanna's smile and turned to Spencer, "Thanks. I'm just scared that if I do any little thing wrong, they'll send me back."

The girls nodded their heads in understanding as the teacher handed Mona a worksheet.

Spencer's eyes widened. "Mona, what year are you in?" she asked, shocked.

"Junior," she said nonchalantly, filling out the name and date on the worksheet.

"And you're in AP Calculus BC?!" the taller brunette asked incredulously.

"I _should_ be in Calculus III, but this is the highest level math that my school offers. Well, old school I guess. I don't think Rosewood Day is going to want 'the mental patient' back."

"Right there with you," Alison uttered. "This town and its surplus of pretentious private schools," she scoffed and rolled her eyes.

"You don't need to be in one if you're that smart anyway," Spencer directed toward the shorter brunette.

"Mona, is there another word for synonym?" Hanna asked.

Alison snorted and buried her face in Emily's shoulder, shaking with laughter. Spencer and Emily shared an amused look.

"What? She's smart and it's been bugging me all morning!"

"Maybe _equivalent_?" Mona suggested.

Hanna smiled and they all got back to the painfully boring worksheets, occasionally stopping to chat or just give their heads a rest. Hanna kept the conversation topics light and Mona started to warm up to the other girls, even taking to helping Alison with her Trig while Spencer helped Emily.

###

Around 2pm, they were finally done with school for the day. The hospital didn't exactly have a set time to end school. They just seemed to let the kids leave the school room when it was clear that the patients couldn't take it anymore.

"Em, do you think the surgery would have worked?" Alison asked curiously. Part of her felt bad for alluding to something she knew the brunette missed, but if Emily was ever able to get it, she wanted to know what her options would be.

"It has a pretty high success rate with intense physical therapy, so probably." She brought Alison into her arms on the loveseat so that the blonde's back was pressed to her front.

"Can you swim at all?" Alison asked softly.

"Yeah, but only if I don't push myself too much."

Alison tilted her head back to kiss the tattoo on Emily's neck. "Then we're going swimming once we get out of this place," she whispered against the marked skin.

Emily's lips curved up into a smile when she felt the touch of those soft lips. She had just accepted that she wouldn't be able to stop herself from displaying her emotions if Alison was the source of them.

"DiLaurentis, visitor!" Nurse Peggy yelled from the front desk.

Emily groaned and held Alison tighter. "No," Emily whined.

Alison giggled and wiggled her way out of Emily's arms and sauntered out of the rec room and over to the front desk. She felt a familiar twinge of sadness in her chest, but tried to push it away. _I have Emily. I have no reason to be depressed._ She was pleased to see her best friend sitting at one of the tables waiting for her. "Hey Ar," the brunette stood up to hug before sitting down again. "Did school get out early?"

"No, my last two periods were study halls."

"Ah." She could never believe how kind Aria was. She got to leave school early on Mondays and she was spending her extra time talking to Alison in a psych ward.

"So how is your little _girlfriend_?"

"She is not my—" Alison stopped herself and realized that she and Emily hadn't defined what their relationship was. "I don't know what we are."

Aria stifled her laughter, "How're you doing?" she asked.

Alison rolled her eyes and sighed heavily, "I'm okay," she replied. "Having Emily helps a lot, but there's still that part of me that can't stop feeling depressed. I don't have a reason to be. Everyone except that nurse has been nothing, but nice to me."

"Depression works against reason, Ali," Aria said easily.

Alison blinked and sat there stunned at Aria's perceptive words. "Where did _that_ come from?"

"Remember when Mike was really depressed last year?" she waited for Alison to nod before continuing. "Well, when he got a little better after the meds, that's how he described it to me. You can count your blessings all you want and think about how lucky you are to have a roof over your head. You can keep telling yourself that you have no reason to be depressed, but the chemical imbalance in your brain, for lack of a better term, doesn't give a shit about reason."

Alison raised her eyebrows at Aria's choice of words.

"There are better terms, I just prefer that one," Aria added with a smile.

Alison chuckled.

"From what I've read, other mental illnesses probably feel the same way," Aria noted. "Like your brain and your body are telling you different things and you can't tell which one is lying to you."

Alison smiled, "You've been reading about mental illness?"

Aria nodded, "I know I'll never be able to _completely_ understand how you feel, but I'd like to try."

Alison's eyes watered at how unbelievably selfless and loving the brunette was. Aria might have just beaten her own kindness record. They continued to talk for a few minutes before she brought Aria back into the rec room to sit with her friends. She took her seat next to Emily and the two settled back into their cuddling.

Aria sat next to Spencer on the other loveseat. She smiled at Hanna who was lounging on the larger sofa and her pupils dilated when her eyes fell to the girl sitting next to her. "Mona?"

Mona made eye contact with Aria and her eyes widened in shock, "Aria?"

Alison glanced back and forth between the two small brunettes, "Okay, what's happening right now?"

"This is Mike's girlfriend…sort of," Aria informed.

"Your brother Mike?" Hanna asked.

"Yep."

"Please don't tell him where I am, Aria," Mona pleaded.

"Mike hasn't been able to get a hold of you for _months,_ " Aria exclaimed.

"I was in Sanitarium. I-I didn't want to see anyone. Please, he can't know where I am. He can't know I relapsed," Mona begged, distinct fear in her eyes.

Aria sighed, "Mona, he's not going to care that you relapsed. He just tends to worry when his girlfriend disappears," she lightly joked.

"He's going to be so mad that I didn't call him," Mona started to nervously wring her hands.

Aria didn't respond and let herself think for a minute. "I don't think he's going to be angry," Aria said, shaking her head, "I think he's going to be hurt that you didn't turn to him for support. Mike is a good guy, Mona. He'll be there for you if you let him."

The conversation eventually drifted to Mean Girls which prompted Mona to admit that she had become a bully when her personality disorder peaked in severity.

"I treated so many people badly when I was depressed," Alison let out suddenly.

Everyone turned toward the blonde.

"I snapped at people I cared about when I didn't mean to and then I got so caught up in hating myself that I never apologized," Alison said sadly, keeping her eyes locked with Aria's.

Aria knew admitting any wrong doing was hard for the blonde and she was proud of her friend.

"I'm sorry, Aria," Alison said softly.

The brunette was stunned. She didn't blame Alison for what she was going through so she never found herself angry with her if she snapped. She wasn't expecting an apology, but she appreciated it.

"And thank you for always being there for me, even though I wasn't always there for you."

"Anytime," Aria insisted and smiled back at Alison.

###

Hanna's rough day hadn't come to a close yet as the other girls watched her struggling to get through her dinner. They knew it was a particularly rough day because it was lasagna night and the blonde was only a third of the way done with the square of cheesy pasta and tomato sauce.

Spencer would be keeping an eye on her for the rest of the night.

Alison and Emily tried to keep their eating at a slow pace even though they were starving, per Spencer's advice. When Alison scanned the unit from her seat, she noticed a guy standing in front of the med counter down the hall, having some kind of cream rubbed into his scalp. He was probably 18 or so, but he came across as much older because of how beat down and tired he looked.

Emily followed Alison's eyes. "That's Peter. I don't know exactly how long he's been here, but I think it's been like 7 months."

Alison whipped her head back in Emily's direction, "I thought this was supposed to be a short-term facility."

"It is," Emily confirmed. "But for whatever reason, he still needs to be here. Whatever he's been taking is causing him to lose a lot of his hair."

Alison turned back and watched the boy with sad eyes. She was thankful that none of the meds she took had ever done anything like that to her body, but she hated that anyone had to stay that long in this place.

"Hey," a familiar voice rang out.

Alison recognized that voice immediately and turned toward the source. She shot up out of her seat and ran into his arms, "Jason!" Her brother was dressed in a full, black pin-striped suit with a deep blue dress shirt. _Well he certainly_ looks _like a lawyer._ His jacket was unbuttoned and his shirt was slightly ruffled. She guessed they made him remove his tie before they let him into the unit.

Jason embraced Alison in a big hug, lifting her slightly off the ground. "I missed you too," he chuckled and set her down.

Alison pulled a chair over from another table for Jason and tapped the back rest, signaling for him to sit. "Did Mom tell you I was here?"

Jason just nodded in response. He wanted to ask when Alison would forgive their mother, but knew her different tones well enough to know that it would set her off on a rant. "How are you holding up in here?"

"I'm doing okay," she shrugged.

He glanced down and smirked when he caught sight of Alison and Emily's clasped hands resting on her thigh under the table.

Alison recognized the brotherly provocation that gleamed in Jason's eyes and narrowed her own, willing him not to comment.

Jason laughed, waving his white flag.

"Emily, this is my brother Jason. Jason, Emily."

Emily politely smiled at Jason and the rest of the table went around and introduced themselves.

"Have you heard from Kenneth?" Alison was not going to call him _Dad._ Just spitting out his name felt gross.

"No. I just know that he's still paying my tuition. That's all he's good for anyway."

"Why can't lawyers be cheaper?" Alison mused.

"I thought Mom didn't want to sue."

"She doesn't, but I'm almost 18 and I do."

"If I was already licensed, I'd do it pro bono," Jason said, nudging her shoulder.

Alison smiled at her brothers loyalty, "I know you would." Her brother had always looked out for her, especially against Kenneth.

Jason and Alison may have been Kenneth's biologically, but he was never their father. As far as they were concerned, they didn't have one. When Kenneth hit Alison for the first time, it was a huge mind-fuck at best. Jessica had taught her that parents were the people you turned to for love and support. When Jason found out, he made sure Alison always had some place to go after school if Kenneth was going to be alone with her. If she couldn't go to Aria's house, he'd take her to his basketball scrimmages. Alison was only 6 when she started going in and out of episodes of depression and he felt horrible because nothing he did could fix that problem. He could do what he could to keep her safe from Kenneth, but depression was something he couldn't protect her from.

"I'm sorry that you aren't going to graduate on time because of me."

Jason shook his head, "Ali, this is not your fault. It's Kenneth's. He's the one who walked out. He's the one who chose to miss out on you."

Emily smiled at how much Jason cared about Alison.

"Ali," Jason took a moment to consider what he was about to say, "If you're really serious about a lawsuit, I have a few connections from a firm up in Syracuse. Making a case for financial obligation will be hard because you're almost of legal majority age."

Alison looked disappointed.

" _But_ , ADHD counts as a learning disability and parental obligations can be stretched past majority age when a child has a disability."

The blonde squeezed Emily's hand in excitement.

"I don't want you to decide anything until you're discharged. Think it through carefully before you decide, okay?" Jason finished.

"Okay," Alison agreed.

###

"Em, wake up," Alison whisper-yelled. "Please, wake up!"

Alison shook Emily, trying to pull the trembling brunette out of her nightmare. Emily had turned in early and Alison had gone to sleep in her own bed. When she had walked in, she thought about climbing into bed with the brunette, but didn't want to wake her and decided against it. When she was woken up by the ruffling noise of sheets and Emily's whimpering, she realized her mistake. She shook Emily once more, to no avail, and cupped the brunette's cheek. "Em."

Emily's body violently jolted out of her nightmare and her eyes flew open. "Ali…I…he was going to hurt us…" she choked out between her desperate gasps for air.

Alison stroked Emily's cheek with her thumb, "You're safe. I'm here," she whispered fervently.

Emily scooted over to make room for the blonde as she continued to take labored breaths. Alison lay down in Emily's bed, glad that Eddie was working the night shift again, and allowed the brunette to sprawl herself over her chest. Emily clutched at Alison's sides like her life depended on it. Alison held Emily's head to her heart with one hand and used the other to feel around for the blanket that had been balled up from the brunette's thrashing. After a bit of wrestling with it, she eventually draped the blanket over the both of them with one hand.

"Wait, did you say 'hurt _us_?'"

Emily nodded and held the hand that wasn't resting on the small of her back.

Alison smiled to herself. Even in Emily's dreams, or nightmares rather, she was still protective. "He can't hurt _us_ anymore," she soothed.

Emily was silent for a while, but her conscious uneven breaths told Alison that she was still awake. "Are you going to sue your da- Kenneth?" she asked, looking up at the blonde.

Alison ran her fingers through Emily's silky hair, "I don't know. I want him to have to pay, but I also don't want to put my mom through a lawsuit."

"He owes you—you _and_ your mom."

"He does," she agreed. "We'll figure something out," she said quietly. She leaned down slightly and met Emily's lips for a tender kiss. "Goodnight, Em."

The brunette let this kiss last, savoring the feeling of the blonde's lips on her own. She nuzzled her head into Alison's chest again and held her close, "Goodnight, Ali," she murmured back.

* * *

AN: Feedback is always welcome!


	6. Chapter 6

"Hanna, stop it!" Emily squealed at the blonde who was flicking flour at her.

The group stood around a large kitchen island for cooking group in a room between 21 West and 21 East. Time in the school room was cut down on group days which, depending on which group was being held that day, the girls were thankful for.

The med student who led the cooking group had left the room to find more measuring cups and all hell broke loose. There was sugar all over the floor, all of the chocolate chips were in Hanna's stomach and the entire room was coated in flour. Mona had warmed up significantly to the girls and was now happily engaging in Hanna's flour fight while Spencer diligently cracked eggs and focused on perfect measurements.

Emily was about to throw sugar at Hanna and Mona, but ceased fire when she noticed an expressionless Alison absentmindedly drawing patterns into the thin layer of flour on the other side of the island. She walked around the counter, brushed the perfect blonde curls to the side and snaked her arms around the blonde's waist from behind, resting her head on Alison's shoulder. "You okay?" she asked softly.

"Yeah," Alison said. "I'm fine…" she trailed off, her mind still astray. _At least I think I am._ As the day went by, Alison began to feel more and more uneasy with the nagging depression and dejection that lurked behind the smile she wore when she woke up with Emily in her arms that morning. _Why did they put me on Lexapro again?_ Lexapro was one of the medications that you had to wait a couple weeks to feel the effects of, but she had already taken it before and it hadn't helped her. _Why should I take something for two weeks to wait for effects that I know won't come?_

"Is it the meds?"

 _There she goes reading me again._ Alison nodded and let her body relax into Emily, "I don't want to be taking something I already know doesn't work for me."

"They'll put you on something else once you get to Day Treatment. I've heard their psychiatrist is much better than the one in here."

"I hate this. I hate feeling like this," Alison croaked, the misery utterly evident in her voice.

"I know," Emily whispered into the blonde's ear, "You're functioning well enough for them to discharge you soon. Just hang in there." She wanted to ask Alison to hang on for _her_ , but she'd learned that you had to want to do it for yourself before anyone else.

Alison turned her head, brought her hand back to Emily's cheek and pulled the brunette's lips to her own in a long, sweet kiss.

As she indulged herself in Emily's amorous lips, she realized she had never been held and cared for like this. She had been in a few relationships during the larger gaps between her episodes of depression, but she had never let herself get attached. Alison liked to feel like a powerful, independent woman and letting someone else hold her made her feel like she needed saving. However, the arms that currently encompassed her waist were there out of love and support. Emily and Alison both understood that each person's war was that of their own, but they also weren't going to let the other person fight alone. If they needed each other, they would be there. Emily was her support system, not her savior.

Emily broke the kiss only to press gentle kisses to the blonde's jaw, down to the nape of her neck. Alison shuttered at the soft lips peppering her neck and Emily tightened her loving embrace.

The two were so caught up in each other that they didn't notice the others taking in the sweet moment.

"Your neck is sensitive…" Emily breathed against the blonde's creamy skin.

"Mhmm," Alison hummed, "My mom and Jason always had to keep a hand on my neck for naps or I wouldn't fall asleep."

Emily placed another soft kiss to the nape of Alison's neck, "Just a few more days." _I hate seeing you suffer._ She just wanted to be stable, discharged and swimming with the girl who fit in her arms so perfectly. She moved to kiss Alison's cheek once more and brought her head down to rest on the blonde's shoulder again.

Alison closed her eyes and leaned back further into Emily, caressing the jaw of the strong tanned brunette that stood behind her. Emily's eyes fluttered closed at Alison's touch and she buried her face in the blonde's neck.

The clueless cooking group leader came back and pure horror promptly manifested, "What…happened…in here?" she cried in a whisper to herself. The girls didn't bother breaking apart, knowing that the med student was too overwhelmed to think about rules she hadn't even completely memorized.

"How fast do you think she's gonna get that PhD now?" Emily murmured against Alison's neck.

The blonde's lips curved up into an amused smirk, "I think she just realized that she should've gone into blood transfusion."

###

"I don't think there's going to be another cooking group anytime soon," Emily said, sitting on the desk by their window, towel drying her hair.

To say Nurse Peggy was displeased to find flour coated patients would be an understatement. They were all forced to take showers and Emily insisted that Alison go first because it was her fault that the blonde's hair had gotten powdered at all. Alison would have been annoyed because she hated the monitored showers, but the comfort and warmth she felt from Emily's body pressed against hers in group was more than worth it.

Emily smiled to herself as she thought of how scared shitless the med student must have been when Nurse Peggy ripped into her.

Alison sat on the edge of Emily's bed as she quietly watched the brunette and admired the glow emanating from the swimmer's toned body under the warm sunlight. The brunette clearly had plenty of muscle to spare if this is what she looked like after not swimming or training for several months.

Emily felt the appreciative gaze roaming over her body and slid herself off the desk. As she padded over to Alison, she watched the all too short-lived gleam leave the blonde's eyes. She stepped between Alison's legs and draped her arms around her. She knew how it felt to find a brief moment of happiness only to have it taken away by your own body. To find yourself laughing at a joke, only to have the worst thoughts slam right back into you like a ton of bricks. It was painful, it was frustrating and she wished she could make it all go away for the blonde.

Alison pressed her ear to Emily's abdomen, "Today is shitty," she sighed.

"It'll pass," Emily soothed. This was more of a promise than anything. Depression always came in waves. Granted, sometimes they were huge waves that lasted for months, but they all passed eventually. "Come on," Emily said softly as she stepped away and extended a hand.

Alison gave her a confused look.

Emily took Alison's hand. "I'm not letting you isolate yourself when you're feeling like this. At least if we're in the rec room, you'll be around people."

Alison sighed again as Emily led her into the rec room. She never let anyone tell her what to do, but if she was going to start listening to anyone, it was going to be Emily. Alison leaned into Emily on the loveseats as she watched the other patients playing Guitar Hero.

"Peter, you want to play?" one of the patients asked.

The patient Alison had seen standing at the med counter yesterday silently nodded and took the Guitar controller.

Alison felt bad for Peter. On the outside, he looked so done with life that she didn't want to think about what went through his head. When Peter took the guitar controller and started to play, Alison was shocked. He was playing the hardest song on the Expert level and he wasn't missing a single note. _Okay, now I want to know what's going on in his head._

"Spence, have you heard anything about Gavin?" Hanna asked.

Spencer shook her head sadly, "He doesn't deserve to be in Sanitarium."

"No one deserves to be in there," Mona growled, "except for the doctors who run it."

"Mona," Spencer started hesitantly, unsure if she actually wanted an answer, "What is it really like in Sanitarium?"

The girls fell silent, stunned that Spencer actually asked the question.

"Well, it wasn't fun," Mona said sarcastically. "It was dark, run down, and I barely slept, but it was no more corrupt than this place or 21 East."

Alison tensed at hearing that 21 East was just as corrupt as 21 West and Sanitarium. Now she wasn't too sure about making it 7 months in Day Treatment.

"Han, what are you doing?" Spencer amusedly addressed the blonde who was jerking her head to one side.

"I think I still have flour in my ear," Hanna grumbled.

"And whose fault is that?" Spencer quipped.

Hanna rolled her eyes, "I need to take another shower," she said, getting up to look for a nurse to monitor.

By the time Hanna finished showering, it was time for lunch and Alison was pleasantly surprised to find that Aria had left school and driven to the hospital to spend lunch break with her. She got up from the table to hug the small brunette and motioned for Aria to sit.

"Actually," Aria interjected, "I brought someone else with me."

Mona's eyes landed on the person walking up behind Aria and what ever she had been talking to Hanna about came to an abrupt halt. "Mike."

"Hi Mona," Mike greeted gently with a light smile.

Everyone stood there awkwardly not knowing what to say.

"Why don't you two go talk at that table over there?" Aria suggested, breaking the deafening silence.

Mona nodded and followed Mike to a small table.

Aria watched them for a moment and wondered if the couple would be able to rebuild what they had—if Mona would let them rebuild what they had. Mike was definitely going to have a few trust issues to work through after having his girlfriend disappear on him. Mike caught Aria's watchful eye as he sat down at a small table across from Mona and mouthed "thank you" to which she responded with a smile and a nod.

"You think they're gonna work it out?" Alison asked.

Aria turned back to Alison and sat down, "I hope so. They always seemed so happy with each other." She looked back and forth between Emily and Alison, "So how's this little thing going?" she motioned to their clasped hands under the table and waited for Alison to blush.

Alison caught Aria's smirk and cleared her throat as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat. _If Aria starts teasing, it might be worse than Peggy yelling._ She didn't shy away from contact with Emily in front of the other girls, but Aria knew her better than anyone. The other girls didn't know about Alison's habit of not letting anyone get close to her or how she had never been so taken with anyone before. Alison was not celibate by any means. She was completely comfortable with her sexuality, but none of her sexual encounters had been intimate. It was always a quick fuck and then she was done. The lights were always off so they couldn't see her scars and there was _never_ a call after. But when the time came, she would let Emily see all of her. Emily had already read into depths of Alison's soul that no other person was even aware of.

Emily squeezed Alison's hand and brushed her thumb over the soft skin to soothe the blonde. She realized Alison hadn't said anything back to Aria so she answered for her, "We're fine. " She looked at Alison who was still lost in her thoughts, "Ali's having a bit of a rough day, but she's hangin' in there."

Aria smiled at Emily, happy that her friend had found another person she could trust. After what her mother did, Alison needed someone to confide in, who she could confidently say wouldn't leave her side.

Emily sensed that she needed to let Alison stew in her thoughts for a while, so she and the girls talked amongst each other and joked about that morning's cooking fiasco.

Alison snapped out of her thoughts after a few minutes and glanced over to another table and saw Peter playing Texas Hold 'Em with people who were probably his parents. Alison carefully watched him and it was apparent that he knew what he was doing. _Is he a genius?_ He seemed to have trouble expressing emotion and verbally communicating, but there was an extraordinary mind in there. _Why did I think that saying I wasn't crazy was going to keep me out of here? These people aren't crazy. No one here is._ She turned her attention back to her table and remembered that Aria had driven here to spend lunch with her. She was happy to see Aria getting along so well with the friends she had made in here.

###

"No, of course I think it's _great_ here," Spencer drew out. Although the purpose of yoga group was to relax patients, it did the exact opposite. The instructor's ignorance to what the patients were going through and the long-winded poses that bored them to death made everyone extremely irritable afterwards. Especially Spencer. And it didn't help that the group was right before dinner, when everyone was starving. A hungry Hastings made for the dangerous combination of intelligent and cranky.

"Spence, I'm like 95% sure that your death is going to involve sarcasm," Hanna poked. The blonde made it her responsibility to make Spencer laugh after the yoga instructor had gotten her so wound up.

"Look at that, Han, you finally got to your math," Mona teased.

Spencer chuckled and continued to eat her dinner.

"Hi girls," an older tan woman approached their table.

"Mom!" Emily smiled and jumped out of her seat to hug her mother. "I missed you."

"I missed you too, honey," the shorter woman held her much taller daughter. Sometimes she missed the days when Emily was smaller. The growth spurt from 3 years ago was great for swimming, but it left Emily towering over her.

"Mom, this is Alison, my new roommate," Emily beamed and motioned for Alison to come over.

Alison got up from her seat and walked over to them, "Nice to meet you Mrs. Fields," she greeted politely, pronouncing her left dimple. She had to make a good impression. This small woman had a gentleness to her, but she had a pretty commanding presence.

"Please call me Pam. _Mrs. Fields_ makes me feel like an old hag," she joked and noticed Emily quirking an eyebrow. "Oh hush," she playfully nudged her daughter. They all sat down and she studied Emily further. She was surprised to see how happy she was. She looked back to Alison's dimples and back at the grin on Emily's face. She had already figured them out. This was going to be fun. "I can see why Emily likes you. She has a thing for dimples, you know," she said.

Emily groaned, "Oh my God, Mom!"

Alison couldn't suppress her widening grin when she realized what Pam was doing.

"What? It's true," Pam said nonchalantly. "It's your Kryptonite…or whatever that idiot in tights is afraid of. And look at her, I mean if she's your roommate, no wonder you look like you're sleeping better."

"Mom!" Emily whined. She was so relieved when her mother accepted her sexuality, but now she was starting to ask herself if it was worth the teasing.

Emily took a sip of water, hoping the cup would hide her face from the snickering table.

"Alright, fine, fine," Pam half ceded. "So I should have my engagement ring cleaned before I give it to you right?"

Emily choked at the mention of marriage and spluttered into her water. _She had to get in one more._

Alison giggled for what seemed like the first time today. She rubbed circles into Emily's back and wiped the water off her face with a napkin.

Pam smiled at the girl tenderly caring for her daughter. She really did look like she was sleeping better with Alison there. Emily had always been a night owl, but after what happened with Nate, she started having nightmares every time she slept. Even if it was just for a nap. She stopped going to sleep at night and she forced herself to stay awake for as long as she could until her body couldn't take it anymore and she just passed out. It had her worried sick when Emily would sleep through the day and sit in her room with all the lights on through the nights she had come to fear.

"Emily, your father called."

The brunette's eyes shot up, "Is he okay? Did something happen?" She never stopped worrying about him. Her heart beat out of her chest every time the house phone rang.

"Honey, he's fine. He's coming home and I think he'll be staying for a while. He should be back a little after you're discharged," Pam said, happy to deliver news that would make Emily's last few days in here more bearable.

Pam introduced herself to Mona and caught up with the other girls while Emily told Alison about her father and how he was an intimidating man, but a real softy when it came to the people he loved.

###

Emily and Alison went back to their room to wind down for bed after getting the blonde's Lexapro at the med counter. Hanna and Mona stayed up to play foosball while Spencer assumed the role of World's Most Unnecessary and Meticulous Foosball Referee. The five of them had opted out of watching tonight's movie. They had been through enough, they didn't need to watch horror.

"What kind of psychiatric facility lets its emotionally disturbed patients watch _The Exorcist_?" Alison asked as she climbed into bed with Emily. The two sat with their backs against the headboard with Alison leaning against Emily's shoulder.

Emily tilted her head to the side to rest on Alison's, "The one we're so _blessed_ to be in."

Alison laughed and played with Emily's fingers in her lap.

"I can't watch horror movies anymore," Emily admitted. "They never scare me, but…"

"They remind you of that night?" Alison offered. She had a hunch that evil characters wielding weapons in the dark didn't bring back the best memories.

Emily nodded, "Sleeping is harder. Just _falling_ asleep. Then the nightmares are worse." _They never leave. Not unless you're here._

"The images keep running through your head so you can't sleep," Alison concluded, "You won't let yourself sleep."

The brunette picked up on the change in the blonde's tone and knew that Alison was recalling a painful memory. This was something that Alison needed to let out so she kept quiet and let the blonde continue.

"You're exhausted and you want to sleep so badly, but if the lights are on and your eyes are open, maybe you're still safe. If you close your eyes, you might sleep, but then you see things that you don't want to see and you're left vulnerable."

"Who are you afraid of?" Emily pressed gently.

"Kenneth. My…Kenneth," Alison whispered. A strong arm wrapped around her and a soft hand brushed away the few tears she hadn't realized had fallen.

Emily wanted to strangle Kenneth. It didn't take much to guess that he had lay hands on Alison. _If only murder was legal._ She could never even joke out loud about things like that. She could say something like "I'd rather die than watch Bill Maher," and they'd take her seriously. If there was one thing Emily hated about institutions, it was that nobody seemed to have a sense of humor. Did these people really expect patients to get through everything without laughing once in a while? _I know I have ADHD when my thoughts go from child abuse to obnoxious comedians. Jesus, my mind is fucked up._

45 minutes had past and Alison was starting to get dizzy from the Lexapro. She prompted Emily to lie down with her and the brunette easily complied.

Emily kissed Alison's forehead and brought the thin hospital blanket over them. The two closed their eyes with their hands clasped tightly, trying to only let themselves visualized the other. They could only hope that each night spent together would gradually make the darkness feel like a place of peaceful rest again.


	7. Discharged: End of the Beginning

AN: Thank you to everyone who's been reading this story! Hopefully you read the title carefully. This is not THE end. Things might get a little dicey after this chapter.

Feel free to leave me a review. I love getting your feedback!

* * *

The next few days went by slower than Alison would have liked. According to Hanna, you had to multiply the amount of time you were in a psych ward by 6 to calculate how long it would feel. She assumed Hanna made up those numbers, but she probably wasn't too far off. While she was dying for time to go faster so she could be discharged, she also wanted time to go slower because the inpatient unit was a place where it felt like nothing mattered and, in a way, it was a luxury. Alison didn't have to think about anything serious while she was in here. She didn't have to think about school or anything in the real world and she didn't have to worry about defining what her and Emily were. Though Alison was scared of how serious this relationship was getting, she wouldn't dare to stop it. She was excited to get out of here and see where this relationship could really go, but the implications that came with something that wasn't just a one-off scared her to death.

Explaining to Jessica what she had with Emily might be a little strange because she had never expressed interest in girls and she had a rule of never letting her mother meet any of the guys she had flings with. Jessica's acceptance wasn't a concern, it was just the awkward conversation she wanted to avoid. Her mom had a similar personality to Emily's mother and if she went the Pam route, her teasing was going to slam into Alison ten fold. Alison had not forgotten what her mother did, but she was just about ready to forgive her. Blaming her mother for what she was going through was illogical and unfair, and if she was being honest with herself, she really missed her. If she was going to irrationally blame it on anyone, she was going to blame it on Kenneth. It was always easier to blame everything on him. Tsunamis were Kenneth's fault. Child hunger was Kenneth's fault. Sparkly vampire movies were Kenneth's fault.

"What time are they discharging you tomorrow?" Alison sat sideways on the loveseat with her legs across Emily's and her head resting on the swimmer's shoulder.

Hanna, Mona and Spencer smiled at the two cuddled up. They had all noticed that the couple had gotten extra touchy-feely with Emily's discharge date so close.

"I think around noon," the brunette sighed.

Emily had been excited to go home and sleep in her own bed, but now when she left she would be leaving Alison behind. She had seen Alison mouth off to Nurse Peggy in just the right way so that she made her point, but she never got in trouble. Nurse Peggy never cross them again once Alison asserted her dominance through an articulate rant riddled with thinly veiled threats. Her ability to break someone verbally made her that much more intriguing. Her way with words was almost frightening, especially if she was having a bad day—which was often because the Lexapro wasn't working for her, as expected. Alison may have been depressed, but she sure as hell wasn't weak. The blonde's ability to handle herself wasn't what worried Emily. It was the thought of Alison alone again that didn't sit well with her.

"So this'll be your last dinner in here?" Alison asked, trying to mask the hurt behind an exaggerated inflection.

Emily nodded.

"Are you excited to finally go home and see your dad?" Hanna asked, giddy with excitement as if she was the one being discharged. She and Spencer still had a couple more days until they were discharged and Mona had to stay for another 2 weeks for _acclimation_ as one of the stipulations of her release from Sanitarium.

Emily silently nodded again and gave Hanna a small smile. She was a bit anxious to be going home again and didn't want Alison to feel any worse than she already did.

Alison was happy that Emily was getting out, but she didn't want to be stuck in here without her. Part of it was selfish because she loved cuddling up the the brunette at night and the other part of it was actual concern for how Emily would feel being back home. What kind of nightmares would she have once she was back in the house where it happened? Emily woke in a cold sweat to violent panic attacks on the nights when they had to sleep separately because Eddie wasn't doing bed checks, so Alison would sit on the floor next to Emily's bed and hold her hand through the night. She always kept a book in her lap as an excuse for when the nurses came by and asked why she was awake and sitting on the floor. Emily didn't like that Alison was losing sleep because of her, but helping Emily was not something that Alison was willing to budge on.

"I don't know what I'm going to do without you here," Alison said quietly.

What came across as an "I'll miss you" to the others, registered as a warning sign for Emily. After spending about a week with Alison 24/7, Emily had learned that the blonde felt her worst at night. She didn't need the indication of the scars on Alison's upper thigh to know that the girl was still deeply wounded. She could feel it when she held Alison's warm hand at night and felt the slightest tremor. She could hear it when she woke up to the blonde's audible sniffles and pained breaths echoing through the endless darkness. She saw it when she looked into Alison's watery blue eyes that shimmered under the glow of the bank's sign and wiped the tears from the cheeks of the broken girl who wanted so badly to be happy.

"I need you to promise me that you won't stay in our room unless you're sleeping," Emily said suddenly.

Alison lifted her head from Emily's shoulder and looked into the brunette's unequivocal eyes.

"I need to know that you'll keep people around you," Emily pleaded. The thought of Alison finding something to self-harm with had her stomach in knots. She didn't know how old those scars were, but she hoped they weren't recent and that there would never be new ones.

Alison smiled at Emily needing the reassurance. _She needs to know that I'll be okay._ "I will," she whispered and pressed her lips to Emily's before bringing her head back down to rest. Those two words were big for Alison. Not only did they constitute her promise to Emily, but they embodied the tiny fragment of hope she had that one day she _would_ be okay.

"DiLaurentis, Vanderwaal, visitor!" Nurse Peggy routinely yelled from the front desk, startling everyone in the rec room corner.

"Geez, why does she have to yell? Doesn't she know we're fragile!?" Hanna said exaggeratedly and held her hand to her rapidly beating heart. Nurse Peggy would yell every time they had a visitor, but it was just as jarring and obnoxiously loud every time.

The girls smiled when they saw Aria and Mike coming toward them.

Over the past few days, Aria had been subtly pushing Alison to remember fond memories of Jessica. Alison was incredibly stubborn and Aria's final hint pushed her to realize that thinking about what could have been—being treated for ADHD earlier—was not going to get her anywhere. The secrets her mother kept broke her trust, but it was nothing that could not be rebuilt. Plus, those secrets led her to Emily. They led to friends who were going through this with her and to a closer bond with a friend who would do whatever she could to understand.

Whether it was during her lunch break or after school, Aria drove to the hospital every day to visit Alison. Every now and then, Aria would spout off a surprising amount of complex information that reminded Alison of her best friend's willingness to learn about mental illness for her. The tiny brunette would never know how much she was helping Alison. The girls had taken a great liking to Aria. Mona enjoyed having someone just as small as her around to share the brunt of the short jokes, not to mention how thankful she was to Aria for getting her back together with Mike.

###

After saying goodbye to Mike, Mona walked over to the table where the girls were sitting. Mike had thought about staying for dinner, but Mona wanted to sit with the others for Emily's last dinner and he wasn't too big on being the guy stuck in the middle of their girl talk.

The dinner cart was rolled in and Nurse Peggy handed Aria a tray with a surprisingly appetizing salad and walked away without saying a word. Even Nurse Peggy liked Aria and occasionally gave her the extra tray they had on the cart when she visited around dinner time.

"Why does she like you so much?" Alison said in a hushed shriek as she stared incredulously at Aria's salad _and_ juice box.

Aria shrugged.

"What did I ever do to her?" Alison huffed.

"You told her your brother was a lawyer and that you'd sue her for mistreatment and malpractice for everything she had," Hanna chimed in.

"Jason's not even licensed yet. He's not even done with Pre-law," Spencer said.

"She had no way of knowing that. And maybe what I said was harsh, but she deserved it," Alison contended. She knew no one would argue with her on that, especially Spencer. The woman didn't treat patients fairly and it was the charge nurse's call whether to leave someone in Kennel.

"I feel like they should make Cheetos stained pants so that when I get Cheetos stains on my pants, it looks normal," Hanna randomly mused.

The girls laughed and Spencer smiled at the blonde. Making jokes about weight and food had become an easy coping mechanism for Hanna during her recovery. After a certain point, people commenting on her weight stopped bothering her because she was already commenting on it to herself all day. Eventually she started to crack jokes because if she said it before someone else did, it wouldn't get to her. People had said humor was just a mask, but Hanna wasn't covering her pain anymore. Now she was healing it and by continuing to be a refreshing source of humor, she was helping other people heal too.

"But imagine how gross those pants would look," Mona grimaced.

"Think about it," Hanna shook her head as she finished chewing a bite of her burger. "If Kanye West wore them, teenagers would blindly follow and wear it too. Remember when he wore shutter shades like once and then everyone started wearing them? I hope the next trend he sets is carrying around a golf club everywhere. It would be hilarious!" Hanna laughed to herself, banging on the table.

"Keep it down, Marin!" Nurse Peggy yelled.

Hanna's laughter quickly dissipated, "Stupid Peggy," she grumbled. That seemed to be everyone's favorite phrase around here.

"So, Em, your dad is coming home?" Aria asked.

"Umm, yeah," Emily responded quietly with a shy smile. She was so excited to see her dad, but she had kind of hit the jackpot when it came to dads and she didn't want to rub it in Alison's face or push her to think about Kenneth. From what she knew about the other girls, they didn't have the best father figures and Mona didn't even know if hers existed. "He was stationed in Texas for a while before he was redeployed to Afghanistan last year and I thought he would have to go back, but I think they're going to let him stay in Rosewood for now."

Alison already liked Wayne. Emily had gotten her to talk to him a little bit when he called the unit. Even through the muffled phone, she could hear how dominating his deep voice was. She was intimidated at first, but he had a warm tone in his voice, similar to Pam's, that made her feel at ease. Before Emily had hung up, she covered the phone's mic with her hand and leaned to Alison saying, "He said to _hang in there._ " Wayne was clearly the one Emily had taken after. She had Pam's charm, but like Wayne, she was generally more reserved unless someone or something was a threat to her friends and family.

"How long has it been since you've seen him?" Alison asked.

Emily had to think about that one. Her sense of time was shot when she was depressed because of her spotty sleeping schedule. She couldn't do the calculation in her head anyway, "I don't know. Almost a year, I think."

Spencer noticed Hanna staring intently at the med student who ran the yoga group across the room, "Han, what are you doing?" she said loud enough for only their table to hear.

"I'm staring at her to make her uncomfortable."

"Why?"

"Because, Spencer," Hanna whispered, keeping her eyes locked with the med student, "Emily is leaving and I need something to entertain myself. I can stare out the window and wait to be discharged, or I can stare at Yogi M.D. over there and get some entertainment out of it by making them uncomfortable."

"Really, Han? This is going to be your new thing? Holding intense eye contact with the PhD dunces to make them uncomfortable?"

"Why not?" Mona backed Hanna, and playfully nudged the taller brainiac, "It's fun to see them squirm."

"Well I was going to suggest board games," Spencer joked.

"They don't even have the real Monopoly pieces, Spence!" Hanna cried.

Spencer chuckled. Hanna really loved Monopoly and when they finally got it on the unit, the metal pieces were removed for _safety_ reasons and replaced with clear bingo chips with different symbols drawn on. There was no dog, no car, no top hat, nothing. Kids played as Bingo Star, Bingo dollar sign, Bingo dot, Bingo asterisk, or Bingo ampersand symbol. You either played as a keyboard character or you didn't play at all and Hanna chose the latter because this was "A disgrace to the Monopoly dog."

"DiLaurentis, pack up!" Nurse Peggy yelled, startling the girls again for the umpteenth time.

"What?" Alison let out, startled from her daydreaming.

"You're being discharged," Peggy clarified.

Alison's eyes grew wide. She thought she'd feel happier when she heard someone say that to her. She looked at Aria, but the small brunette shook her head, at a loss for words. Jessica hadn't told her anything. Nurse Peggy had told Aria that with the exception of Peter, patients usually stayed in 21 West for two to three weeks and Alison had only been here for 8 days.

Alison looked to the others seated around the table and they all looked just as shocked and confused.

"Your mother will be here to pick you up in 10 minutes."

 _Thanks for the warning, bitch._ Alison's heart began to pound and she felt her chest tighten.

"Ali, are you okay?" Emily hedged, putting a hand on Alison's thigh where Nurse Peggy couldn't see.

"Don't leave anything behind," Nurse Peggy added dryly.

Alison's throat ran dry and suddenly the air felt thin as if she were on top of a mountain.

"Ali?" Aria called, trying to break the blonde from her unnerving, silent state.

Alison bolted out of her seat towards her room and Emily and Aria swiftly followed. She ran down the hall as fast as she could and let her body fall to the ground in front of the center nightstand. She pressed her back to the side of Emily's bed, facing away from the door, and brought her legs up to her heaving chest as she tried to catch her breath.

Emily and Aria came rushing through the door way and halted when they didn't immediately see Alison. Emily's eyes darted around as she scanned the room for Alison and stopped when she caught sight of blonde popping up from the space between their beds. Aria quietly lowered herself to the linoleum tile and leaned against the bed opposite her troubled friend. Emily got down on the floor with Alison and held the blonde as she convulsed through dry sobs.

Aria patiently watched as Emily coached Alison through deep breaths. She remained silent, not wanting to intrude on the moment. Just like when she'd go over to Alison's house and keep her company, she didn't have to say anything. Just being there for Alison was enough. When Alison's breathing calmed and she settled into Emily's side, Aria leaned forward and gently put a comforting hand on Alison's knee, "I'll start packing your stuff," she said softly.

"Thank you," the blonde said in a strained voice.

Aria nodded and walked over to Alison's dresser on the side of the bed closer to the window. She opened the dresser and sighed at the sight of Alison's clothing in crumpled piles. Alison was usually a very neat person and it was apparent that she was too drained to care about folding anything. At least she had kept her dirty laundry separate in the side pockets of her duffle bag.

"Ali, what happened back there? Aren't you happy that you're going home?" Emily asked. She had barely had time to gauge Alison's reaction to the news before the blonde had shot up from the dinner table and bolted.

"I am, but once I leave here I have to start thinking about everything again, I have to tell Jason what I want to do about Kenneth, I have to face my mom again, think about school, and college essays and now I have to go to Day Treatment and—" Alison cut her rambling off when she realized why she was so freaked out about being discharged from 21 West. "I have to go to Day Treatment tomorrow…and you're still in here."

Emily raised her eyebrows with a sympathetic smile and beckoned Alison to keep going.

Alison inhaled deeply, "I'm scared," she admitted, faintly.

Aria's ears perked up and she paused her folding. Alison would usually admit to being angry, depressed and sometimes even being wrong, but she had _never_ heard Alison admit to being scared. Even when it was painfully obvious, she struggled to admit she was depressed because it made her feel weak.

"What are you scared of?" Emily pressed gently, wiping away the remaining tears and tucking a strand of hair behind the blonde's ear.

"Everything," Alison whispered.

Emily and Aria were heartbroken for the girl whose voice held nothing, but pure anguish. _The psychiatrist in 21 East better get you on a different anti-depressant ASAP, or I'll light a fire under their ass._

"Day Treatment, the new kids, the new doctors, new nurses…"

"Hey," Emily took Alison's hand, "I'm scared too. We're basically starting a new school."

"I don't want to leave you here," Alison.

"I'll be fine, Ali," Emily assured the blonde, "I've been here for two and a half weeks. I can handle another day. And they're letting me out at noon so it's a half day." Emily tilted the sniffling blonde's chin up, "Remember what my dad said?"

Alison nodded and let out a watery chuckle, _"Hang in there."_

Emily smiled, "One day at a time. Just make it through the first day and then I'll be right there with you. Once they're discharged, Hanna, Spencer and Mona will be there too."

They sat there for a moment and eventually got up to help Aria finish packing.

"Okay, all set?" Aria asked.

Emily looked around the room and realized how empty it felt without Alison's clutter on the nightstand and the bits of her clothing that would hang out of the drawers.

"I think so," Alison said, taking a quick sweep of the room.

Aria started to zip up the duffle bag, "Wait!" Emily exclaimed, putting a hand up to get Aria's attention. "You forgot something," the swimmer said as she crawled across her bed and reached for the bottom drawer of her dresser.

Alison smiled when she realized what Emily was grabbing.

"I saw you put them back in there yesterday," Emily said, handing Alison the old swim apparel she had let the blonde wear when she was stuck in the paper scrubs until her bag was searched. "I gave them to you."

"Em, you earned these. This has your name on it," Alison said, holding up the shirt with _FIELDS_ printed on the back. "It's basically your varsity jacket. You can't just give that up."

"I have one of those too and you can wear it whenever you want, but _these_ are yours now," Emily insisted and smiled, picturing Alison all cozied up in her varsity jacket. She took the shirt and sweatpants from the blonde and stuffed them into the half-zipped duffle bag.

The girls heard a knock on the doorframe and turned to find Eddie poking his head out before cautiously entering the room. "Everything alright in here?"

Alison nodded, hiking the duffle bag over her shoulder and slamming into the male nurse in an aggressive hug, "Thank you for everything, Eddie," she said in a muffled voice against his torso.

Eddie chuckled and pat Alison on the back, "For the tissues?"

Alison let go of the male nurse, "For being the only decent person who works in here."

"Always."

"Do you know why I'm being discharged now?"

"Your insurance company won't pay for you to be in here anymore. It happens sometimes," Eddie explained.

 _It happens sometimes? What happens when patients actually need to be in here?_

"You are going to go back there and _find_ the damn prescription or I'll make sure this place is audited every week!" a familiar voice rang out.

The girls and Eddie followed Alison as she lugged her bag up to the front desk to find her mother verbally obliterating Nurse Peggy.

"Ms. DiLaurentis, you need to keep your voice down," Peggy said, trying to stop this from becoming a bigger scene.

"Oh, like you do!?" Jessica questioned sarcastically. "You know what this little thing does?" Jessica pointed to the medication name on the prescription she was holding, "That little thing called Lexapro. You know what it does for her? Nothing!" she yelled. "So why don't you go back there and find the prescription that actually matters?!"

Everyone on the unit had their jaws dropped as they watched Peggy cower under Jessica's verbal gashing. The nurse disappeared behind the desk and Jessica quickly shut her mouth when she saw Alison staring at her. "Alison, I—"

Before Jessica could say anything else, Alison collided into her and hugged her harder than ever. "It's about time someone shut that bitch up," Alison whispered.

Jessica missed the feeling of having her daughter in her arms, "Someone needs to clock that bitch in the face. Who the hell hired her?"

"Everything is Kenneth's fault, remember?"

Jessica laughed, "How could I forget?"

"Ms. DiLaurentis," Peggy addressed Jessica, "Here's the Concerta prescription and here are the discharge forms you need to fill out."

Alison let go of her mom and turned to the other girls who had gotten dinner and a show.

"Ali, your mom might be scarier than mine," Spencer said, impressed with the DiLaurentis' ability to crush someone via oration in a way that rivaled that of her family. She was pretty sure the Hastings could beat everyone out in intellect, but the DiLaurentis' might have them pegged in ferocity and cunningness.

Alison chuckled and hugged the brainy brunette, "See you soon, Spence."

"Aw, us too. Come on, Mona!" Hanna yelled and ushered everyone into a group hug. "You too, Aria."

"I'm leaving _with_ Ali," Aria reasoned.

"Aria, don't fight me on group hugs," Hanna playfully warned and snatched Aria in.

"Sweetheart," Jessica called to Alison, "I filled out your discharge papers. Ready to go?"

"Can you give me a minute?" Alison asked.

"Sure," Jessica nodded.

"I'll take your bag," Aria said, taking the duffle from her friend and waiting by the ward door with Jessica.

Emily brought Alison into her arms for a tight hug.

Nurse Peggy opened her mouth to yell at them for contact, but quickly rethought her decision when Jessica shot her the DiLaurentis death glare. It seemed her thick skin had significantly thinned after being crushed by both mother _and_ daughter.

"One day," Emily whispered. "You can always do one day."

The blonde squeezed back and buried her face in the swimmer's neck as she let a tear fall. After a long moment, Alison let her hands fall to Emily's waist and placed a gentle kiss to Emily's tattoo. She brought her hand up to the brunette's tan cheek and pulled Emily's lips to her own.

Emily reveled in what had become her new favorite feeling—the blonde's heart shaped lips pressed to hers—and cupped the sensitive nape of Alison's neck.

Alison pulled away slightly, "One day, Mermaid," she murmured, lightly stroking the swimmer's cheek.

Emily leered into Alison's glistening eyes, past the fierce lioness that Peggy received and past the broken shell that most people saw. Beyond all that, she saw the girl who sat on the floor, holding her hand so she wouldn't have nightmares. She saw the girl who was willing to stay up all night so that she wouldn't wake up to panic attacks even though she herself was hurting. "I love you," she breathed against the blonde's lips.

Emily's warm breath ghosted over Alison's soft skin and a smile manifested the blonde's feelings before she could register what Emily had said. She didn't need to let her brain catch up this time. She had been scared to define what this relationship was, but she had thoroughly thought her feelings through. The girls had asked her if she was drawn to Emily because Emily _saved_ her. Emily was fiercely protective, but she wouldn't fight Alison's battles _for_ her. Alison wasn't with Emily because she _saved_ her, she was with Emily because she loved her. She kissed Emily fervently and rested their heads together, "I love you too."

Emily's smile widened, "Go home," she said softly, placing one last kiss to the blonde's temple and reluctantly backing away.

"Holy crap, that was like some _Notebook_ shit!" Hanna blurted, breaking the couple's gazes and the moment.

Spencer face-palmed at Hanna's lack of filter and Mona fought to suppress her laughter.

Alison shook her head, "Bye, Han," she said over her shoulder as she walked toward the ward door.

"Bye, Ali! Eat a waffle for me!"

Alison half-turned back to the blonde with a puzzled look.

"I just miss waffles and they only have pancakes here! Pancakes are just lazy waffles!" Hanna proclaimed.

Alison chuckled, "Will do, Han." She took her bag from Aria and looked at her mother.

"When were you going to tell me about this?" Jessica said sternly.

"Mom, I was going to, I-I just didn't think—" Alison stumbled clumsily over her words.

"So…?"

This time Alison recognized the teasing glint in her mother's voice and rolled her eyes. "Can we just go home?" Alison pleaded.

"Alright, fine," Jessica conceded and looked, or glared, at Peggy and gestured to the door. The now subdued nurse pressed a button behind the desk and unlocked the door. Alison stepped through the doorway and paused to look back at Emily once more before following her mother and Aria.

"So now we're at 'I love you,' huh?" Aria teased, nudging Alison with her elbow.

###

Mike had taken the car when he left and Aria happily accepted when Jessica offered her a ride home.

The car ride was mostly silent, aside from Jessica and Aria's small talk. The brunette kept her answers short. She was more interested in seeing how Alison was readjusting to being outside. Alison sat with her bag on her lap as she took in every detail of Rosewood after dark. Aria watched the blonde's eyebrows raise and furrow several times throughout the ride. It was like she was remembering things she hadn't seen in years and looking at other things and seeing them for the first time.

"Thanks, Ms. D," Aria said, sliding out of the back seat.

"Anytime, Aria." Jessica assured, "When are you going to call me Jessica?"

"The 6th of never," Aria joked and shut the car door.

Alison remained silent the rest of the way home, shrugging off the safe questions her mom threw over her shoulder from the driver's seat.

Alison changed into some sleep shorts and Emily's swim shirt and headed back downstairs to get a glass of water. The second she stepped into the kitchen, her mother gave her the third degree. Her mother needed to know about Emily before she turned to teasing again.

"You really love her."

Alison exhaled, "I do."

Her daughter answered her as if it were a question, but after listening to the way she talked about Emily, it was more of an observation.

"I'm going to bed," Alison said, stretching through a yawn. As she expected, her mother had thrown her every question Spencer and Hanna had thrown regarding Emily and it was absolutely exhausting.

She sleepily trudged up the stairs and plopped herself down on her mattress. Something felt off. The house felt familiar, but something about her room and the feeling of her sheets was foreign. She was home, but it didn't feel quite like _home._ She noticed the same glowing bank sign that she could see from the hospital window and it felt like she was sharing something with Emily. The only thing that could be seen from the hospital windows at night was the bank's illuminated logo that sat on top of the highest building in Rosewood. Every time she would look at that logo, she would make the connection to the hospital. She didn't know if always making that connection was a good or bad thing, but right now it connected her to Emily and that felt pretty good. Alison watched the sign intermittently flicker through heavy eyes, "One day," she whispered to herself over and over again as she fell into a deep sleep.


	8. I Choose Both

AN: Thank you for all your kind words! Keep leaving me reviews. I appreciate everyone's feedback.

White Tigresss, the Spanna vibes are completely platonic lol. I just love writing their dynamic.

* * *

"Alison," Jessica said softly to the girl lying on her side, facing the window, "It's time to wake up, sweetheart." Thanks to the Concerta, Alison was functioning just well enough to leave the house, but she was clearly still severely depressed and Jessica felt bad for having to wake her.

"Okay," Alison murmured and stared blankly at the bank sign in the distance. She had already been awake for hours.

"How did you sleep?" Jessica asked, but she could already guess.

"Fine," Alison lied. She had probably gotten about an hour of sleep in total. She knocked out right away following her mother's interrogation, but couldn't shake the feeling of someone watching her. The residual reflex from bed checks jolted her awake every 20 minutes and eventually she just gave up trying to find deep sleep and stayed up the rest of the night.

Jessica sighed. She knew Alison didn't sleep well in her bouts of depression. "Come downstairs to take the Concerta when you're ready."

Alison murmured another "okay" and waited for her mother to close the door before forcing herself out of bed. She opened her dresser and pondered over what she should wear. She thought about wearing her best because this was technically a first day of school, but eventually settled on some jeans and a simple white blouse. This was Day Treatment and honestly, who was she trying to impress?

Alison made her way downstairs and found her mother in the kitchen, pouring a glass of water. She looked around the dimly lit room she had almost forgotten. "Is that right?" she said, nodding to the stove's digital display that said _6:13am._

Jessica turned to look at the stove and nodded, "It's right."

"Why did we have to get up so early? I thought their school starts at 7:30."

"It does, but we're supposed to have a meeting with your doctors at 7. Do you want anything to eat?" Jessica asked.

"I'm not hungry," Alison said quietly, sitting in one of the stools around the kitchen island. Jessica slid her a pill bottle and the glass of water. Alison picked up the orange bottle and turned it to read the label. _Concerta._ She pushed and twisted the white child-proof cap and shook one of the grey tablets into her hand. "Did you fill the Lexapro prescription too?" She was hoping she wouldn't have to take it tonight. It gave her headaches and she didn't see the point of taking something if all she got was the side effects.

"I threw it out," Jessica said easily. "I don't want you taking it anymore."

"But I can't just stop taking it." She was happy to skip it, but people were generally supposed to be weened on and off psychiatric medication.

"You're on a low dose."

Alison was too tired to think about it anymore so she just popped the Concerta onto her tongue and gulped it down with some water, hoping it would kick in soon so she'd be able to stay awake through the day.

"Here," Jessica slid Alison's phone across the counter. "You're probably really happy to have that back, huh?"

"I guess, yeah," Alison shrugged and flicked the switch on the side to put it on vibrate.

Jessica turned to hide her disappointment and hooked her bag over her shoulder. She thought that would get Alison to smile.

Alison hadn't even realized she didn't have her phone with her, not with her emotions everywhere in 21 West. She was glad that she had it back, it was just hard to get excited about anything. _You can always do one day_ , Alison reiterated Emily's words from the previous night.

###

As they walked past the Emergency Room doors and into the lobby, Alison had to remind herself that she was going to Day Treatment and not the inpatient unit. They signed in at the information/visitor pass desk and waited for the secretary to write up their guest passes. It was a bit of a maze to the back of the hospital where the elevators were, but Alison figured she'd get used to it pretty quickly. She anxiously watched the floor number display as the lift climbed higher and higher. The elevator doors opened and she took a deep breath as she stepped out. Alison looked around the small elevator lobby and realized she didn't recognize anything except the gross light wheat paint on the walls. _Floor 21_ was stenciled on the walls between each of the 5 elevators, right below the floor number was a plastic stand that framed the hospital rights. Jessica led Alison out of the elevator lobby and through the entryway that read _Child & Adolescent Day Treatment._

Alison did a quick sweep of the unit. She looked to the right, down the long hallway and saw _21 West_ stenciled over double doors. They had left this way last night, but Alison was so out of it that she couldn't recognize anything now. She looked down to the other end of the hall and saw that another set of double doors were propped open with _21 East_ over the frame. She could see a few of the classrooms that ran perpendicular to the long hallway. Just before the classrooms, a portion of the wall was windowed, revealing a huge room with a glazed roof that must have been 3-4 stories high.

"Sweetheart," Jessica called from the end of the hall, "Come on."

Alison walked down the hall toward her mother who was standing right in front of the 21 West entrance. She peered through small windows on the doors, but all she could see was the foosball table. Emily was probably about to have breakfast with Hanna and Spencer just on the other side.

"You're thinking about her, aren't you?" Jessica said knowingly.

"Hmm?" Alison turned to her mother.

"You're smiling."

"Is this it?" Alison asked, changing the subject and pointing to the door just to the right of the inpatient unit.

Jessica nodded and opened the door, letting Alison walk through first.

Alison hesitantly entered the room and it took her a moment to remember that they were early and no kids were here yet.

"Hi," a woman with short blonde hair, who looked like she was in her early 30s, approached her with an outstretched hand, "You must be Alison."

Alison nodded and gave a firm handshake. Something about this woman irked her already and she wouldn't allow herself to seem weak around her.

"I'm Dr. Kavanaugh, I'll be your therapist."

 _Fuck me, of course you are. Shit._ Alison cursed herself, but didn't let her firm handshake or eye contact waver.

A heavier, tan Filipino man, who looked to be around the same age as Dr. Kavanaugh, came out from the tiny office in the corner of the room, "And I'm Dr. Alcerra. I'll be your psychiatrist."

Alison looked at the hospital I.D. clipped to his shirt and read _Director, Child and Adolescent Day Treatment._ She didn't completely trust this guy either, but his presence commanded more respect and he seemed a little more genuine than the therapist.

"Please, sit," Dr. Alcerra said as he led them over to an area with 3 tables pushed together to form 1 long one for the patients. "So, how are you?"

The room remained silent and she realized that the doctors wouldn't keep going until they got some kind of answer. "I'm _in here,_ " Alison deadpanned.

"Fair enough," Dr. Alcerra ceded, knowing that was probably the most he was going to get out of the girl right now. He glanced down at Alison's file. "Did you eat anything?"

Alison shook her head, "I wasn't hungry."

"You need to make sure you eat before you take the meds. You're probably not hungry during the day because of the Concerta, but you need to eat in the morning so you have something in your stomach, even if it's just a granola bar or an apple."

Alison agreed even though she probably wouldn't listen. She probably should, but she was stubborn and she was going to eat when she felt like eating.

"Your mom told me that Lexapro hasn't worked for you?" Dr. Alcerra asked, but didn't look up from the file for confirmation. "I'm going to write a prescription for Remeron. It's another anti-depressant. This one will work better with the stimulant and it'll also help you sleep," he explained as he signed the prescription. "It's sometimes prescribed as just a sleep aid, so only take it before bed like the Lexapro," he finished and handed the script to Jessica. "Let me give you a quick orientation and then I'll walk you over to the school so you can get your schedule."

Alison got up from the table and followed Dr. Alcerra to a small round table by the door with a clipboard, a pile of papers and a few pens and pencils scattered on it.

"Every morning when you come in, you have to come to this room and sign in," he glanced down at the visitor sticker on her shirt, "We'll get you your I.D. soon so you won't have to keep getting a visitor's pass downstairs." The psychiatrist pointed to the pile of papers next to the clipboard, "These are the point sheets. Write your name and doctor at the top and write the class and teacher or staff member's name on these lines. At the end of a class or group, you get them to sign it and they'll give you up to four points for that period depending on your behavior. When you save up points, you can get prizes from the store over there," he said, gesturing to a plexiglass-protected shelf filled with a bunch of random toys and junk that Alison didn't really want. "We keep track of everyone's points on that white board."

Alison just nodded again, trying to remember all of the information she had been given. Dr. Alcerra handed her a point sheet which he had already filled out the top of and started to lead her down the hall to the school. When they got to the elevator lobby in the middle of the long hallway, Alison turned to her mother and hugged her goodbye.

"I'm going to walk to work. I'll leave the car here for you, okay?"

"Thank you, Mom," Alison said. It was lightly snowing outside, but her mom had never minded the cold. Jessica always got so excited when it snowed and would sit drinking coffee in the morning by the window as if she were waiting for a snow day to be announced with the TV on in the background. She was probably disappointed with this year's unusually warm winter. Alison hadn't even taken a jacket this morning.

Dr. Alcerra walked her down the rest of the hall and into the school's main office. "Here you go," he said, handing Alison her schedule. "Your first period says _Gym_. That just means you're supposed to be in the atrium. It's that really big room with the windows that we passed. Also, you might hear the other kids call Day Treatment _Bellevue_. That's the name of this psych floor, but they don't really call it that in 21 West. Just our unit. Lunch is back in the day room."

Alison nodded in understanding and walked out of the office and into the massive atrium. She looked up at the glazed windows on the ceiling, still dark as it was early in the morning and the middle of winter. The walls were finished in glazed brick and the only light in the room came from the still warming industrial halogen lights that were mounted 30-something feet up the wall. The dim lights flickered off the surface of the green, solid plastic picnic tables that were pushed so close up against the wall, you _had_ to slide in on one side. She was reminded of her solitude with each and every step she took on the white linoleum tiles that echoed through the deserted room.

Alison slid herself onto the bench between the wall and table. She wanted to stay out of everyone's way and observe how everything worked on her first day. It didn't matter where you were. You had to learn the system to survive and when Alison was at the top of her game, she learned to play and manipulate it. But for now, she would just try not to let the day break her.

She was far enough down the row of tables, past the windowed portion of the wall, that she could lean her head back uncomfortably on the finished brick and close her eyes for a while. Alison was letting her eyes rest, but her mind and physical awareness never stopped working. She didn't like being unconscious when she wasn't in what felt like a safe environment and she had trained herself to almost actively listen even when she was asleep. _It's a gift now, but it won't be when I try to sleep tonight._

Alison's eyes shot open the second she heard faint footsteps approaching the atrium. She kept her back pressed firmly against the brick and nervously clenched her fists in her lap. A fair skinned girl with straight, raven colored hair and a much taller, thicker girl with light brown puffy curls tied back walked along side her. The taller girl slid in next to Alison while the raven haired girl sat across from her. The shorter girl had a smile on her face and Alison figured that them cornering her was only unintentionally intimidating. They were here to greet her.

"Hi," the girl with the jarringly dark hair greeted, briefly lifting her hand from the table in a wave, "I'm Christina, that's Lexi," she said, pointing to the taller girl.

"Alison. How old are you two?"

"15," Christina answered, a hint of an accent in her pronunciation. She probably came from a bilingual household.

"16," Lexi said.

The blonde nodded and let the two go into their gossip. The girls talked freely around her like they had nothing to hide, despite their conversation being what she considered to be very personal. She was taken back by the way they talked about their friends' getting jumped and a little saddened by the responsibilities they had at home. When she heard Christina say, "I thought I was pregnant last week," Alison knew her suspicions were right. The air of older confidence and maturity around these two girls was forged. They had been forced to grow up too fast.

She observed the mannerisms of the other kids who had started to come in and she could tell that one of them was somewhere on the autism spectrum and the others probably mixed and matched different developmental and behavioral disorders. _Thank you, Spencer knowledge._ These were the _problem_ _students_ who had been labeled _the bad kids._ While she had empathy for them, Alison still didn't want to be stuck in a school with them. She had already heard Lexi and Christina talk about their friends' affiliation with gangs and it made her nervous.

Judgmental thoughts about their ignorance loomed in her mind, but that person who wanted to harshly belittle them wasn't who she wanted to be anymore. These kids were fighting a war too. _Watch yourself._ She never wanted Emily to see that person. _These kids may have missed a lot of school, but so did you,_ Alison told herself. _You're one of them. You were labeled a bad kid. They got here a different way, but you ended up in the same place, didn't you?_

A middle aged, ghost-white haired man was swarmed by the patients when he walked into the atrium. He herded them all over to the table nearest to the door and called off the names as he finished signing each point sheet in the stack he had attained. Alison waited for the line to disappear and silently handed him the paper.

"Alison," he read from her point sheet, "I'm Mr. Napoli. I help out in the school."

She was able to catch the word s _upervisor_ on his I.D.. He gave off a friendly vibe, but his role in the school was obviously a lot bigger than "helping out" and she didn't trust anyone who tried to hide their power.

Alison politely thanked Mr. Napoli for signing her point sheet and pulled out her schedule to find that her next class was US History. She walked into the classroom with the globe sticker on the door and scanned the room for an empty seat. She started toward a seat on the mid-left.

"I'll take that," the teacher said, reaching his hand out, "…the point sheet."

Alison handed it over to the friendly, bald, middle-aged man.

"I like to collect them at the beginning of class so that I can just quickly sign them at the end and you guys don't have to have it taking up space on these tiny desks."

Alison nodded and took a seat in the second desk from the front on the left. She shifted uncomfortably in the hard seat and realized that this was the first time she had been in a classroom setting in over three months. These were the same solid plastic and metal tablet arm desks that they had in Dalton. These classrooms were much smaller than Dalton's, smaller than the inpatient rooms. Five desks were arranged into two columns and each one was pushed up against the opposing wall. The side Alison chose was a little inconvenient because every single desk was for the right handed, which meant the opening for the seat was on the side that was pushed up against the book cases. Alison read the cover of the same textbook that rested on every desk. _World History?_ "Mr.…?"

"Finnerty," the teacher finished for her.

"I thought this was _U.S._ History."

"It's supposed to be, but we never got those textbooks for some reason. We make do with what we have," he shrugged and sighed.

 _This place is so underfunded and disorganized. How do kids ever go back to regular school if they're in here for God knows how long, only studying what ever part of what ever textbook this place has at the time? How am_ I _gonna go back?_

"Alison?" Mr. Finnerty called.

Alison snapped out of her thoughts and looked up.

"You can get started on those questions for the chapter we're on. It's that plastic sheet sticking out of the book."

She opened the book to questions Mr. Finnerty had printed for the students. He had put them in plastic binder sheets so they didn't get ruined by rough handling and he even slipped in colored overlays to help the kids who had dyslexia. This guy really did all he could for the students.

She gave Mr. Finnerty a once-over and noticed that he wasn't sitting behind a large teacher desk. It was tucked away in the corner and he was sitting in one of the smaller tablet arm desks like other kids. He didn't even have enough room for everything on the small surface, so he had to use a flimsy music stand to hold the point sheets and spare writing utensils. Alison wanted to ask why he chose this set up, but other kids started to come in so she kept quiet and pushed through the tedious task of reading the questions and writing down the answers she found in the textbook.

As Alison continued to push through the morning, she could feel her will wearing thin, fast. It was nearing the end of math and she was bored out of her mind. Lexi and Christina were in it with her and now Alison could understand how substantially far behind in school they were. The girls were only one and two years younger than her, so they should have been doing Geometry, Algebra 2 or Trigonometry, but they were struggling with Pre-Algebra.

Lexi glanced over at Alison's paper and scoffed.

Alison felt the tall girl's eyes on her and stiffened.

She didn't know how to talk the kids here. She told herself to find common ground, but she didn't have a fucking clue of where to start. She had finally gotten used to talking to people again in 21 West and now it felt like she didn't have anyone to talk to. The red-headed math teacher, Mr. Dotter, and Benny, the aid who helped with the simple math, were both really nice and friendly, but right now, talking with the other kids in the room felt like talking out of turn and Alison couldn't have felt more lonely.

"You don't belong here," Lexi said, shaking her head slowly.

Alison carefully lifted her eyes to the girl looking at her paper and breathed an inward sigh of relief when she saw that the towering girl was smiling.

"You're too smart for this school," Lexi remarked as she stared in amazement that Alison had easily work through the middle school math.

Alison shrugged in response. She didn't say anything because she felt bad for these two girls. She had heard them fantasizing about what college would be like. If they graduated from high school, how would they make it through the first semester of college rigor courses? She had struggled in school too and who was to say that the same thing wouldn't happen to her?

Alison looked up from her desk and jumped a little when she realized she wasn't in math with Mr. Dotter anymore. Her body had been on auto pilot for the last hour and she didn't remember walking in. At least she had chosen the desk that was half behind the closet. She glanced up at the clock on the wall. This class was almost over and she hadn't finished answering the questions from this science textbook. She saw that the other kids were already done and waiting for class to end. _I'm not too smart for this school._

###

"Bye, Em!" Hanna squeezed Emily in a tight hug. Spencer was in the hug too, but she wasn't squeezing nearly as hard.

"Okay, Han," Emily feigned pain. Hanna was stronger than she looked. "I'll see you guys soon?"

"Yeah," Spencer nodded. "We only have a couple more days. Say 'Hi' to Ali for us."

"And eat a waffle for me," Hanna added.

"You already told Ali to do that," Spencer said.

Emily smiled and hooked her bag onto her shoulder, "Ali doesn't really like to eat breakfast anyway. I'll have a protein shake for you though."

Hanna scrunched up her nose, "Ew, forget it then."

Emily chuckled and waved back at her friends, "Bye, guys."

Nurse Peggy buzzed Emily and her mom out of the unit and they walked down the hall to the elevator lobby.

"So, what do you want to do for the rest of the day?" Pam asked, keeping her eyes on the number display that indicated which floor the elevator was on.

"What?"

"You don't start Day Treatment until tomorrow, so what do you want to do for the rest of the day?"

Emily paused to think, "I'm not sure. I kind of just wanna relax at home, maybe see Ali later," she said, stepping up to the opening elevator doors.

Pam pressed the button to the first floor, "Does she even live near us?"

"Close enough for me to ride my bike there. Why'd you ask that?"

"Well first of all, a short bike ride for you is not a short bike ride for a normal person," Pam pointed out, "And I just asked because a lot of the kids in Day Treatment are transferred in from Philly and other cities because their schools don't know what to do with them."

"Ali lives close by. When she's discharged, she'll go to school with me."

Pam smiled at her daughter having another friend when she went back. After Nate, Emily's panic attacks put her on edge and she started to lash out at people which caused her to lose a lot of her friends. Pam thought Emily was better off without those _friends_ if they didn't care enough about her to see that she was only snapping at them out of pain. Rosewood High was pretty much the only public school in the small town and when the hospital discharged kids, Emily's school was often where a lot of them were sent. The brunette had more people to relate to at Rosewood High than she thought. Granted, kids probably didn't go around advertising their mental illnesses, but Pam hoped that one day Emily would see that there were allies all around her.

When they pulled up to the house, Emily saw her dad standing up on their deck. Before she could notice what he was standing next to, or remember to take her bag in, she ran into the house and up the stairs to tackle-hug him.

Wayne chuckled and firmly embraced his daughter, "I missed you too, Emmy."

Emily glanced around and saw Snowy the Snowman propped up against the deck railing. "Dad?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are the Christmas decorations out?"

"Your mother told me you weren't feeling up to it when it was actually Christmas so I thought we could do it together now." Wayne didn't care if they were more than half way through January. His Emmy got to decorate the house every year and this year was not going to be any different.

"Really?"

"Of course," Wayne bellowed and picked up two large, plastic penguins, "Now who gets to put up Wingy and who gets to put up Pingy?"

###

It was finally lunchtime, but Alison wasn't excited at all. She was nervous to talk to these kids and sitting in the day room, where she was expected to do exactly that, was not something she was looking forward to. Having to eat surrounded by nurses and psychologists was just the frosting on the Bellevue shit cake.

She opened the door to the day room and her eyes fell to the only available seat. _Fuck my life._ She pushed forward and begrudgingly sat in the seat next to Dr. Kavanaugh. She didn't know why she didn't like this woman. She hadn't even really talked to her yet.

"You don't want to get any food?" the therapist asked.

"I'm not hungry," Alison said quietly. She waited for the lecture on the importance of eating, but it didn't come and she internally thanked them for letting her be today.

"Hi, Ms. Robbie," Lexi said, sitting next to one of the nurses.

"Hey, sweetie," Ms. Robbie greeted and glanced down to the girl's hands. "When are you going to stop biting your nails? How else are you ever gon' get a man to put a ring on that pretty finger?"

Lexi's smile instantly faded and she shrugged before digging into her food.

The blonde grimaced to herself at the nurse's unintentional dig. Ms. Robbie was a sweet older black woman with a thick southern accent and Alison knew she didn't mean it in a bad way, but whether the nurse knew the weight of her words, she still shouldn't have said it. It implied that this 16 year old girl should be striving for marriage and assumed that Lexi was heterosexual.

Alison wanted to say something, but with her emotions all over the place today, she would inevitably get herself into trouble and she wanted to make sure she got out of here at the end of the summer. As she silently doodled on the back of her point sheet, she realized that she hadn't really spoken to anyone all day, not including the few words with Lexi, Christina and the teachers. For the first time ever, she found herself wishing she was in school. Being in classes saved her from talking to the other kids and being anywhere near the Bellevue staff.

When Dr. Alcerra said that it was time to go back to class, Alison's body relaxed. She stopped drawing on her point sheet to get it signed and noticed a deep, white divot on the side of her index finger. She had been holding onto her pencil with a death grip. This place was making her crack.

###

"How long are you here for?" Ms. Lipton asked.

"Through summer school," Alison sighed, dejectedly. She was already fed up with how this place treated kids. The teachers were nice, but the Bellevue staff was worse than the inpatient staff at keeping kids calm. At least once every period, a kid would get dragged through the school hallway in tears, frantically kicking and screaming. They would be taken behind the white door, past the last class room and all of the sudden the screaming would stop. _They sedate kids when they don't listen._ Alison shuddered at the disgusting practice. She doubted the kids were doing anything that required sedation because she never heard screaming until the inevitable "Let go of me!" rang out.

The curly haired art teacher gave her a sympathetic look and put more paper on the table for Alison to draw on. This was the last period of the day and the blonde had come in from music looking completely hollow and defeated. She didn't want to push too hard so she had just been letting Alison do what she wanted.

The art teacher read the time on her watch, "It's time to go. Do you want me to save any of this?" referring to the drawings Alison had done.

"No,"Alison shook her head.

"I'll give them your point sheet. I'm guessing you don't want to go back in there."

"Have a good evening," the blonde said politely and exited of the classroom. Alison had only gotten worse during the last half of the school day. She was frustrated with herself for not being able to finish any of the work in these ridiculously trivial classes. She thought music would be the easiest class, but Mr. Foster decided to take after the other classes and have her answer questions from a passage he found online about old jazz musicians. The only reason she was able to finish the math questions was because the work was for 6th graders and it didn't require reading.

She fought the exhaustion and wearily turned the corner to the long hallway. She looked up to find Emily in her blue Sharks varsity jacket at the other end of the corridor, sitting in one of the chairs in front of the day room. The swimmer caught sight of Alison and stood up.

Emily beamed at the nearing blonde walking towards her, "How was it?" she called through the hallway.

Alison thought about how to answer and tried to force a smile to keep Emily's on her face, but it fell flat under the miserable despair that made her heart ache in her chest.

Emily's smile vanished at the sight of heavy tears gathering in the nearing blonde's eyes and she moved to meet the distraught girl halfway at the entrance to the elevator lobby.

Alison stepped into Emily and slipped her arms through the opening of the varsity jacket and around the swimmer's waist.

Emily cupped the blonde's cheeks, "Hey," she said sweetly, using her thumbs to gently wipe the tears Alison was trying to blink away.

Alison swallowed thickly, "I hate it," she forced out in a strained voice.

"It'll get better." _I hope._ If she had seen Broken Alison that first morning when they met, then this was Shattered Alison. This Alison looked like she had lost all hope. This Alison didn't even look like she had the energy to self harm if she wanted to. This Alison looked like she had just given up. But Emily wasn't going to let her. "It was just the first day," she pulled the girl from her thoughts, "Can you do another?"

Alison nodded slowly.

"Good," Emily whispered, giving her a small smile. "Come on." She clasped their hands together and led Alison into the elevator and out of the hospital.

It had gotten much colder since Alison had left the house this morning and she was now shivering in her thin blouse. "My car is in the parking lot in the back."

The swimmer noticed Alison shivering and let go of the blonde's hand to take her jacket off.

"What are you doing?"

"Put it on," Emily said, holding the letterman open.

"I'm fine."

"You're cold, I have a sweater under this, and I said you could wear it whenever you wanted."

"Whenever _I_ wanted to wear it or whenever _you_ wanted me to wear it?"

"Both?"

A smile tugged at Alison's lips as she gave in and turned around, slipping her arms through the sleeves. "You do realize how cliché this is, right?"

Emily brushed off the shoulders of the jacket and clasped their hands again, "It's your fault for walking right into it by only wearing a blouse in the middle of January." She leaned forward to peck the blonde's lips and pulled away to see Alison smiling for the first time that day.

They approached the car and Emily held her hand out, "Give me your keys."

"Why?"

"I'm driving. You look like you're about to pass out."

Alison rolled her eyes, but she knew Emily was right. Taking the Concerta nearly 3 hours earlier than she was used to meant it was wearing off 3 hours earlier and the raw fatigue was beginning to show itself.

She stayed awake in the car, telling Emily about the teachers she had met that day and about the kids and all the messed up ways they were mistreated.

"They give kids the booty juice when they're not violent?" Emily said, in shock.

"If that's what you call sedation, then yes."

"It is," Emily nodded as she parked Alison's car.

"Em, this isn't my house."

"I know," she said, getting out of the car and walking around to Alison's side and opening the door, "It's mine. You're having dinner with us."

Alison got out and caught a glimpse of the Rosewood Sharks bumper sticker on the Corolla in front of them. "Is that your car?" she asked, taking Emily's hand.

"Yeah."

"Wait, did you _walk_ back to the hospital?"

"Yep."

Alison was impressed. She thought it seemed far, but then again, she wasn't an athlete. "How long do you usually keep your decorations up?"

"Actually I just put them up with my dad a couple hours ago." Alison gave her a strange look, "My dad found out I was too depressed this year-well, technically last year, so we did it together today."

"That's sweet," Alison loved how great Emily's relationship was with her father. She sent a quick text to her mom telling her she would be late and looked back at the swimmer.

"I usually take 'em down by the end of the month. This girl who used to be on the swim team with me used to leave hers up until like June." _Dumb ass Harvey. If you're already halfway back to Christmas, you might as well just leave everything up._

Wayne heard the door open, "Pam?" he called out.

"It's me, Dad," Emily called back, "Ali's with me."

Wayne immediately stopped chopping cucumbers and hid the large knife under the cutting board when he heard Emily's voice. He quickly rinsed his hands in the sink and grabbed a dish towel to dry off, "It's nice to finally meet you, Al."

Alison smiled at Wayne's nickname for her. She could remember Kenneth calling her that a couple times when she was in preschool, but it was more of him trailing off and not caring enough to say her whole name. Coming from Wayne, it sounded like actual fatherly endearment. "Likewise, Colonel," she replied, giving the man a firm handshake. He had told her to call him _Wayne_ on the phone, but it felt weird calling either of Emily's parents by their first names so she just stuck to _Colonel_ and avoided calling Pam anything if she could.

Emily started to pull Alison up the stairs, "We'll be in my room."

Wayne went back into the kitchen to finish chopping vegetables for his Israeli salad, "Alright. Your mother got called into the station. She'll be back in a couple hours to help me with dinner."

"Okay," Emily called down, shutting her door. She took off her sweater and padded over to the blonde staring out the window with her head leaning on the molding and a knee propped up on the window seat. She came up behind Alison and removed the jacket from the blonde, gently sliding the girl's arms out of the sleeves and placing it on one of the hooks mounted to the closet door.

"Em," Alison turned to Emily and brought her arms around the brunette's neck, lightly brushing the mermaid tattoo with the tips of her fingers, "What is this?"

Emily's hands instinctively moved to the blonde's hips, "My tattoo?"

"No, _this,_ " Alison ducked her head, nodding to the non-existent space between their bodies, " _Us._ "

"I didn't think you wanted to label this," Emily ran her fingers under the back of Alison's blouse, skimming along the smooth, creamy skin.

"I'm not sure if I do," Alison said honestly, fear lurking behind her words.

"What are you so afraid will happen if we do?" she asked earnestly.

Alison didn't answer and just looked Emily directly in the eyes. _I have something real to lose if we label it._ She was far from perfect and she was bound to screw up at some point. One day Emily would realize that she was just a burden and she couldn't watch the brunette walk away from her. She just couldn't.

Emily peered into those blue orbs she could read so well, "You're not gonna lose me."

Alison's lip quivered as she struggled to resist the tears that threatened to escape out of love for the only person who had ever understood her.

"I've already seen the worst of you, Ali. I still haven't seen the best of you and I need to stick around to choose both."

Alison leaned in for a sweet kiss. "Does this make me your girlfriend?" she whispered, the imminent loss of consciousness evident in her sleepy voice.

"Well, I don't know. _This_ girlfriend looks like she's about to fall asleep on me," Emily teased lightly.

Alison let out a breathy chuckle and rested their heads together.

"Why don't you lie down for a while?"

Alison wanted to say _no_ because Emily didn't invite her here so she could sleep, but couldn't fight her body any longer and found herself nodding.

Emily guided a drooping Alison over to the bed and the blonde promptly collapsed onto the mattress when she pulled the covers back. It was a little chilly in the house so Emily pulled out an extra comforter from her closet and draped it over Alison. She walked around to the other side of the bed and lounged on top of the covers. When Alison felt the bed dip, she subconsciously turned and nuzzled her head into Emily's side, hugging the swimmer's toned abdomen.

Emily wrapped a secure arm around Alison's back and lay there in comfortable silence as the blonde fell asleep. She thought about how content she was just doing _this_. When she dated Maya and Paige, it always felt like they had to be doing something. They went to the movies, they went skating, they went to dinner and they even sang in a sketchy bar once. It was easy to find someone to do _something_ with, but it was much harder to find someone to do _nothing_ with. She enjoyed doing all those things with Maya and Paige, but she would choose doing _nothing_ every time if it meant she got to spend time with Alison.


	9. Against Reason

AN: I was so happy to see that people are actually enjoying learning about mental illnesses. This story is really about exploring what Emison would be if they had brain disorders. Unfortunately the system is extremely flawed and you'll see that as Day Treatment eventually takes its toll on them and changes them in ways you may not expect.

I decided to integrate part of the Dickens quote in a non-literary way since these girls have trouble reading with their ADHD. That's why it was planted through one of Aria's visits (Who will be back soon, along with Hanna, Spencer and Mona). Leave me a review! I always love getting your feedback!

* * *

"Girls, dinner!" Pam called up from the bottom of the stairs and went back to setting the table.

Emily groaned at her mother's yelling and found her arm wrapped around Alison. She must have been more tired than she thought and fallen asleep for a while. The lights were off and the sun had set, but she didn't feel the cold shiver snaking through her spine that she normally felt when she found herself enshrouded in darkness.

Moving out of the bed was forbidden at the moment under the rule of Alison's unmoving hold on Emily's arm. The house had warmed up and the covers had moved down to the foot of the bed as the couple shifted in their sleep. Emily moved the hem of the blonde's top further up, lightly scratching above her navel and trailing her fingers over Alison's faint abs. She had definitely been in good shape before this bout of depression. She propped herself up on her elbow and kissed just below Alison's jaw, gently coaxing the blonde out of her much needed nap.

"What, baby?" Alison murmured sleepily, turning her head to look up at the brunette.

Emily quirked an amused eyebrow at the pet name, "My mom said dinner is ready."

"How long was I asleep for?"

"A couple hours. I fell asleep too," Emily replied, propping her head up on the side of the blonde's shoulder.

Alison opened her eyes fully and smiled at the dopey grin on Emily's face.

"What?" the brunette furrowed her brow.

Alison shook her head slightly, "You're adorable."

This felt strangely domestic for the blonde. It's not like this was the first time she had woken up in Emily's arms, but they weren't in the hospital anymore. The sound of patients crying themselves to sleep didn't prevent them from getting true rest. They were in a comfortable bed that was actually built for two people. They weren't staying as close as possible to each other because they had to, otherwise one of them would fall off—now they chose to. They were surrounded by the warmth of the Fields' home and each other. _This is what home feels like._

She sat up on the bed and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes, "Okay," she yawned.

Pam smiled at the girls descending the stairs hand in hand, "Sleep well?" she asked, even though she knew the answer.

"Yeah," Emily answered for them.

"I figured Alison must have had a long day." Pam did care about Alison's well being, more so since finding out about Kenneth, and had teased Emily about looking like she was sleeping better with Alison, but was taken back when she actually saw them in bed together and thought about separating them. It was realizing that Emily was sleeping with the lights off that ultimately impeded any and all desire to disturb them. Teenagers found a way to do what they wanted no matter the measures their parents took to stop them and she supposed that separating them wouldn't do either of them any good.

"So, Al," Wayne started, a few minutes into the meal, "How was Day Treatment?"

"Umm…" Alison chuckled nervously, "It was okay." She felt like she needed to sugarcoat this a little. The brunette was probably just as anxious to start Day Treatment as Alison had been and answering that question by crying earlier probably hadn't helped.

"I can't imagine it being fun, but there must be something you liked."

"Umm…" Alison hesitated.

"Dad," Emily warned.

Alison didn't know how to sugarcoat this one.

Wayne held his hands up in resignation, still holding his fork and knife, "I'm just curious about what the program is like. I mean, there's always a diamond in the rough, right?" he said, trying to lighten the mood again.

"Not always."

Alison saw something change in Emily's eyes.

"I'm just making conversation."

"Well she was there all day, I'm sure she's thought about it enough!"

Alison recognized this specific tone—angry, but distant, with a hint of fear. She followed Emily's line of vision and noticed that the brunette wasn't looking into her father's eyes.

"Emily, please," Pam pleaded.

"It was just a question, Emmy," Wayne said calmly.

Emily's hands balled into fists and she pressed firmly into the table.

"Colonel," Alison interrupted.

Wayne looked at the blonde.

"The knife," she nodded slightly to the utensil.

Wayne looked at the steak knife in his hand and dropped it, realizing he had been carelessly waving it around as he animatedly spoke with his hands. He hadn't been home in the months following Nate and he was still figuring out how to be cautious of Emily's triggers. "Emmy, I didn't realize I was…" He didn't know what he was supposed to say in this kind of situation.

Pam uneasily watched on as her agitated daughter calmed slightly.

"Mermaid," Alison said softly, placing a calming hand gingerly over Emily's trembling one and the other securely around the sharp blade, "Put it down, baby."

Emily looked at Alison and then down at her fist clenched around the knife she didn't realize she had picked up. She let go of the handle like it burned and loosened her other hand, letting her fork clatter against the table.

The brunette kept her eyes on the handle, still suspended in the air, as the blonde carefully lowered it to the table by the blade. Emily silently got up from the table, put her boots on and walked out the front door, keeping her head down the whole time.

Alison stayed in her seat, not wanting to follow immediately so that Emily could have a moment to herself. She turned to Wayne, "She told me that she's fine to use knives, but it makes her nervous when they're waved around. We didn't really have to worry about that trigger in the hospital since everything was plastic."

"I never meant to…I don't want her to be scared of me."

Pam reached for Wayne's hand and gave him a sympathetic look.

"She's not scared of you," Alison shook her head, she didn't want the man to blame himself, "You just brought her back to a memory she's still trying to forget. I don't think she ever will though."

"I'm still learning," Wayne admitted.

"I know," Alison acknowledged, "So am I."

Wayne nodded and Alison got up from the table to check on Emily. Some of his army buddies had come back with PTSD, but he didn't quite know the extent of Emily's yet.

"That was brave," Wayne said, causing Alison to turn back around. He motioned to Emily's empty place setting, "holding the knife like that."

Alison ran her fingers along the edge of Emily's placemat and smiled lightly to herself, "I knew she wouldn't hurt me."

###

Emily sat on the edge of the porch, leaning her head against the warm Christmas lights that wrapped around the railing post and illuminated their front yard. She heard the front door swing open and identified the person as Alison from the sound of her wedge boots hitting the wooden decking. "I'm sorry," she said nervously looking down and ducking her head, embarrassed at her sudden outburst.

Alison sat next to Emily and draped the throw from the couch around their shoulders.

"I can't believe I yelled at him like that."

"It's okay, Em," Alison soothed, interlacing their fingers. "Our parents still have a lot to learn. We do too."

"They probably thought I was going to stab them or something."

"Emily," Alison sighed sympathetically, squeezing the brunette's hand.

The front door opened behind them and Pam walked out of the house with Wayne following close behind.

Emily wasn't ready to talk to either of them so she leaned into Alison and hid half of her face in the blonde's neck.

"I'm taking your father for a drive. Are you girls okay here for a while?"

"We're fine here," Alison said politely.

Pam smiled at the two, "The leftovers are in the fridge if either of you get hungry later."

"Thank you, Pam."

Wayne wearily eyed the half hidden face of his little girl. It broke his heart to know that Emily still carried such grief with her and he didn't want her closing herself off from him.

Alison watched the older couple get into the car and drive off.

Emily kept her head on the blonde's shoulder well after her parents' tail lights disappeared and she proceeded to get lost in her thoughts. _Now he knows I'm dangerous. Now he can see me. It doesn't matter if you don't want to hurt the people you love. You will. She's not safe with you._ "Why haven't you run from me yet?" Emily asked, more to herself, but loud enough for Alison to hear.

"Because I feel safe with you."

"You had to take a knife out of my hand, Ali…I didn't even remember picking it up."

"No one is expecting you to heal overnight. It's gonna take time."

Emily let out a grim chuckle, "We both know this is a gamble." All she wanted was to be with Alison, but the inherently selfless part of her wanted better for the blonde.

"Em," Alison tilted Emily's chin up, forcing the brunette's brown eyes to meet hers, "This is not a gamble. This is trust."

Emily tried to shake her head as the tears threatened to fall, but the hand that moved to cup her jaw held her in place. "You really wanna run the risk of being with me? Don't make that choice." _Don't do that to yourself._

"Hey," Alison spoke in a hushed tone, clearly and fervently, "I love you and I trust you…"

The brunette swallowed thickly.

"There is no choice to make," the blonde said honestly, wiping away a tear before it had a chance to roll down the girl's tan cheek.

"How can you say that?" Emily forced out in a strained voice, fighting through the burning in her throat.

"You know that song 'I Was Made For Loving You' by Tori Kelly?" Alison asked hesitantly.

Emily's lips parted slightly and she nodded slowly. Never had she seen such vulnerability radiating off of someone the same way the warmth in Alison's loving gaze did.

"If I know anything, it's that," Alison proclaimed. "Us being together may not make sense, but it doesn't need to. Depression works against reason…"

"Ali…"

"It's only right for me to love you the same way." _I_ can't _love you any other way._

Emily's eyes sparkled under the glow of the tiny tungsten lights. No one had ever put themselves out there for her like this. She surged forward, capturing Alison's lips with an eagerness and lust that took both of them by surprise. Every part of her was consumed by the love in Alison's eyes and the desire that churned in her stomach every time she looked at the blonde.

Alison was caught off guard by the force of the brunette crashing into her, but Emily quickly brought her arm around and caught her. She could feel Emily pouring everything she had into this kiss—from the strong, secure hand on the small of her back that gave her an unfamiliar feeling of safety, to the way the brunette's yearning lips moved with hers, sending heat rushing to her core. The throw blanket fell from around their shoulders and the brisk air finally hit Alison in the midst of their dazed chaos, "Upstairs," the blonde panted between kisses.

Emily nodded as her warm breath swept over Alison's face. The blonde's words had created a necessary lull, giving Emily a moment to pull herself and Alison up and into the house. They kicked their boots off and, taking Alison's hand, Emily started up the stairs leading the blonde up to her room.

Alison watched Emily click the lock on her door and pulled her towards the bed, bringing the brunette to sit on the edge of the mattress, standing between her legs. She looked down to see Emily moving her hands to rest on her hips, but the touch still felt hesitant. Emily was still scared of the relationship she thought she was _dragging_ Alison into. The blonde brought her hand around to the back of Emily's neck and pressed their lips together, "I'm not going to run, Em," she whispered.

Emily squeezed Alison's hip as she remembered their moment in the hospital and Alison could tell that her reassurances were finally getting to Emily. "You meant it," she thought out loud, "When I first told you about Nate, you—"

"I meant every word," Alison said, stroking the corner of the brunette's jaw and she nearly gasped at the hunger that flashed through Emily's eyes. Allowing herself to be pulled closer, straddling Emily, she rolled her hips and ground down, earning her a deep moan from the brunette. The sound of Emily's moan caused Alison's blue eyes to darken and arousal to pool in her panties. She wondered if the brunette could feel how wet she was through the fabric of her jeans.

The blonde moved her lips to Emily's neck and began sucking on her pulse point. Now that they didn't have to worry about inpatient contact rules, Alison was going to thoroughly enjoy marking the brunette's perfect olive skin.

Emily leaned into Alison's ear, "Up," she whispered, pulling the top over Alison's head as she complied and lifted her arms. She removed her own top and gripped the back of Alison's thighs. As she rose up from the bed, taking Alison with her, she felt the blonde's arms and legs wrap tightly around her neck and waist. She turned them around so that they switched places and carefully watched heated blue eyes fall to the button on her pants. Emily took the not so subtle hint and unbuttoned her jeans as Alison worked the zipper down. She pushed the jeans and panties down her chiseled tan legs and stepped out of them, kicking the garments to the side.

Alison's breath hitched slightly at the sight of Emily in just her bra and moved further up on the bed, the brunette unaware that she made an equal movement for every movement Alison made.

Emily hovered over Alison's body, tugging at the button on her jeans and unzipping them in one swift motion. She hooked her fingers in the waistband and smoothly pulled Alison's jeans off as the blonde assisted by lifting her hips off the mattress. As she crawled back up Alison's glorious curves, her eyes passed over a more severe scar that was shorter and thicker than the others and she decided to ask about it later.

Alison watched the brunette's appreciative gaze roam over her body and she froze slightly when those brown eyes landed on her scars and looked back up at her. She didn't let anyone see her scars, but when she was with Emily she forgot they were even there. Did that mean they were _healing?_

Emily saw the blonde staring at her unblemished tan legs and pressed her lips to Alison's while reaching around and unclasping the blonde's bra before her own, "You're so beautiful," she said softly. She had seen glimpses of the scarring in their dark hospital room, but now, under the light that shone in from the tree outside her window, she could see each and every overlapping laceration the blonde had inflicted upon herself. Alison was letting Emily see all of her and Emily felt like the luckiest person in the world. Alison let out a muffled moan into Emily's mouth as the brunette pressed her thigh into her center and now she was sure Emily could feel how wet she was as she rubbed against her throbbing clit through her soaked panties.

The blonde rocked her hips slowly, desperate for more. Emily brought her lips down to the perky breasts, swirling her tongue around one of Alison's nipples. She lapped, nipped, and sipped at the supple aching flesh, alternating between the hardening buds, keeping Alison writhing beneath her as she continued to press into her with her leg.

"Em, please," Alison begged, needing the brunette further down.

Emily moved down slightly, hooking her fingers through the side of Alison's panties, pulling the fabric down and off the blonde. She pressed her lips to the patch of scars from cutting, then to the single one on the blonde's inner right thigh, causing Alison to smile. She ran a finger through the blonde's wet folds and plunged her tongue into her center.

"Em," Alison whimpered, burying her hands into Emily's hair.

The brunette plunged in and out of the blonde and sped up the thumb circling her clit. The blonde's legs began to tighten around her and the brunette relentlessly devoured Alison, pushing her tongue deeper into the moaning girl's depths. Emily felt Alison digging into her scalp and steadied her trembling legs, Alison's hips lurching off the mattress as she came in Emily's mouth. She licked the arousal that dripped down the sensitive flesh and smiled when she heard the girl's heavy breathing.

" _God_ ," Alison panted, her chest heaving as she tried to steady her heart rate and catch her breath.

But Emily wasn't done yet. She brought her attention back to the glistening slit and trailed the tip of her tongue through Alison's slick folds before wrapping her lips around her clit and sucking.

"Em, I need— _Fuck!_ " She hissed, cutting herself off when she felt Emily dip a finger inside her.

Emily got Alison's unfinished plea and moved back up the blonde's body, leaving a trail of wet kisses along the way. She met Alison's lips in a long, deep kiss. She pumped faster in and out of the blonde, driving Alison wild with each thrust as she bullied her clit with her thumb and added a second finger.

" _Shit!_ " Alison cursed as she felt Emily slip a third in, her versed fingers filling her dripping core. Tasting herself on Emily's lips sent waves of pleasure rolling through her body, pushing her closer and closer to the edge. Emily continued to flick over her clit, teasing and tantalizing the swollen nub. She rocked her hips to create more friction as the brunette's skilled fingers curled inside her, never failing to hit that spot that made her knees weak and her vision hazy.

"Come for me, baby," she murmured against the blonde's neck. Emily pushed deeper into Alison and Alison held Emily tighter, crying out in pleasure as she was brought to her second orgasm. The brunette slowed her fingers to help the blonde ride out her high. She lay herself down next to Alison, bringing her into her chest. "So beautiful," Emily whispered as the blonde settled over her.

Alison lost herself in the feeling of their bare breasts pressed together—the way her stomach was in knots whenever either of them shifted and their hardened nipples grazed over the other's smooth skin. She always hid the wounds left on her thighs, but didn't feel the need to, not when the way Emily worshipped her body touched her in ways she couldn't even begin to understand. _How is this happening?_

"You deserve to be loved, Ali," she said softly, reading into Alison's thoughts.

"So do you," Alison countered.

Emily caught the double meaning, "Not tonight," she said, pulling the covers over them and pressing a soft kiss to Alison's lips. The night may have started with her, but the blonde had quite literally shown her scars and the brunette wanted the night to end with Alison. She knew that the blonde felt bad for being so tired, but after what Emily just put her through, the little bit of energy she might've gotten from her nap was completely gone and the poor girl was probably running on fumes.

"I love you, Em," she murmured against the brunette's toned body.

"Against reason?" Emily poked.

Alison let out a breathy chuckle and nodded against the brunette's bare chest, eased into deep sleep by the soothing sound of Emily's heart beating steadily and the feeling of her fingers gently tracing patterns into her back.

"I love you too," she whispered, leaning her head down slightly to kiss the blonde's temple, "Against reason."

###

Emily slowly awoke to Alison's captivating blue eyes tenderly looking down at her, "What time is it?" she yawned.

"5:30."

She could see the Rosewood sun just peeking out from the horizon, not ready to rise just yet. "You're okay?" Emily asked.

"I'm okay," Alison smiled and nodded. She knew Emily was asking if she was okay with what they had done last night and pressed her lips to Emily's in a long, heated kiss.

Emily felt Alison's nipples harden against her and she remembered seeing every inch of the blonde's body writhing in pleasure at her touch. "You're so beautiful," she repeated her words from hours before, draping the balled-up top sheet back over them.

"You keep saying that," Alison commented, blushing slightly.

"Because it's true," Emily stressed and contemplated her next question. "How did you get that scar?" she asked.

Alison instantly knew which one she was talking about and sighed, hugging the brunette's torso. "I was stabbed when I was 14."

"Was it a random thing?"

"Not exactly."

Emily tensed. She didn't like where this was going. "What do you mean _not exactly_? Where did it happen? Did you know the person who did it?"

"It happened in the house."

Okay, she _really_ didn't like where this was going. "Did you know the person who did it?" she repeated her last question.

The blonde didn't respond and she knew her silence wouldn't sit well with Emily.

"Ali," Emily called hesitantly it pained her to ask, "Was…was it Kenneth?" Now she regretted asking, because Alison was definitely about to tell her.

Alison swallowed thickly, "Yes," she admitted. She was more nervous about how angry Emily would get than having to talk about it.

Emily's blood boiled, but she didn't want to upset the blonde settled over her so she tried to keep still. "Does your mom know?"

"No."

"Jason?"

"No. He had just left for college."

"Why didn't you ever tell them?"

"Kenneth said I was a waste and that I brought it on myself and I believed him. I was already depressed and it's not like I was thinking anything different."

Emily was taken back at how collected Alison was talking about this. She hadn't broken eye contact once and she was just shrugging as if being stabbed didn't affect her.

The blonde had replayed it in her head with Kenneth's twisted words echoing in such a way that thinking about it didn't upset her anymore. "He convinced me that I was just learning a lesson." The brunette looked at her with sad eyes, "And when he left a few months ago, I was just relieved that he was finally gone."

"You still don't know if you want to sue him? Press charges?" Emily hoped she never met Kenneth because she wasn't sure she would be able to refrain from causing him bodily harm. Not only did the bastard walk out on his daughter and his wife, he _stabbed_ Alison and basically brainwashed her into thinking it was justified.

Alison shook her head and shrugged. "I don't know. Getting my mom to legally go through with the divorce is one thing, but pressing charges for aggravated assault and battery is another. This is a small town, it would be a nightmare if my face was plastered everywhere." Alison turned her head and rested between Emily's breasts. "Can we talk about something else?"

The brunette mistook Alison's change in position for retreating, "Don't hide from me."

"I'm not hiding, I just like listening to you," she explained.

Emily's stomach growled loudly, "Yeah, it's like listening to the soothing sounds of the amazon."

###

After the girls had the leftovers for breakfast—Emily eating while Alison watched—they made their way out to Alison's car, managing to get out of the house just before Pam and Wayne woke up.

"I'll drive," Emily said, holding her hand out for the keys.

"Do I still look like I'm about to pass out?" Alison joked.

"No," Emily placed a quick peck to the blonde's lips in reassurance, "But that's not the only reason I stopped you from driving yesterday."

Alison furrowed her brow.

"It's not safe for you to drive. Kids with ADHD are 30% behind their age in executive functions when they're not properly medicated. That means when we're not on our meds, we have the self control and ability to focus of someone 30% younger than us."

"Well that explains a lot of my life," Alison remarked.

"30% less than us, that's a 12 year old behind the wheel of a car. We could literally kill people."

"But, doesn't the Concerta fill that gap?"

"It does, but you haven't taken yours yet and they're still working you up to your full dose." Emily took a deep breath for the next part, "It also means we can't be driving past the time the meds wear off. We can't drive at night."

Alison let the words sink in and realized that ADHD took away part of her freedom. She thought about college. If she forgot her meds one day, she'd basically be a 12 year old girl sitting in a college class and that terrified her. Every time she and Emily had a date night, their plans would either have to accommodate not driving or they'd have to take their meds in the evening which would keep them up for 12 hours and botch their sleeping schedules. She was starting to see that there might not be a single aspect of her life that would go unaffected by this disorder. It was a little upsetting, but in a way, it felt really good because at least now she knew about it.


	10. You Can't Save Me

AN: Thank you to everyone reading this story! As always, I love getting your feedback, so feel free to drop a review! The story is only going to get more emotionally complex after this.

* * *

"Alison?" Jessica called from the kitchen, "Is that you?"

"Yeah, Mom."

Jessica walked out from the kitchen and crossed her arms, startling Alison in the living room when she caught her glare _._

Alison knew she had done something wrong, she just couldn't figure out what. She looked into her mother's eyes and shuddered. She hated that glare. Jessica was the sweetest woman, but when she had to be protective, or just needed to do some scolding, the glare came out and said, _I'll bury you alive if I have to._ Alison remembered getting that glare more when she was younger for saying something mean to a kid or not stopping an activity immediately after being instructed to. When she got older she started to get in trouble for looking at her phone during class—partially in distraction, but mostly to feign apathy and hide her inability to read out loud at her grade level's fluency.

"Mom, I'm sorry, I—"

"Why do you even have a phone?" Jessica implored, "You didn't answer a single call or text."

 _Well I was kinda busy._ "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry? You sent a text saying you'd be late and _never came home._ "

" _I am sorry,_ I just don't know what else I'm supposed to say. It's not like I can go back and change—"

"Ali?" Emily called from the foyer, making her way into the living room, "You know you have homework in your car from like 3 years ago?" She entered the threshold and frowned at the blonde's crossed arms and furrowed brow, stepping in front of Alison and resting a concerned hand on the blonde's waist, "You okay?"

Alison's muscles relaxed slightly at the soft touch and she glanced over Emily's shoulder to see her mother's glare vanish as the realization of where she had been reached her eyes.

Jessica couldn't stay mad knowing that Alison was perfectly safe with Emily. She had never seen anyone look at her daughter with so much love in their eyes and knew the brunette wouldn't let anything happen to Alison. Emily hadn't even noticed that she was in the room, having fixated on Alison's agitation before anything else.

Emily flexed her fingers over Alison's hip, "Ali," she repeated.

Alison sighed, "I texted my mom that I would be late when we got back from Day Treatment and I kinda never came home."

Emily turned to see Jessica with a glint in her eyes that felt familiar, but she couldn't quite identify it. "Oh, hi," she nervously scratched the back of her neck. "Sorry I didn't bring her back here, but Ali had had a hard day yesterday and it's not safe for us to drive at night when our meds have worn off."

Alison thought back to what Dr. Alcerra had told her about the Remeron sometimes being prescribed solely as a sleep aid. If she ever planned on driving at night, that would mean taking the Concerta an hour or two before hand, keeping her up for 12 hours, _and_ skipping the Remeron so as to avoid being drowsy behind the wheel.

"It's alright, dear," Jessica assured sweetly, "You must have just been… _preoccupied_ ," she quirked a teasing eyebrow at Alison whose eyes widened at her intimation.

"Umm, yeah," Emily turned bright red and turned back to Alison. "You should go get changed and take your meds." Alison nodded and walked up the stairs to her bedroom, leaving Emily alone with Jessica for the first time. They had seen each other those first few seconds of Jessica's first visit and on Alison's discharge day, but they hadn't actually met yet and the morning after her and Alison's first time together wasn't exactly how she had pictured it.

"It's so nice to meet you, Emily," Jessica smiled warmly, "Alison has told me so much about you, not that I gave her a choice."

Emily laughed nervously and shook Jessica's hand, "It's nice to meet you too, Ms. DiLaurentis."

"Oh, you don't have to be so formal." Jessica turned her head slightly at the sound of Alison's glass clinking against the counter and sighed, "That girl needs to learn to pay attention. I used to send her out to get things from the store and then when she finally came back hours later she'd say she was at Aria's house and she wouldn't have anything from the store with her."

Emily felt like she should say something. Jessica didn't seem like she was aware of the weight of her statements about Alison's behavior. Alison needed a stronger support system at home if she was ever going to recover. "Ms. D?"

"Yes, dear."

"Have you learned anything about mental illness?" she asked tentatively.

"I learned a little about depression when Alison was diagnosed."

"That's not enough," Emily blurted and sheepishly looked away for a brief moment to collect herself. "Sorry. I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but…" she looked at Jessica who motioned to continue, "I think Ali feels like you don't really understand what she's going through and I think it hurts her." Jessica gave her a pained look. "It hurts when the people you love get mad at you for things you don't have control over."

Jessica looked like her soul had just been crushed by the guilt she carried for everything Alison had been through.

"You may never fully understand the pain she feels or the memories from the hospital that she'll carry around with her," Emily said seriously, "but I know that you love her and you _owe it to her_ to try."

By now, Jessica's eyes had started to well as she took in what Emily was saying and it broke her heart to know that she hadn't been what Alison needed.

Alison had finished dressing and sat half way down the stairs, silently listening to them talking.

"And with all due respect, you don't really have a choice of whether to learn about mental illness if you want to be in her life." Emily would normally never be this bold, particularly with a parent, but she was willing to throw Shy Emily, who she sometimes still retreated into, out the window if Alison needed help.

Jessica, like many other parents in her position, had no idea how to care for a child with a mental disorder because she was missing part of the job description. "I've been a terrible mother," she choked out, covering her mouth.

Knowing that her mom was blaming herself made Alison feel terrible for being a _problem child_. While she was spending time hating herself, her mother was doing the same thing, self-blaming for things neither of them could control. What made it worse is that, on several occasions, Alison had flat out told Jessica that it was her fault she was going through this. She never meant it, but when depression, anger and impulsivity mixed together, she couldn't always control what came out of her mouth and unfortunately, it usually resulted in her saying the most false and hurtful utterances her brain could produce in the midst of a conniption.

Emily shook her head, "Doing the same job as other parents was never going to work because Ali was never like other kids. She never will be. I'm sure you've been a great parent and you've probably done all you can for her as her mother," she waited for Jessica to look her in the eyes again, "But now you need to be her advocate. The sooner you understand how and why her brain is wired the way it is, how and why the depression and ADHD affect her, the sooner you can understand the _absolutely amazing_ girl up there."

Alison's eyes watered at the devoted passion laced in every word that left Emily's mouth. _How did I get so fucking lucky?_

Jessica put a hand on the brunette's shoulder and pulled her into a hug, "Thank you, Emily."

"Oh, uh," Emily uttered awkwardly, surprised by the sudden embrace, "You're welcome?"

"I couldn't think of a better person to love her than you," Jessica croaked.

Emily smiled and Jessica slowly let her out of her arms as she sniffled and wiped her eyes, "Do you girls want anything to eat?"

"No, thank you. I had my mom's leftover's earlier and Ali probably won't eat anything."

"I'll go get her the Concerta and some water," Jessica said, walking off to the kitchen.

Alison waited until her mother's footsteps sounded faint and walked down the rest of the stairs as quietly as she could in her ankle boots. Emily turned around just as she reached the bottom quarter landing and smiled warmly, "You heard all that, didn't you?"

Alison nodded and walked into Emily's arms, placing a kiss to the brunette's lips and slipping her arms around her waist, "You didn't have to talk to her."

"I wanted to," Emily draped her arms around Alison, "You deserve to have people in your corner, Ali." Alison slid her hands up, cupping the back of Emily's shoulders and pressing her ear to Emily's chest.

"I don't deserve you."

"Even if that were true, you'd still have me."

Alison chuckled, "I don't know if you should bank on me that much."

"Not a gamble," Emily met Alison's eyes, " _trust._ " Alison grinned at hearing her own reassurance from the previous night being repeated back to her.

"That was pretty gutsy—saying all that to my mom the first time you've ever met her."

"She needed to hear it," Emily said earnestly. "And _I think_ you did too."

###

Alison clasped her hand with Emily's and let out a heavy breath as they stepped out of the elevator, bracing herself for another day of all the adversity Bellevue had to offer.

"Are you gonna be okay?"

Alison didn't know how to answer that so she just went with the first thing that came to mind, "Eventually?"

Emily gave her an amused look. That really was the perfect answer for everything.

Alison guided them into the day room to sign in and Emily stopped when she saw familiar brown hair, smiling when she saw them moving their pen across the sign-in sheet with purpose and poise in small, concise strokes. "Spencer?"

The brunette finished signing in and turned toward the couple, "Em!" she tossed the pen onto the the small table and crashed into them in a hug.

"What are you doing here?" Emily asked. "I thought you and Hanna didn't get out until tomorrow."

"My mom called and yelled at them and had them push the paperwork through for my discharge. Hanna's still getting out tomorrow."

Alison noticed the slight somberness in Spencer's tone, "Are you worried about her still being in there?"

"No, actually it was the other way around. She still has Mona in there, but I was just thinking about her worrying about me if I was the one still in there," Spencer said, wistfully. "People never expect me to be the weakest link, but I am."

"You're not weak, Spence."

"I know I'm not, Em, but if you bend me and Hanna, I'm the one who will break."

"I don't understand," Emily said confusedly.

Alison took Emily's hand again and looked at Spencer, "It's not always a good thing to have that much information running through your head all the time," she clarified.

Spencer nodded.

Now Emily got it. Sometimes the days and times of the groups in 21 West would change and Hanna would just respond with an "okay" or "whatever." Spencer, on the other hand, would go out of her way to talk to Nurse Peggy or other med students asking if there was a particular reason for the shift in schedules, going as far as to ask if people were fired from leading groups. Being Spencer's kind of high strung made her the easiest to snap, but Hanna was the kind of person who could roll with the punches. As a Hastings, Spencer was inherently book-smart, but in a way, Hanna was smarter; enough to know when not to ask questions.

###

Spencer and Emily sat in the atrium with their backs against the wall, Alison sound asleep under Emily's arm. The blonde had been awake enough in the car and in the day room to brief the two brunettes on what to expect—mostly on avoiding the therapist—but quickly realized that she was still catching up on missed sleep from the hospital when she slumped against the swimmer at one of the picnic tables and immediately dozed off.

"So we're getting P.E. credit for sitting in here every morning?" Spencer asked, keeping her eyes closed with her back resting against the cool brick. She didn't mind the light that shone in from the glazed skylights, but the windowed portion of the wall made it feel like they were animals on display in a glorified cage.

"Guess so," the swimmer exhaled, alternating between lightly scratching and stroking the blonde's side.

Emily hated that they called this gym. While she imagined she would enjoy cuddling with Alison every morning, she missed playing dodgeball and volleyball at Rosewood High in their _real_ gymnasium. She missed going into the natatorium after school for swim practice and convincing the coach to let her stay late and lock up when she didn't want to leave the water. But here she was, getting physical education credit for doing absolutely nothing.

Alison's senses didn't have to be on high alert when she was with Emily because they were only ever like that when she felt threatened or nervous. Secure in Emily's hold, she hadn't even woken up when a kid named Daquon started singing old R&B songs at the top of his lungs.

"You like my voice?" he yelled to Emily from the other side of the atrium. Emily didn't respond, trying to let Alison get as much rest as possible. He approached their table and Emily felt Alison shift. "My voice is sexy right?" The brunette rolled her eyes and looked the other way.

"What ever helps you sleep at night," Emily said dryly.

Alison woke up and kept her head at an angle so neither of them could see that her eyes were open. Daquon was the kind of person who didn't know how to take no for an answer and Alison had a feeling she would have to intervene. They were both fiercely protective, but Emily tried to see the best in everyone and probably wouldn't push him away with enough force and aggression.

"I know, I have a good voice."

Emily groaned to herself, "Please just go back over there."

Spencer scoffed. She hated guys like this.

"Come on, girl, you know you like this," he reached for Emily's arm.

Alison reached over and grabbed his wrist before he could lay a finger on the brunette. Spencer and Emily's heads snapped to the blonde's hand clamped down on the source of the miff.

"Woah, come on, we're just having some fun," he didn't expect Alison to be so strong.

" _Really?_ Because that seemed overbearing and she's not smiling," the blonde retorted.

"I was just being friendly," Daquon tried to pull away, but the blonde's grip was unmoving.

"No, _that_ was flirting," Alison shot back, "and you will not be doing that with my girlfriend."

Spencer smirked. _There's the label._

"What's the big deal? So I—"

Alison dug a single nail into the head of the ulna bone at the base of his wrist, "So she said _no_ ," her tone dark and ill-boding, "So why don't you go back over there and sing to the wall?"

"Girl, it's not like—"

Alison dug her nail in harder this time, breaking skin, causing him to wince in pain. _Why is he so insistent and stupid?_

"Ow, what the fuck, bitch?!"

"You wanna try that again?" she arched an eyebrow, daring him to challenge her. _Go ahead. Give them a reason to send me to C-PEP._ "You will not speak to her, you will not touch her and you will not flirt with her." He tried to tug his arm away again, but Alison wrenched it back toward her, "Understand?" He held up his other hand in surrender and she released her hold on his wrist.

Emily noticed a drop of his blood running down the side of his hand as he walked away. There was no doubt that Alison could handle herself when she needed to. "That was…forceful." A few months ago the sight of blood would have triggered a panic attack, but she was too distracted, and a little turned on, by Alison calling her her girlfriend and checking the audacious teenager with her menacing line of defense.

Spencer leaned back into the wall and shut her eyes. She admired the way Alison sprung into action to shut him down, her glare unwavering and tone looming, similar to the tone she had heard Jessica use on Nurse Peggy. Alison had been broken and scared the first time they met and although she was still broken, and parts of her always would be, Spencer enjoyed seeing this cutthroat version of the blonde.

"Sometimes people need a little help learning to take no for an answer," Alison settled back into the brunette's side, bringing Emily's arm back around her. "I wasn't gonna let him touch you."

A smirk tugged at the corners of Emily's lips, "Not before you?"

Spencer snickered and Alison pinched Emily's back.

"Ow!"

Alison pressed firmly to the swimmer's abs, "Not _ever_."

###

Alison stared blankly at the lengthy reading passage about Duke Ellington. She had been sitting in the music room for nearly an hour, stuck on the second paragraph, rereading the same passage over and over again, hopelessly trying to make the words on the page make sense. When she read, she would unknowingly substitute words on the page with words starting with the same letter, often skipping over important lines and phrases all together. The ADHD finally explained why she had so much trouble reading despite her clearly not being dyslexic. Teachers would tell her to slow down so she wouldn't miss important words, but that was almost worse since she would quickly forget what she was reading about. Her Concerta dose still wasn't high enough and she was left to struggle through text that was supposed to be for 7th graders. Alison would have felt embarrassed for her reading level lagging so far behind had Emily not been sitting here struggling with her, less on the passage and more on figuring out what the questions were asking.

Mr. Foster, just like the yoga group leaders in 21 West, seemed ignorant to what the patients were dealing with. He didn't understand why they weren't answering questions at a normal rate and he could not for the life of him figure out why they could not just _try harder._ When a patient mentioned something about the medication they were taking, the music teacher went as far as to say that medication was useless. Emily and Alison had shared a look at the ignorance and realized that he wasn't nearly qualified enough to work in this kind of school. He was the kind of person who thought music could heal all, the kind of person who didn't know anything about mental illness and barely passed the couple of psychology classes required to become a teacher.

"Alison…" The blonde glanced up from the paper and was greeted with Dr. Kavanaugh leaning against the doorway, sporting a smile that made her cringe. "It's time for your session." Alison looked to Emily with weary eyes.

The brunette smiled sympathetically. She didn't understand how Alison could dislike someone so much after just one day. Hopefully she wouldn't flip out like she had on Nurse Peggy. "I'll save you a seat for lunch, okay?" Alison let out a whine, inaudible from where the therapist stood. Emily brought her hand up, gently brushing the blonde's cheek with the back of her knuckles and the pad of her thumb, "It'll be fine." Alison hummed and leaned into Emily's touch, turning her head slightly to kiss the brunette's palm.

 _###_

Dr. Kavanaugh led Alison through an electronically locked door, directly across from the day room, revealing a maze of the staff offices. The therapist ushered Alison into the first office and motioned for her to sit in one of the chairs. Alison didn't like this one bit. This office was unbelievably small and she didn't like the thought of being trapped in a confined space with this woman for 45 minutes, every week, for the next 7 months.

Alison scanned the small space as she tentatively sat in the plastic chair, tucking her legs behind the metal framing. There was a filing cabinet next to the patient chair that she used as a side table for pens and paper and a random print of New York City she had probably bought off the street. Aside from that there wasn't much to look at. The windowed wall that faced the area of the hallway in front of the ward door and the day room was made with frosted glass, making its use for distraction and avoiding conversation a bust.

"So, Alison," the therapist started, "Tell me about yourself."

The blonde internally scoffed. _Bitch, I can see my file on your desk. Don't act like you haven't read it._ She hated when therapists asked questions that they clearly already knew the answers to. It felt like they were trying to catch her in a lie. _I know you're just asking to make me think you're friendly._

Alison may have struggled severely with reading books, but she always excelled at reading people. Jessica was often asked if Alison was autistic when she was younger because she showed so little emotion to the people she knew had a distaste for her and sometimes it came across to them as her not being able to recognize social cues, however, it was quite the opposite. Alison's ADHD never stopped her from being the most observant and perceptive person in the room. She knew that other kids' parents saw her as _the dumb one who might rub off on their kid_ and when she got those overly friendly "hellos" and smiles, she could see right through them. She would greet them in an impassive tone, sometimes offering a small wave, but never a smile. _Show me you're not full of shit and I'll respond accordingly,_ she wished she had had the language skills to say that to the stuck up parents from all those years ago.

Alison remembered that Dr. Kavanaugh was waiting for an answer and figured she would try to make this part of Day Treatment as easy as possible for herself. If lying and acting like she was happy would keep this woman off her back, then she would do just that—and Alison could lie like nobody's business.

"Why don't you start by telling me why you're here," the therapist said, crossing her legs in her swivel chair.

 _Okay, I know for a fact that that's in my file._ "Major clinical depression and ADHD."

"And do you think your meds are working for you?"

"Well, my mom just filled the Remeron prescription, so I wouldn't know about that one, and the Concerta is working, but the dose isn't high enough to help me read yet. Or maybe I just _think_ it's working and it's the placebo effect talking," Alison joked _._ If she joked around a little, maybe the therapist would think she was mentally healthy enough to be left alone.

"Woah, where did you learn _that_ word?"

 _Placebo?_ Alison internally scowled at Dr. Kavanaugh's tone. She sounded like she was impressed with a kindergartener for using a new word correctly. "I don't know. School? TV? Life?" _I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but how stupid does she think I am?_

The therapist nodded. "Tell me about your family."

"I have a mom, dad…not in the picture and my brother is a lawyer." Jason was a long way away from actually being licensed, but she liked giving people the impression that she could take legal action if need be.

"Do you have a good relationship with your mother and Jason?"

"Yes," Alison lied. She and her mother still had a lot to work on, but simplifying her answers and telling Dr. Kavanaugh what she wanted to hear would make these weekly meetings a lot easier. Alison wasn't against talking about her real issues, she was against talking about them with _this woman._

"Have you ever thought about killing yourself?"

"I'm not suicidal, I'm not homicidal, I don't hear things or see things and I don't talk to people that aren't there. And I don't think the TV talks to me," Alison recited her answers to the basic psych evaluation checklist. She had been through enough intake sessions to know the drill.

"Have you ever self-harmed?"

"Nope," Alison lied again, easily, throwing in a cheeky smile for good measure. If she answered that truthfully, she would be forced to talk about it in these sessions and she would not let anything of substance air to the psychologist. Every answer she gave was calculated, every conscious hesitation after a certain question left a trail of bait and drove future questions exactly where she wanted them to go. Alison's old manipulative ways could finally be put to good use.

"I'd like to talk about you and Emily."

The false grin on the blonde's face instantly fell into a hard line. "I'd rather not." Alison was well-versed in the art of deception and she would do whatever she could to keep Emily out of it.

"I feel that it's crucial for patients to examine how their significant other can affect their treatment."

 _Is she really trying to get me to use 'I Feel' messages?_

"And I feel that assessing your relationship in this particular setting can be very helpful."

"I disagree," Alison said, trying to sound as nice as possible, clenching her jaw. _Keep your shit together, Alison._

"Sometimes patients don't realize how hard treatment can be. Maybe I can help you understand the strain a relationship can have on long term success when a person becomes dependent—"

Alison's eyes flashed. "Do not presume to know me or anything about my relationship," the blonde warned. "Emily is my girlfriend. Moving on. Anything that happens between me and Emily is going _to stay_ between me and Emily. That's all I'm telling you and that's all I'm _ever_ going to tell you." Alison could take a pretty good guess that getting angry like this would end up biting her in the ass later, but right now she didn't care. She was not going to give the therapist a chance to analyze or distort her feelings for Emily. "What I have with her is not open to question."

"Alison, if your and Emily's relationship is a secret—"

The blonde's eyes narrowed dangerously, "It's _private_ ," she asserted.

"You two seem to be very openly affectionate towards each other."

"I don't think that warrants either one of us owing you an explanation," she said, tersely.

"As your therapist, I feel it's important to understand how your sexuality and connection with Emily has affected—"

"I am not discussing my relationship with Emily with you," every syllable emphatically pronounced, soaked in finality and frustration. Alison's lips contorted into a scathing smile, " _I feel_ like we're done here. Don't you?" She didn't know exactly how doctors here retaliated for bad behavior, but from what she'd seen of patients' treatment so far, defending herself and the integrity of her relationship with Emily would be misconstrued as a lot more than back-talk.

###

Emily and Spencer looked at each other and back to Alison who had been slumped back in her chair, staring off into space for most of lunch with her and Emily's hands clasped over her thigh. She turned the paper over with her free hand and erased the therapist's title so it just said "Kavanaugh." The blonde got up from the table, point sheet in hand and walked over to the small kitchen area where Ms. Robbie was putting the leftovers in the fridge.

Something had switched inside of her after her session with Kavanaugh. Her mind was all over the place. At first she didn't know if she was angry or depressed and it just made her mind even hazier when she figured out it was both and couldn't act on either emotion. _At least the Concerta's working a little. I usually would've thrown something by now._ "Ms. Robbie?"

"Yeah, sweetie?" her southern accent thick.

"May I go back to class?" _There's something I never thought I'd say._

"Of course," the nurse unclipped the pen from her I.D. and signed the point sheet.

Spencer and Emily shared another look of concern. Alison looked so tired and fed up with everything. "Did she sleep at all?" Spencer whispered.

"She did. She didn't wake up once last night after we—" Emily's brain caught up to her mouth and Spencer slowly turned her head in Emily's direction, eyes wide and a teasing smile threatening to spread across her face. "Never mind," she said, hastily shaking her head.

Spencer decided to leave the teasing for Hanna as a discharge present and turned back to Alison who was now trekking back to the school. "Being in here might damage her more than inpatient did." Alison found Emily in inpatient, but no one forgets their first night. The feeling of being alone and trapped, the emergency room, the bed checks. The memories always haunted you no matter how much better you got and after 7 months of this place, Alison would probably have a hard time not thinking about it every day, for the rest of her life. "Did she take her meds?" It looked like it was taking everything Alison had not to curl up on the floor.

"They took her off the Lexapro. She only has a half dose of Concerta in her system right now."

"Are you going to follow her?"

"Not yet," Emily shook her head, "I think she needs a minute to herself."

Spencer nodded.

"Please work, Remeron," Emily whispered sadly, watching Alison take labored steps out of the day room.

###

Alison remained fairly quiet for the rest of the day, only speaking when spoken to. Emily noticed the blonde's mood lift a little when they walked out of the hospital and she was really starting to see how hard being in Day Treatment was on Alison. The sad part was that this was just the beginning. Emily was relatively stable on the Prozac, but she couldn't argue with Alison's physical response to being in that hospital. The bathrooms weren't clean, kids hated their lives, they were sedated for no good reason, and the staff treated them horribly. A lot of them came from homes where they were treated much worse to begin with so they couldn't tell the difference. Ironically, it was not a mentally healthy environment to be in.

They got to Alison's car and threw their begs into the backseat. "I need to stop at the pharmacy for my prescription on the way back," Emily said, getting into the driver's seat and waiting for the silent nod.

Once Emily started driving, she noticed Alison in her peripheral vision, absentmindedly rubbing the pads of her index finger and thumb together. This wasn't one of the blonde's usual nervous habits; her go-to usually being ringing her hands or tightly squeezing her wrists. The swimmer moved a hand from the wheel and let it rest on Alison's thigh. She wasn't expecting anything in response, with the blonde blankly staring out the window, but Alison felt the caring hand just below the hem of her dress, and didn't hesitate to put her hand over Emily's. It was all her little gestures like this that let the brunette know she was still there, enduring.

The stop at the pharmacy took a lot longer than Emily expected because they had just forgotten to fill it. They ended up waiting for over an hour, but Alison didn't mind quietly leaning on Emily as she and the brunette dozed in and out of small naps. It was peaceful moments like this that made her miss the psych ward, as twisted as that sounded. Being in 21 West, you were pretty much kept in the small unit for weeks on end. Sometimes you got to see family or friends, but for the most part, it felt like being in a different world. It was like being on a really fucked up, sad vacation. But, just beyond those ward doors, was an institution that Alison could only describe as emotional natural selection.

Emily pulled up to the DiLaurentis house and handed Alison the keys. "Is your mom home?"

Alison shook her head as she reached for her bag and got out of the car, leading Emily up the porch steps and into the house, dropping their things on one of the stools around the kitchen island. Alison opened the refrigerator and scanned for supplies, "Is chicken stir-fry okay?" her voice just loud enough for Emily to make out.

Emily nodded and watched the blonde prep for dinner from one of the stools, admiring the way she quickly sliced the chicken tenderloins into small bits with ease, not even thinking to notice the size of the knife Alison was holding—or that she was holding a knife at all. What she did notice was the blonde's hands starting to shake, her leaning forward and letting her head thud against the cabinet as her chest began to heave through sobs. Emily was immediately at Alison's side with a hand on her back. "Hey," her heart clenched seeing Alison in so much pain.

Alison gasped for air at Emily's touch and let the knife drop into the sink. Her body shook violently, trying not to snap. She took in short, ragged breaths through gritted teeth, eventually giving up and pounding her fists, heavily, into the countertop. The silverware in the drawers rattled loudly and the house quaked under each powerful blow to the granite. All of the emotion that she had kept raging inside of her since she met with the therapist that morning was finally liberated in every pained strike she sent into the hard, stone surface.

Emily came up behind Alison and wrapped her arms around her, firmly taking hold of her hands, stopping their thrashing, and bringing them into her. Alison registered the warmth behind her and didn't fight the loving restraint. Emily buried her face into Alison's neck and felt the blonde's back trembling against her. She kissed her favorite spot below the corner of Alison's jaw, taking a small sip of the smooth skin, salty and damp from the tears that had rolled down. "Please don't do this to yourself."

"I have to," Alison whimpered.

"Why?" The blonde didn't respond and Emily kissed behind her ear.

"I can't…"

"You can't what?" Emily gently rubbed her thumbs over the back of Alison's hands.

"I can't let them see me," Alison hiccuped. _I can't let them see any emotion in there._

 _I see you._ "It's okay to let yourself feel something, Ali," Emily whispered against the blonde's neck.

Alison interlaced their fingers and pulled Emily's arms further around her body. Emily tightened her hold around Alison and stood there, giving them the much needed time to just _be_. Alison took slow breaths in sync with Emily's steady heart pressed to her back. Emily deeply inhaled and exhaled along with the cadence of the blonde's lungs, her warm breath gently grazing Alison's neck in the same ebb and flow. There was always something so calming and rhythmic about feeling the rise and fall of their chests as they took even breaths—a reminder that they were still there, still fighting.

A few minutes passed and Alison finally spoke, "I'm usually not a fan of people restraining me," she said, just above a whisper. The brunette smiled against her neck.

"I'm a pretty comfy straitjacket, huh?"

Alison nodded.

"What happened in your session that upset you so much?"

"She kept asking about _us._ "

"Why is that so bad?"

"Because she implied that our relationship was going to be a hinderance to my _treatment_ ," Alison growled.

"So I'm guessing you didn't tell her anything. Then what?"

Alison shrugged against Emily, "That's it."

"Ali, I remember the way you ripped into Nurse Peggy. I know there's more."

The blonde sighed, "She just kept insisting that I talk about you, us, and then I snapped in maybe not the nicest way."

"Like with Nurse Peggy?" Emily asked, lightly scratching the blonde's torso.

"A little," Alison admitted, "And I have a feeling she's gonna make sure I pay for it."

"And then?"

"And then I made fun of her _I Feel_ messages, walked out of her office and waited in the day room for lunch to start."

Emily laughed lightly at Alison hating _I Feel_ messages too. _If you're saying it, we know that's how you feel. You don't need to keep establishing it._ She loosened her embrace and the blonde turned to face her, wrapping her arms around the swimmer's neck. "Let me help you cook." Alison chuckled and Emily was relieved to see the blonde smiling again. "What's so funny?"

Alison shook her head slightly and kissed the brunette, "You said you were a lost cause in the kitchen. You don't need to help."

Emily let her hands fall to Alison's waist, "I don't want you to feel like a housewife." Alison quirked an eyebrow and Emily smirked, "As long as there's no folded dough involved, I'm fine."

"So, do Hot Pockets make you nervous?" Alison teased. Emily rolled her eyes playfully. "You not helping doesn't make me feel like a housewife, Em. I don't mind cooking for you."

"But wouldn't you rather cook _with_ me?" Emily asked and saw a life in Alison's eyes, a carefree life that seemed so unreachable with what they were facing now— _making dinner together, getting into food fights together, laying in bed together after…_

Alison cleared her throat, knowing what Emily was thinking about, "I would, but I'm hungry and you don't know how to cook."

"You can still tell me what to do _,_ " Emily said, suggestively.

Alison bit her lip and tried not to let herself get distracted from making dinner.

"You know, if you're _that hungry_."

Alison's next words caught in her throat at the brunette's tone and she swallowed thickly, making the mistake of glancing down at the swimmer's lips which immediately captured her own. Emily gripped the back of Alison's thighs, and hoisted her up on the counter next to the cutting board, making Alison squeal in surprise.

Emily hiked the blonde's dress up, thankful that it was unseasonably warm enough for the blonde to wear something so easily removable, and felt Alison's legs wrap around her waist. Alison parted her lips for Emily, exploring every inch of her mouth before moving down to her neck and sucking, intent on leaving a mark. Emily pulled Alison closer to the edge of the granite, causing the button on her jeans to bump Alison's clit through her panties, eliciting a breathy moan from the blonde.

"Em," she whimpered, tilting her head to the side.

Emily hummed in response, busy with soothing her previous mark and starting a new one.

Alison forced her eyes open and remembered why they were there. "Em," she pleaded, trying as hard as she could to ignore the pull between her legs. "Let me make us dinner." She was dying to get her hands on the brunette too, but neither of them had eaten all day and she was actually really hungry. Emily left a trail of wet kisses as she worked her way back up and covered Alison's heart-shaped lips with her own. "Em, wait," she panted into Emily's mouth.

Emily pulled back slightly and looked at her confusedly.

Alison felt around the counter until she found what she was looking for and held it up between their faces, "Cut the peppers."

###

Emily grinned at Alison with puffy cheeks full of the last bit of chicken and vegetables and the blonde deemed the stir-fry a success.

"Are you done?" Alison asked, reaching for Emily's plate.

Emily waved her hand and swallowed the food in her mouth before speaking, "I'll take care of it." She stacked their plates and started washing everything in the sink before the blonde could protest. "You just relax."

Alison smiled fondly at her girlfriend. She went over to her phone vibrating in her bag by the door and read a text from her mom, reminding her to take the Remeron on the kitchen island. She smiled and went into Emily's phone to send a text to Pam, telling her that the brunette would be sleeping over. She poured herself a glass of water and knocked back the new antidepressant.

When Emily was almost done with the dishes, she ambled up behind the swimmer and wrapped her arms around her as the brunette had done earlier. "You didn't have to clean up, Em."

The blonde's hands moved under the hem of her shirt and the tips of her fingers roamed over her abs. "It's the least I can do. You already cooked dinner."

"You helped."

Emily chuckled and shook her head, "I think I just slowed you down."

Alison smirked. The extra help should've made the process faster, but wound up drawing it out instead, with Alison constantly having to thwart the swimmer's wandering hands. She couldn't say she minded, having never had someone want her this much—who she wanted back with the same intensity.

"Well, _someone_ was a little stubborn and handsy."

"Sorry," Emily looked down sheepishly and filled the wok up with hot water to soak before drying her hands off with a towel.

Alison pushed herself up against the brunette. "Don't apologize," she lowered her hands to grip Emily's hips and leaned into her ear, "I can be just as stubborn."

Emily's breath hitched and she nearly came from the seduction in Alison's voice. She bit back a moan as she watched Alison tease the waistband of her pants, running the metal button between her splayed fingers and rubbing her zipper, just above her clit, but never going any lower. "Ali," she groaned and shut her eyes.

Alison stepped back, letting the brunette turn around, and held her hand out. "Come." Emily took Alison's hand and followed her up the stairs.

Alison turned the lock on her door and pulled Emily further into the dark room, passing all her various bottles of nail polish and sprays that she had been too depressed to use for the past several months. She brought Emily to the edge of her bed and motioned to the brunette's pants, "Take those off and sit," she instructed lightly, walking over to her desk to turn on one of her small lamps.

Emily did as she was told, quickly getting her jeans off and sitting on the edge of the mattress, letting Alison step between her legs. She ran a hand up and down the back of Alison's thigh, under the skirting, bringing the other around to the blonde's back, carefully pulling the zipper down and releasing the clasp on her bra.

Alison pushed the top of the dress and the straps of her bra down her arms, biting her lip as the brunette's gaze admired her bare chest. She put a hand on Emily's shoulder for balance and felt a supportive hand land on her waist as she slipped out of the dress, leaving her in just her black panties.

"So beautiful," Emily said, running her thumb over the blonde's thick patch of scars.

"How can you always…" she trailed off. It took her breath away every time the brunette said those words to her.

"I will never stop reminding you how beautiful you are, Alison."

The blonde's eyes shimmered in the dim light. Emily reached for the waistband of Alison's panties, but Alison interlaced their fingers, stopping Emily's hand before it could reach its destination. "Not yet, baby."

She brought Emily's shirt up and over her head and tossed it to the side with her pants. "Move up." Emily scooted herself further up the bed and Alison straddled her. This was reminiscent of the night in the hospital when she had pretty much thrown her self at the brunette, but this time was different. It wasn't tainted by anger towards her mother. This time it was about loving Emily—the one person she trusted, who read and loved every part of her—wholly and completely.

She reached around to unclasp Emily's bra and lowered her lips to the perfect breasts. The brunette moaned deep and low as Alison swirled her tongue around one of Emily's nipples, gently squeezing and nipping the soft flesh.

Emily squirmed beneath her as Alison's mound rubbed against her. "Ali," she moaned and arched her back into the blonde. Slick heat dripped in her panties.

Alison moved to the other nipple and continued her ministrations until she was satisfied with the hardened buds. She moved her attention down lower and brushed two fingers over Emily's slit, still clad in her panties.

Emily bit her bottom lip in anticipation, "Stop teasing," she begged.

Alison hooked a finger in the waistband of Emily's panties and slid them down her legs painfully slowly. She let the fabric drop to the floor and teased Emily's entrance with just the tips of her fingers.

The brunette's hips bucked forward, "Baby." Alison finally ceded into Emily's pleas and plunged two fingers into her. "Ali!" Emily opened her mouth to say more, but nothing came out, the blonde's fingers taking away her ability to form coherent sentences. "More."

Emily rocked her hips in rhythm with the blonde, helping Alison's fingers push deeper into her core. Emily gasped as the palm of Alison's hand hit her clit with each thrust, coating Alison in her arousal up to her knuckles. Alison continued slowly pumping in and out of Emily and moved back to her neck, sucking and nibbling the soft, olive skin. Emily felt Alison curl inside her, finding her sweet spot, " _Fuck!_ " she hissed through gritted teeth.

Alison smirked and increased the speed of her digits, not surprised when Emily started clawing at her back and rocking her hips faster to create more friction. Alison felt the brunette begin to tighten around her fingers and covered her lips with her own, allowing Emily to whimper her orgasm into her mouth. She slowed her fingers to let Emily ride out her high and pecked the brunette once more before moving lower on the bed.

"God, Ali— _Shit!_ " she cursed and her hips lurched as Alison's fingers were replaced with her tongue. She threw her head back and slid her fingers into Alison's hair as she arched her back off the mattress, pushing more of herself onto Alison's tongue. The blonde alternated between sucking and circling her swollen clit, diving into her depths and sending her over the edge as she came again. Alison licked Emily's arousal and slowly worked back up her toned body, leaving a wet trail as she caressed the brunette's hips and toned abs.

Emily pulled Alison's head down to rest between her breasts. "So you _were_ hungry," she joked through her heavy breathing.

Alison chuckled and tilted her head up to look at Emily. She shifted slightly so that she was cradled in one of Emily's arms and reached up to gently caress the side of the brunette's face, "I love you."

Emily leaned into the blonde's touch and brought her hand up to hold Alison's against her slightly damp cheek, "I love you too."

Alison gazed at Emily and saw a question that she had been expecting for a while swimming behind her beautiful brown eyes. "Ask the question, Em," she urged softly.

"When was the last time you cut?" She had been avoiding this question since the blonde's first day in the psych ward. She didn't know if she really wanted an answer, but she needed to know.

"About a month and a half ago."

That was a lot more recent than Emily had hoped, but no matter how old the wounds were, it was still pain that Alison felt. "I don't…I don't want you to cut again."

"I won't, Mermaid." She saw the sadness in Emily's eyes and sighed, "I don't want you to worry about me."

"But I do," Emily flexed her fingers on the small of Alison's back. "You have no idea how much I ache for you when I know that you're hurting—and that there's nothing I can do about it."

"You do something every time you walk into the room."

"But I can never save you from this," Emily grieved, "No one can."

 _No one can be saved from a mental illness._ "You're right." _It's just fighting through and hoping someone is there to help you get back up on the horse when you fall._ "You're not my savior. You can't save me."

Emily looked a little hurt actually hearing it said aloud, but she knew it was true either way.

Alison slipped a hand around Emily's neck and brushed over her tattoo with the pad of her thumb, "You're my partner."

"Ali," Emily uttered breathlessly at the blonde's earnest words.

" _You're here_ , and that's enough for me."

Emily cupped Alison's jaw and leaned her head down to Alison's plump lips, bringing her into a kiss that quickly became heated. The second Alison shifted, Emily didn't hesitate to flip them over. Alison grunted into Emily's mouth when her back landed on the mattress, their lips still fused together. She kissed her way down the blonde's body and hooked her fingers in the waistband of Alison's black panties, sliding the fabric down her legs to find her hot and wet.

Emily brought her lips down to Alison's entrance and ran her tongue through her glistening slit.

" _Emily_ ," Alison gasped and gripped the bed sheets. Emily's eager tongue plunged into her and vigorously assaulted her clit until her body convulsed through the waves of pleasure as she was brought to orgasm.

Alison panted heavily as Emily lapped the inside of her dripping thighs, but the brunette wasn't letting up now. She held Alison's thighs open and gently blew against the wet flesh, causing the blonde to writhe beneath her.

Emily circled Alison's clit with her fingertips, mercilessly flicking and rolling over the engorged tip while she suckled Alison's breasts.

Alison's lips parted, "Emily," she hissed. She whimpered strangled incoherence and her nimble fingers slid into Emily's dark hair, causing the brunette to smile against the soft swells.

She felt the brunette enter her with one, then two fingers, driving the digits into the spot that made her legs tremble. "Em," she pleaded.

Emily heard Alison's plea and knew what she needed. Maintaining her rhythm in the blonde, she released one of Alison's nipples, lifted her head, and let Alison pull her into the crook of her neck. She gently sipped her girl's soft skin, up from her collarbone to the corner of her jaw. " _I'm here,_ " she whispered tenderly into her love's ear.

Those two words were all Alison needed to let the second orgasm come crashing into her—and it would not be her last. She held Emily close, clutching at the swimmer's neck and back as she reached completion and came down from her high.

The thick scent of their arousal on one another filled the room and the blonde slowly sated the still pulsating nub between her thighs, gently rocking her hips on Emily's loving fingers.

"Em," Alison whimpered and moaned the brunette's name into the night. Her body a quivering mess as she came undone over and over again for Emily, the partners whispering sweet nothings to each other until they fell into sleep.

###

Emily got her an Alison point sheets while the blonde finished signing herself in.

"Alison, sweetie," one of the nurses called, "You and Emily want a juice or cereal or anything?"

"Nothing for me, Ms. Meena. But thank you," Alison replied extremely politely. After how her session with Kavanaugh went the previous day, she really had to watch herself. Luckily, the nicer nurses were usually the only ones there in the morning, unless the doctors had to meet with a new patient. "Em?" The brunette glanced up from filling out the top of their point sheets. "You want anything?"

Emily shook her head and took Alison's hand, leading them down the hall.

Alison smirked when she saw how Emily filled the point sheet out for her. The brunette had written "Dr. Kavanaugh" and crossed out her title like Alison had done during lunch yesterday.

They walked into the atrium and were met with Hanna, hurtling toward them at full speed. She wrapped her arms around the blonde and brunette and squeezed them in a hug. They grunted and stumbled, but Emily was able to get a foot out to catch their weight.

"Hi, Han," Emily giggled.

Alison smiled at the bubbly blonde. She really had missed her. Hopefully her infectious laughter would make being here a little more bearable, the Hanna Hugs wouldn't hurt either.

Hanna eyed the couple as they slid into the picnic table against the wall, hand in hand. Alison was wearing Emily's Sharks jacket, they were both wearing clothes that looked wrinkled from being balled up and they gazed at each other with a gleam in their eye, despite where they were.

Hanna figured it out and sat there with a goofy grin plastered on her face, "You two…"

Emily and Alison glanced confusedly at Hanna and back to each other.

Hanna squealed and giggled, "You two _100%_ had sex last night!" Alison raised her eyebrows and Hanna decided to take that as a _That's for me to know_ and then got a _definite yes_ when she looked at Emily who was looking down and blushing profusely.

"Hanna, can you not?" Emily said, all of the sudden very interested in the table.

"Relax, baby," Alison leaned her head on Emily's shoulder.

"Come on, Em! Tell me I'm wrong."

"Hanna, leave her alone," Alison said, snuggling into Emily's side.

Spencer entered the large room, distracting Hanna with a another hug, and Alison took the moment to intertwine their fingers. Spencer sat down and noticed how uncomfortable Emily looked, "Em, you okay?"

Emily nodded, still trying to hide her blush. "I'm fine, Spence."

"Yeah, she's fine, Spence," Hanna cut in with a teasing edge.

"Hanna," Alison warned. All of Hanna's food jokes would sound like sexual innuendo now.

"She just had a little too much to eat last night," Hanna's voice cracked as she and Spencer started laughing.

Emily's eyes widened, "Oh my God."


	11. Bound to Break

AN: Yes, I realize how long it's been. Thank you to everyone who's still with me. Writing and racking up debt at the same time is hard. I pulled from a few of the show's scenes and reworked them for this chapter. Enjoy!

As always, remember to drop me a review (and share if you feel so inclined)! I love hearing from you!

* * *

"So, Emily," Ms. Fey started, closing the door to her office, "How are you feeling about being here so far."

Emily thought about how to phrase her answer, "It's okay." She wanted to avoid coming off as rude to the social worker, who was acting as her on-site therapist, and the shallow response was her best bet.

"You don't have to be polite, Emily. How have your first couple weeks been?"

"Well I'm not thrilled about having to come here every day," Emily said bluntly.

"You do get to see Alison when you're here."

 _Subtle_ , Emily internally scoffed at the woman trying to steer the session toward Alison. "I still prefer to see my friends outside of hospitals."

"But Alison is much more than a friend, isn't she?"

Emily fought the urge to audibly groan, rubbing her fingers against her temple. "She is, but I'd really rather not talk about her with you." She trusted Ms. Fey more than Alison trusted Kavanaugh, but the couple agreed not to discuss their relationship in their sessions.

"Alright," the therapist quelled. "That's perfectly fine. Do you spend a lot of time with your friends?"

 _They're with me all fucking day. Of course I do._ "I try to, _on the outside_ , if that's what you mean."

"You talk about Day Treatment like it's a prison," Ms. Fey observed.

" _Well_ …" Emily drew out. The woman could guess the rest.

"Has your sleeping improved any?"

"Kind of." The nightmares and night terrors hadn't ceased completely, but more often than not, she had a better chance of sleeping through the night if she was encompassed in Alison's loving arms. Her parents had no idea how to calm her down when she jolted awake in a dazed panic, crying, screaming, or both.

Pam and Wayne were hesitant at first, but they started to let Alison sleep over more. With Alison there, they could rest easy knowing that their daughter was being cared for by the only person who could reach her in that state.

"What do you think has been helping you?"

They would go to school the next morning, mixing and matching various articles of each other's clothing, earning them endless teasing from Hanna and providing a show for Spencer.

"Emily."

She glanced up and her eyes landed on the therapist's wedding and engagement rings. _How would I propose to Ali?_ How was she already thinking about that? She couldn't even imagine where they would be when they got to that point in their lives and couldn't vividly picture it. All she knew was that she wanted it to be private.

"Emily," Ms. Fey called again, a bit louder this time.

The brunette snapped out of her thoughts. "What?"

"Did you remember to take the Concerta today?"

Emily shook her head, "No. I rushed out of the house this morning and forgot." Forgetting the meds that morning hadn't been her rushing so much as it had been Alison's hands distracting her while she got ready. Now that she was on a full dose of Concerta, Alison trusted herself to drive them to the hospital, and Emily quickly learned that the blonde was a _much_ more assertive driver than she was.

The brunette remembered where she was and looked at the therapist. "What was I just talking about?"

# # #

" _Hanna_ , there's nothing wrong with pancakes," Emily stated from the desk behind the blonde.

"Girls," Mr. Cassidy called, trying to get their attention back on the book.

"Yes there is!"

"Let's get back to reading," the english teacher tried again.

"No there isn't. It's the same batter—"

"That was too lazy to be a waffle!"

"Girls, I—Oh what the hell," Mr. Cassidy gave up and leaned back.

Hanna and Emily were finally pulled from their _creative discussion_ by the loud squeak that came from the hinges on the swivel chair.

"Sorry," Emily apologized.

"Are you ready to get back to reading?" Mr. Cassidy asked.

The two nodded and opened up the unit's worn copies of _No Country for Old Men,_ quickly turning the pages to find their lost places.

"Hanna, you read."

The blonde whined dramatically, but did as she was told.

The further into the page they got, the less Emily paid attention. Her mind jumped around from gun control to cowboy hats and then somehow landed on Alison and carnival food.

"Em, it's your turn," Hanna nudged the swimmer's back with the spine of the book.

"What?" the brunette picked her head up from her palm.

"It's your turn to read."

"Oh, uh…what page are we on?" Emily asked sheepishly.

Mr. Cassidy glanced over his desk at Emily's book, "Half way down the next page." He was a lot more patient than the teachers Emily dealt with in middle school, the ones who would yell at her to _just be more focused and organized_.

As she finished stumbling over words and lines, she realized she hadn't processed anything she had just read. She hoped Mr. Cassidy wasn't going to assign homework on this because that meant reading on her own time and possibly answering questions about it. Then she was screwed.

" _Yesterday is all that does count,_ " Hanna read aloud. " _What else is there? Your life is made out of the days it's made out of. Nothin' else_."

Emily listened intently as Hanna read, frowning when her mind firmly grasped what was being said. _What does my yesterday count for?_ With everything that had happened, it was hard to say that her yesterday counted for much, let alone her tomorrow.

# # #

Alison clenched her fist around her pencil and gripped the edge of the history textbook, trying to tune out Denver's humming which had been driving her up the wall for the past 20 minutes. He was high functioning autism spectrum and sometimes couldn't pick up on when people were getting annoyed.

Mr. Finnerty noticed her knuckles turning white. "Hey, Denver?" The boy looked up. "Let's try to keep the humming to a minimum, buddy."

"Oh, okay," he said in his soft, child-like voice. "Oops."

Mr. Finnerty flashed a thumbs-up and gave a Matthew McConaughey, "Alright alright alright."

Denver giggled and turned his attention to the back of Alison's head. "You have pretty hair," he said, sitting behind the blonde.

Alison glanced around and made eye contact with Mr. Finnerty who gave her a nod, verifying that Denver was indeed talking to her. "Thank you," she shakily forced out, not actually turning around to fully address the source of the compliment.

She returned to diligently answering the chapter questions on a sheet of looseleaf. Since getting her dose bumped up, she was getting about half way through the questions, though still not getting as far as the other patients. The struggle of actually reading the words on the page correctly and processing them had yet to become a less grueling chore.

"How are you doing, Alison?"

 _How do I_ look _like I'm doing?_ Mr. Finnerty didn't mean to bother her. The history teacher's genuine kindness actually made her feel more comfortable talking with the other kids in the room. She decided to give him the easy answer. "Fine, I guess."

"Not doing too hot?" he replied knowingly.

Alison shrugged.

The teacher nodded and took a sip of coffee from his tumbler mug, "I won't tell you that it'll all be okay." He watched Alison and Spencer's eyebrows raise. "I don't like to tell kids that everything will be fine because it might not be, you know? It's like giving someone false hope."

Some people may have thought of what he said as pessimistic, but Alison appreciated his honesty and Spencer appreciated his realistic view on the world.

"You'll get used to this place," Joey interjected. "Well maybe you won't get used to it, but you'll numb soon."

Alison and Spencer didn't flinch at how dark and self-aware the 10 year old's thoughts were. It was sad to think that kids talking this way had become normal to them.

"Getting used to it might be the lesser option, Joey," Spencer countered.

"What do you mean by that?" Mr. Finnerty asked.

Alison smiled to herself and quietly observed, glad that Bellevue had teachers who let them have discussions like this—when the doctors weren't around to hear it—instead of hastily shutting them up.

"Creating a comfortable routine is important, regardless of where you are, but I don't think it's healthy to get used to a place like this. I'm not saying that numbing yourself is always the answer, it's just that sometimes you need to take emotion out of the equation to find the solution."

Alison contemplated and decided she didn't stand with Spencer on this one. Letting the doctors push her to numbness is what took away the joy of talking. Letting herself feel is what gave her Emily. Sometimes emotion was the only thing she could count on, good or bad.

Alison froze at the sound of footsteps growing louder, a cold shiver running down her spine as the clacking peaked and halted at the doorway to Mr. Finnerty's classroom. She didn't have to turn around to know it was Kavanaugh.

"Denver, Joey, it's time to go to group. Go catch up with Ezekiel and Michael," the therapist ordered, feigning a friendly smile.

The blonde muttered into her textbook. She had told Kavanaugh, very early on, that the bereavement group she attended after her Uncle Richie died was the only therapy she had ever found helpful. Despite this, two weeks had already passed and neither her nor the other girls had been assigned to groups.

"And Alison, sweetie…"

Alison clenched her jaw and willed herself to keep facing forward, digging her nails into her palms at the term of endearment. This woman did not know her well enough for it to sound like anything, but condescending. Alison shut her eyes, hoping that the psychologist wasn't going to call her in for a session.

"I'll come get you next period before lunch," Kavanaugh said and walked away, leaving Alison to cringe after the only woman who had ever supplied such delayed dissatisfaction.

# # #

Over the past couple weeks, the girls had all started to notice that Alison was speaking less. The blonde was still showing the swimmer all the same affection—the touches, the glances, resting her head on her shoulder—but she would slip into unnerving silence the second they stepped foot in the day room.

Emily sat next to Alison at lunch, resting a comforting hand on her thigh. While Alison relaxed somewhat at her touch, Emily could still feel how hard the blonde was steeling herself. Her eyes darted around as she reacted to every movement and sound, still very much present, but she wasn't letting herself be visibly affected by anything. Her face remained expressionless and she was hesitant to do something as simple as shifting in her seat.

Hanna picked up on Alison rotating between staring at the edge of the table, drawing on the back of the point sheet and staring at the tip of her pencil. She looked to Emily for an answer, but the brunette mouthed a defeated _I don't know_ and shrugged.

Alison heard the faint sound of the double doors to the school being unlocked and lightly squeezed Emily's hand before getting up from the table. Ms. Meena signed her point sheet and she started out of the day room, never allowing herself to look back.

Emily solemnly watched her girlfriend leave the room. It had become a routine for Alison; going through lunch in silence, listening for the school doors to be unlocked, and being the first one out with their point sheet signed. But Emily never followed right away. The blonde needed some time to herself everyday and she wanted to respect that.

"Em," Spencer called, breaking the brunette out of her trance. She had finally figured out why Alison was being so quiet.

"Huh?"

Spencer nodded to the corner of the day room.

Emily turned her head and saw Kavanaugh and Dr. Alcerra's critical eyes following Alison out of the room. Dr. Alcerra seemed to care less, but the telling look that Kavanaugh was shooting her put it all together for Emily. The therapist wasn't happy with Alison's _bad behavior_ and with the way Dr. Alcerra was watching the blonde, Kavanaugh clearly hadn't been keeping their sessions to herself.

"I'm gonna go talk to her," Emily hastily got up and pushed her chair in.

After getting her point sheet signed by Ms. Robbie, Emily trod down the hallway to the school. "Ali?" she called.

"She's in there," Mr. Napoli said from the doorway of the office.

Emily turned to look at the room he was pointing to and was relieved when she remembered that they had art with Ms. Lipton next.

The curly haired woman understood that this environment was rough on some kids and she would let her art room be a place where they could create without thinking. She was glad that there was only one high-top table in the room so there couldn't be more than 4 kids in the class at a time.

The brunette poked her head into the art room and found her girlfriend sitting on a stool at the table, leaning her head against the shelf of various art supplies.

She quietly took the seat next to Alison and brought her hand up to the back of the blonde's neck. Alison closed her eyes and hummed at the feeling of Emily's fingers gently massaging the knotted nape.

"You holding up okay?" Emily asked softly.

Alison nodded, bringing her hand back to interlace their fingers over her neck.

"Are you feeling the Remeron yet?"

"Not yet."

Emily paused for a moment, "Talk to me." Alison's unsettling quietness was beginning to manifest beyond the walls of the day room and it was becoming increasingly worrisome.

Alison shook her head slowly, keeping her eyes shut. "I don't have anything to say."

"I know you, Ali," Emily pushed lightly. "I know you like talking to people."

Alison felt her throat start to burn as her eyes welled. "I don't feel that anymore," the blonde whispered, her voice cracking. She could feel the part of her that enjoyed talking to people slipping away from her and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't stop it.

The brunette furrowed her brow and lightly pressed her thumb to the sensitive spot behind Alison's jaw, "Don't let those doctors take your voice away."

"It's already gone, Em," she said weakly.

Emily's heart clenched at the sad truth in Alison's words; part of Alison had just died. She turned the blonde's head toward her and saw new cracks forming behind her eyes. Every little fracture made Emily realize that when they were discharged, they would still be damaged, but in a different way.

Alison blinked away a tear. She had started to speak less, as a way of staying out of trouble, but it was mostly to protect the integrity of her and Emily's relationship. If Kavanaugh was in earshot, she wouldn't verbally communicate with anyone. They were not an exhibit or the therapist's lab rats and she figured that if she didn't say anything, the psychologist wouldn't have anything to analyze or belittle.

Now the memories of talking freely and comfortably in large groups were starting to fade. Being here killed that part of her and she didn't think it was getting revived or rebuilt any time soon—not as long as they were in day treatment. "I just don't—"

"You don't have to," Emily said, wiping the tear away with her thumb. "I just miss your voice."

"I'm sorry," the blonde forced out.

"Don't be sorry," Emily shook her head. "You be as quiet as you need to be," she ducked slightly to meet Alison's eyes. "I'll still be here when you wanna talk."

Alison sat there with her lips parted, hesitant and unable to speak. At some point she had lost sight of why she had become quiet and she was afraid that she would lose the very thing she had done it for in the first place.

Alison exhaled slowly through her mouth to calm herself and let Emily drape an arm around her, pulling her into her side.

Emily turned her head back to find Hanna and Spencer standing in the doorway. She gave them a nod to come in and leaned her cheek against the top of Alison's head.

Hanna eyed the blonde slumped against Emily, dully staring at the table as she and Spencer carefully took their seats across from the couple. "Ali, are you okay?" she asked, not expecting anything more than a nod or a shrug.

"I'm tired," Alison said flat out.

"I thought you said that the Remeron helped you sleep."

Alison's eyes flickered up to look at Hanna, and Spencer immediately discerned her overwhelming exhaustion. "That's not what she means, Han." Spencer watched as it clicked for Hanna when she caught Alison's glance.

Alison's mind flashed to Kavanaugh, something she couldn't seem to stop from happening every few minutes—the backhanded compliments, the cold eyes that drilled into her whenever she was around. "Never look back, Hanna," the blonde said sullenly. She wasn't going to lie, she wasn't going to feign a smile for her friends' benefit. "Something might be gaining on you." She was done. She'd had enough.

Hanna sat there stunned by the bleakness in Alison's words.

"Hey, why don't we go to The Grille later? Grab an early dinner?" Spencer suggested, trying to move away from the dark subject.

"You up for it, babe?" Emily asked gently. She wanted to keep Alison around people, but she also didn't want to push her too far.

Alison smiled at the pet name. It wasn't one she used often, if any. It made her heart flutter every time Emily used a term of endearment or pressed her warm lips to any part of her body, no matter how cold and desolate her mind was.

She looked up at the swimmer from her shoulder and nodded. Emily lightly scratched Alison's neck and placed a soft kiss to her forehead. "Stay with me," she murmured against her temple.

The brunette held the blonde close and wondered how much of Alison would be left by the time they were discharged.

# # #

Hanna and Emily went to the restroom in the back of The Grille to wash up before the meal, while Spencer shared her pocket sized bottle of hand sanitizer with Alison.

Spencer had gotten less anal and uptight in the last few years since she had started rapid cycling. It made her realize that you couldn't be prepared for everything, all you could do was learn how to cope, but a Hastings _never_ forgot hand sanitizer.

She skimmed through the menu, even though she already knew exactly what she wanted, just looking for something to occupy herself. Unlocking her phone, she started to re-read some New York Times articles. Alison obviously wasn't in a state of mind to make small talk. The blonde had become a good friend to her and Hanna and she would gladly comfort her in a second, but a coddling friend was not what she needed right now. Right now, letting her be was the polite thing to do.

"Spencer?" Alison called softly in the seat across from her.

Spencer jerked her head up, surprised to hear the blonde's voice. Alison hadn't been the one to initiate a conversation in over a week.

"Do you think me and Emily…" she struggled to finish the question because she felt stupid for asking. "Do you think we're too dependent on each other?"

Alison made a point to say _we_ because it felt like she was the only one who needed support. As much as she didn't doubt the swimmer's love for her, Emily being a strong woman who didn't need her was a very real thought that wasn't slow to dawn in her mind.

Spencer registered the question and furrowed her brow, pressing the sleep/wake button on her phone. "Where is this coming from?"

"Kavanaugh said something." She had told herself that she wouldn't let the therapist affect her and Emily, but the words wouldn't stop looping in her head.

"Do _you_ think you are?"

"You didn't answer the question."

"I'm asking one now."

"Spence, come on," Alison pleaded weakly.

Spencer ceded and set her phone down, leaning forward and crossing her arms on the table. "I don't think that you're dependent on each other."

The blonde wasn't going to be so easily swayed, worrying at her bottom lip and tightly wringing her wrists.

"You're not dependent on her," Spencer said honestly. "Yes, in a way, I think you need her, but I don't think that your happiness is completely contingent on her."

"This is still sounding a lot like dependence."

"Ali," the brunette shook her head and chuckled. "This is _you and Emily._ We're not talking about some unhealthy cycle of codependency. You obviously love her more than _life—_ I mean you love a lot of things more than life right now—but that's besides the point. My point is," Spencer took a second to quickly reorganize her thoughts. "If you were able to bond that deeply with someone, in the middle of all this, then I don't really see how needing her could be a bad thing." She took Alison's eased facial expression as a sign to continue. "I know you don't think so right now, but you are strong, Ali, _and Emily needs you too_."

Alison smiled lightly, thinking about the nights the brunette clung to her, as she soothed the wrists she had been wringing with her thumbs.

When the elder Fieldses let Alison stay over, the girls always found themselves wrapped up in each other's protective arms. She could never say she minded holding the brunette, but sometimes it was preceded by gently bringing her down from panic attacks and night terrors.

"You know, Ali, there's a version of this where we could have all ended up dead."

That statement held a lot more truth than Spencer knew.

"You and Emily found love and support in each other, and I don't know _anybody_ who couldn't use some of that."

"Thanks, Spence," Alison smiled, though still not completely convinced.

Spencer smiled back and nodded as Emily and Hanna returned from the restroom.

"What did we miss?" Emily asked, pulling her seat out and kissing Alison as she sat down.

The blonde simpered against Emily's lingering lips. "Not much."

"Hey," Aria greeted as she approached their table.

"Aria?" Alison turned to her friend with a confused look. "What are you doing here?"

"I texted her and told her to come," Emily supplied, getting up and pulling a chair over for the smaller brunette. "You haven't seen her in a while. I thought it would be nice for us to hang out again."

Alison struggled to find her words.

"Do you not want me here?" Aria worried.

"No, I do." Alison hesitated and sighed heavily, "I want you to have a normal life. You should be hanging out with everyone at Dalton. You shouldn't be separating yourself from that to literally hang out with a bunch of mental patients."

"Ali, I'm having dinner with my best friend. This is normal." She squeezed Alison's hand over the table and the blonde gave her a grateful smile. "Oh, and you probably shouldn't let them hear you calling yourself that in Bellevue. That therapist will think you're developing a complex."

"Aria, I think you meant to say _dunch_ before," Hanna said matter-of-factly.

"No, Han, it's _linner,_ " Spencer corrected.

Aria leaned closer to Alison and Emily, "Are they seriously arguing about this right now?" she whispered.

The 3 girls watched the blonde and brunette continue their debate.

"No it's not, Spence."

"Yes it is. Lunch precedes dinner, so it's linner!"

"But that sounds like math!"

"You're thinking of _linear_ algebra. It's math involving planes, lines and—"

"Stop defining at me!"

The couple turned back to Aria, "This is how they bond," Emily deadpanned.

"I bet they're real fun at parties."

"How are Mike and Mona?" Alison asked.

Aria pondered, "They're okay I guess. I think he still worries about her shutting him out."

Mike and Mona's relationship intrigued Alison. They were kind of like her and Emily's heterosexual parallel. You had one person who people saw as a monster because of the things they once said and did, and another who could see the kindness in their heart and bring it out for the world to see. Both damaged in different ways, but damaged all the same.

"Any word on her discharge?" Spencer asked.

Apparently Mona's two week acclimation was up and they were finally transferring her to Day Treatment in 21 East.

"We should do something this weekend," Spencer said while everyone looked through their menus.

"Ooh," Hanna squealed giddily. "We should go swimming!"

Emily stiffened while Spencer and Aria looked at the blonde like she was out of her mind.

"You do realize it's the dead of winter, right?" Aria said skeptically.

"Yeah," Spencer joined. "It's that cold thing happening outside right now."

"It wasn't cold enough to freeze the lake over this year," Hanna argued.

"It's still cold enough to freeze our asses off!"

"Rosewood High has a heated indoor," the blonde suggested. "We can just go to Em's pool. You're friends with the coach right?"

Alison sensed Emily's discomfort, noticing her hidden grimace when her bad shoulder twitched.

"Um," the swimmer started uneasily. She hadn't thought of it as _her pool_ in a long time. "I haven't really talked to anyone there since…"

Alison interlaced her fingers with Emily's and looked to Aria for help.

The smaller brunette immediately understood and interjected, "I think swimming can wait until we can go in the lake without getting hypothermia." She glanced down and then up at Alison. The blonde caught her eyeing their clasped hands and arched a brow, challenging her to say something. Aria smiled, impressed that she didn't waver anymore. She didn't shift in her seat, clear her throat, or avoid eye contact. She stood by her love for Emily completely.

But that didn't mean Aria wasn't going to push Alison's buttons, knowing that the blonde could never be mad at her.

The small brunette gestured to the couple, "How's this going? Facebook official?"

Alison pursed her lips to fight a smile and melodramatically looked in the opposite direction.

"If Emily used Facebook," Hanna butted in. "You know they still haven't even gone on a first date yet?"

Emily rolled her eyes and grumbled, "We never got around to it."

"Throwing myself at you that night in the unit didn't count as a date?" Alison whispered to the brunette, nudging her side. Emily chuckled and brought her arm around to rest on the back of Alison's chair. The couple realized Alison hadn't been very quiet when they looked up and found Hanna trying not to do a spit take, and the other two brunettes staring at them with wide eyes.

"That's one way to start a relationship," Aria snickered.

"And you started yours with Fitz next to a toilet with a faucet digging into your back," Alison quipped back and the rest of the table snorted.

"Why did I tell you about that?" the brunette shook her head, laughing to herself.

Alison felt a pang of guilt in her chest. Why did she say that? Aria was her best friend. She had no reason to do that. Had she always made jokes like that? Christ, what else had she said to people?

Aria noticed the frown on her friend's face, "Ali—"

"Aria, I'm sorry…" Alison sat there, aghast and furious with herself.

"It's okay," the brunette tried to reassure her, "I know you didn't—"

Before she could get another word out, Alison was already up and frantically pacing out of The Grille. The girls promptly followed after the blonde as her frustrated hands fumbled with her bag to find her keys.

"Ali!" Emily called. Her fast walk turned into a jog when she saw her girlfriend getting into her car across the street. "Alison!" Her swimmer's legs weren't enough, making it to the other side only to watch the blonde's taillights disappear.

She let her hands rest on her head as she caught her breath and waited for the others to cross.

Spencer jogged over to Emily. "Where'd she just go?"

Emily threw her arms out, "She left me."

"She didn't _leave you_ , Em, she probably just went home. Come on, I'll give you a ride," Aria motioned over her shoulder to her car. She knew it must feel like a stab to the heart, watching the blonde drive off, but when Alison was that distraught, chances of getting through to her were slim to none—even for Emily.

"Do you want us to come?" Spencer asked.

"No," Emily sighed, "You and Han can go eat. Maybe pushing her to be around people was too overwhelming today."

Spencer nodded. "It might take her longer than you to adjust to normal settings again. She has to learn how to live on meds that are making her more self-aware than she's used to."

# # #

Alison floored it home, neither thinking about the speed limit nor all the lights she had just run. Surely the faster she got herself away from everyone, the better.

She let her unzipped bag empty out on the floor and slammed the door shut, hyperventilating as her boots battered the stairs up to her bedroom with every turbulent step.

"Fucking fantastic," she growled to herself, fists clenched at her sides as she paced in circles.

Aria and Emily pulled up to the DiLaurentis house and found Alison's car door wide open. Emily pressed the door lock switch and ran to catch up with the smaller brunette.

"When I don't talk, I upset Emily, and when I _do_ talk, I hurt people!" Why had she just left The Grille? She could have listened to what Aria had to say. "You removed yourself from the situation," Alison tried to reason with herself. She had learned that in play therapy when she was a little girl and now she was wishing she hadn't because she just stormed out of the restaurant and ruined what could have been a nice meal for everyone. She scoffed, "Now I'm talking to myself."

She backed into the chair in front of her vanity and gripped the back rest as hard as she could in an attempt to avoid hitting something. "Don't," she spat. Her knuckles turned white. "Don't." Her fists began to shake. "Stop," she pleaded.

It only took half a second for her to snap, winding a kick back into one of the chair's legs, breaking it clean off. She lifted the seat and used it as a make-shift bat, sending makeup and bottles of nail polish hurtling toward her lamp, breaking the small glass shade.

In the back of her head, she knew this was a bad idea, but at times like this it felt like she couldn't control what her body was doing.

She punched one of the walls she knew was weak and broke through the pink coated sheetrock. Before she knew it, her fist had found its way into the vanity mirror and shards of glass were flying across the room.

"Oh my God," Aria panted from the doorway, taking in the shards of glass strewn all over the floor.

"Ali," a pained Emily breathed when she rounded the corner. Her eyes moved from the shattered glass and landed on the jarring crimson blood oozing from Alison's knuckles. She moved swiftly, stepping in front of the blonde and wrapping her arms around her to prevent her fist from re-connecting with what was left of the mirror.

"Let me go, Emily!" Alison tried to fight the swimmer's strong hold.

Aria's heart ached seeing her friend so unhinged, so hurt.

Keeping the blonde's arms restrained in the embrace, Emily began walking them away from the vanity, backing Alison toward her wardrobe.

"Let me go!" she repeated as she struggled to accept the rein, her voice sounding weaker this time.

"No," Emily maintained calmly, tightening her hold.

"Let me—"

Alison's back hit the closet and Emily felt her gasp and finally give in. The blonde's devastating cries seethed through her gritted teeth. Her violent thrashing tapered and she gripped Emily's back, letting out her muffled sobs into her Mermaid.

Emily pressed herself firmly to Alison, giving her more leeway to slump.

"I'm sorry," Alison hiccuped over and over into the tear soaked collar of the brunette's varsity jacket. She felt Emily loosen her hold slightly, letting her arms free, and she clutched onto the swimmer's shoulders for dear life.

"It's okay," Emily soothed. "You're okay. I'm here." The blonde continued to whimper and hyperventilate in her arms, only making it harder to accept that the only thing she could do, for the girl she would do anything for, was be there.

"Why do I…have to be like this?" Alison managed to get out between convulsions.

"Breathe, Ali," the brunette whispered.

"Why is…everything…so wrong with me?"

"Come on," Emily gently encouraged, "Longer breaths."

Alison brought her arms around Emily's neck, following the brunette's deep inhales and exhales as best she could until her gasps were reduced to the occasional hiccup.

Emily held her warm hand to the back of the blonde's neck, cold after leaving her jacket at The Grille. "Ali, you're freezing."

"Look at everything that's wrong with me, Em." Alison scrunched up a fist full of the letterman, ignoring Emily's observation, and looked at her reflection in the mirror's remains. "I was always meant to break."

Emily glanced over her shoulder at Aria returning with a first aid kit, and waited for Alison's breathing to settle before slowly guiding them down to a clear spot on the floor. She let the blonde out of the embrace and gently took hold of her wounded hand.

Alison stared down at the blood that varnished her knuckles. She looked around the room, taking in all she had done. It looked like a tornado had passed through and decided to camp out.

"It feels bad when you can't control it," Emily said knowingly, lifting Alison's legs to rest over hers.

Alison nodded.

Emily briefly turned to Aria, who handed her the first aid kit, "Thanks." The brunette was surprised that Alison didn't wince when she applied the rubbing alcohol, but remembered the scars on her legs. Those wounds must have made these gashes look and feel like paper cuts.

"You can see what you're doing, where you're going," she continued, "But you can't steer. It's like driving toward a pole and staring at it for a hundred yards knowing you're going to hit it."

"Control," Alison said quietly.

Emily and Aria's eyes lifted to meet the blonde's.

 _Control—_ that's what mental illness took away. Whether the behavior was compulsive or impulsive, debilitating depression or a manic episode, it was all present because mental illness was.

"Why is none of this phasing you?" Alison asked.

Emily paused and chuckled darkly before resuming wrapping Alison's lacerated hand. "That wouldn't have been my first mirror," she admitted. She watched Alison's eyes fixate on one of the large shards that lay near her feet. Dread washed over her entire body at the thought of one day being too late to impel the blonde away from self-harm. "Ali, don't."

Alison sighed heavily and shut her eyes. "I'm not." Part of her wanted so desperately to cut, another part of her was embarrassed that she had cut at all, and another part of her was too dormant to remember that Aria was in the room and didn't know about her scars.

"Look at me," Emily said firmly.

Alison slowly met her sympathetic orbs.

"You were not meant to break," Emily spoke with a slow, clear fervency that willed Alison to maintain eye contact.

"Emily, look around," the blonde begged defeatedly. "How can you even _say_ that I wasn't?"

"Because I see how you are after your sessions," Emily replied, the graveness in her voice uncomfortably sobering. "It looks like it gets harder and harder for you to stand every time you walk out of her office. She's getting to you, _I can see it!_ " Emily was almost begging Alison to grasp what she was trying to say. "People like her don't bend your will without the intention to break you." She held up the shard of glass, "And you're worth _so much more_ than harming yourself."

Aria's eyes watered as it became clear. Her best friend had been hurting badly enough to self-harm and she had never noticed. She had never even thought to notice.

Alison saw the tears gathering in Aria's eyes. "I got really good at hiding it, Aria," she tried to assure her friend. "It wasn't your job to figure it out."

Aria scooted closer to Alison and took one of her hands, careful of the bandages. "You can't beat yourself up for every little thing that happens. I know you didn't mean what you said at The Grille. That's just how you are sometimes. It's your sense of humor."

"Aria, if I said that without thinking then what the hell have I been saying to people for the past 17, 18 years? The world isn't filled with a bunch of forgiving Arias."

"The world isn't filled with a bunch of resilient Alisons either," Aria readily countered. "You are the _only_ _you_ the world has," the petite brunette proclaimed. "And the world shouldn't miss out on you." She sounded like the corny quotes that she hated, but she'd rather that than risk furthering the anguish in Alison's eyes.

"You can't keep running away," Emily chimed in. "Or driving away," she teased.

Realization hit Alison and she buried her face in her hands, "Oh God, I left you at The Grille."

"It's okay, I gave her a ride," Aria reassured.

"And we should probably work on remembering to lock your doors. I wouldn't be too worried about anyone stealing your old homework though."

Alison let out a watery chuckle and leaned her head back on the closet. Her eyes began to droop and the two brunettes could see that the breakdown was catching up with her, fast. Her body had been running on adrenaline and Emily knew that the drained feeling was setting in.

"Let's get you downstairs," Aria prompted, standing up.

Alison eyed the scattered glass, unable to suppress the guilt for what she did, all of the damage she left in her wake.

"We can clean it later," Emily assured, pulling Alison up to her feet. "Right now we need to get you out of this room."

"What am I supposed to tell my mom?" Alison started wringing her wrists, but Emily held them in place.

"The truth."

Alison gave her a fearful look of disbelief. "Emily," she nervously glanced down to her leg.

"You don't have to tell her about that," Emily soothed. "Not right away. Not until you're ready."

Alison swallowed thickly.

"You are going to have to start letting her in again," the swimmer said. "She's on your side."

"She kept that secret from me _for 10 years._ "

"Maybe part of you will never let that go," Aria acknowledged. "But she's always going to be in your corner even if you don't want her to be. Parents can be just as stupid as us, if not more. They've just had more time to master hiding it."

A smile crept over Alison's face at how blunt her friend could be.

Aria's text tone sounded and she glanced at her phone. "That's Ezra. I have to go see what quote he's whining about now." She pulled the blonde into a hug and gave her a tight squeeze. "Your mom wants to be the person you need. Give her a chance to show you."

Alison said her goodbyes to Aria and shut the front door. Emily led her to the living room sofa and draped the fuzzy throw over them. They sat facing each other, leaning with their arms propped up on the back of the couch.

The blonde's hold on the swimmer's hand remained a tight grip, even as her body began to sag under the weight of her breakdown. Emily chuckled at how adorable Alison's yawn was. These days were taxing in every way so there had been a lot of them.

Alison didn't like to let herself fall asleep before the brunette. She hated knowing that there was always a possibility that the next time she opened her eyes, Emily wouldn't be there.

Emily tilted her head, "What?"

Alison hesitated, "Can you stay here with me tonight?"

"Yeah," the swimmer smiled softly. "Let me run home and get a few things and then I'll be right back, okay?" She leaned in and pecked the blonde.

"Mhmm," Alison hummed sleepily, letting her eyes flutter closed now that she knew Emily was coming back. "I do have to let my mom in." She pulled the blanket up to her neck. "You're going to let your dad back in."

Emily smirked to herself, "Eventually," she whispered.

# # #

The sound of glass crunching jerked Alison's body out of sleep 20 minutes later. She rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and jumped slightly when she saw Jason coming in from the kitchen.

"Hey," Jason greeted the startled blonde holding her hand to her chest. "Long day?"

Alison scoffed, "One of many." She pulled out her phone to shoot a quick text to Emily. "What are you doing here?"

Jason crossed into the living room and sat down on the edge of the coffee table in front of her.

Alison saw the concerned look on his face and knew what was coming. She wasn't expecting to have to explain herself this soon.

"Ali, what happened upstairs?"

"Jason…"

"Don't you dare lie to me," he warned. "Okay? I just filled 2 garbage bags with 90% of your mirror, half of the crap from your vanity, _and part of your wall._ "

"I just…" both their eyes traveled down to the blood stained gauze wrapped around her hand. "I came home, I was angry with myself and I couldn't control what I was doing."

"You were angry with yourself so you _demolished_ your room?"

"God, I don't need you to make me feel worse about it than I already do."

"I'm not _trying_ to make you feel worse, I'm trying to understand. I don't think there's anything that you could ever do that would be worth hurting yourself—"

"It's not like this is the first time I've hurt myself, Jason!" Alison snapped and immediately regretted it. She hoped what she said would be taken as _hurt in general_ , but the destroyed look on her brother's face told her that he caught the implication.

Jason glanced up and Alison turned around to her mother staring at her, ruined by what she had just heard.

The blonde turned back around and ducked her head, leaning forward and cupping the back of her neck with her hands. "This is not how you were supposed to find out." She stared at the floor, eyes locked on Jason's shoes. She felt the couch dip next to her and her heart began to beat out of her chest.

"Alison, sweetie," Jessica hedged, "what did you mean this wasn't the first time."

Alison lifted her head slowly, "You don't need me to spell it out for you." She made eye contact with Jessica. "And I don't really think you want me to."

"How long has this been happening?"

"It doesn't matter, I haven't cut for a month," the blonde tried to sate her mother's apprehension.

Jessica flinched at hearing her daughter's methods and reached for her phone. "We have to tell the doctors about this."

" _No!_ " Alison grabbed her mother's wrist in a panic. The pounding in her chest, and sitting up from her nap too fast, created a nauseating throbbing against her eardrums. "They can't know! They'll put me back in inpatient!"

"How am I supposed to know that you won't cut again? You just told Jason you couldn't control what you did."

"Because I promised Emily," she willed her mother to believe that she wasn't that kind of danger to herself anymore.

"Emily knows?" She wasn't sure why she asked. Of course Emily knew.

Alison only interacted with Jessica long enough to exchange half-hearted pleasantries, as if she were running into an old friend after 10 years. She thought that Alison had forgiven her when she hugged her during discharge, but she was starting to get the feeling that maybe she never would. Not completely.

"Mom, if you tell the doctors it's only gonna make it worse." She saw flashes of the bank sign and remembered what it felt like to cry herself to sleep that first night. Somewhere in her head she knew that her mother loved her, but that didn't stop her from feeling like she had been thrown away. "I can't go back…" Like she was the experiment that went wrong. "I won't come home again if I go back." Alison's voice cracked as the tears from that night sprang to her eyes. "Please don't send me away again."

Jessica hoped Alison couldn't see her tears through her own. When she called the ambulance to take Alison for emergency intake, it was because she didn't know what else to do. If she had just let her continue to stay home, Dalton would have called child services. She didn't think she had a choice, and maybe she didn't. But now she could see that the hospitalization damaged her in irreparable ways that she would never be able to understand.

She put her phone away and put her hand on Alison's leg. "Okay," she nodded. The blonde let go of her wrist. "There's no manual for this, Alison, but _I am_ here for you. I always have been. All you have to do is tell me what you need and I will always try to find a way to make it happen. _Always._ "

Alison sniffled and allowed her mother to hug her for the first time since she was discharged from 21 West. "Aria said you'd always be there even if I didn't want you to be."

A loving smile took over Jessica's face and she placed a kiss to her daughter's forehead, "Sweetie, where do you think you get your hardheadedness from?"

Alison's phone went off and she instantly recognized the swimmer's ringtone. "It's Emily," she fumbled for the device. "I'll call her back in a minute."

Jessica smoothed the back of Alison's hair, "I'll leave you to it."

Jason silently moved from the coffee table and replaced Jessica on the couch, unsure of how to carry on a conversation after that. He didn't actually know if Alison wanted him there right now, but sometimes his presence was all she needed. She was really the only reason he came back to visit. He felt guilty that when she needed him most, he wasn't there.

Alison took a deep breath. "You didn't have to clean all that up," she said apologetically. "I would have done it when I woke up."

"I know, I wanted to. My little sister was hurting."

"More than after you watched _The Brave Little Toaster,_ " Alison said, letting her impeccable sardonicism show.

"My emotional response was completely healthy," he contended lightly. "That movie was a tearjerker."

"Mhmm," Alison smirked. She took great pleasure in reminding Jason that the first time she saw him cry was because of a sad toaster.

"And hey, I'm not saying you should make a habit out of this, but next time, break that ugly bowl in the dining room that Mom won't get rid of," he teased, nudging his sister's shoulder, causing her to playfully roll her eyes.

It felt good to know that she and Jason could still fall into their old banter. She tapped Emily's name and pressed the phone to her ear, smiling when she heard the brunette pick up.

"Ali?" Emily's voice pattered through the speaker. "I'll be there soon. Are you okay?"

Alison smiled into the phone at her girlfriend's concern. She could imagine the cute thing the brunette did with her eyebrows when she was worried. "I'm fine, baby."

"I thought her name was Emily," Jason cracked.

Alison rolled her eyes again and whacked him in the chest with her non-injured hand.

"Ow," he muttered, rubbing his chest. "No more picking fights with emotionally disturbed sisters."

# # #

Emily put away the few groceries for her mother that extended her little trip home and jogged up the stairs, past her parents' bedroom.

"Emmy, is that you?" her father's voice called out.

She cringed and paced back a few steps. Things hadn't gotten any less awkward between them since she blew up at him at dinner. Other than the basic salutations, she hadn't really talked to her father—not the way she'd hoped she would when he got back.

"I'm just picking up a few things. I'm staying at Ali's tonight."

"Is she alright?"

Emily puffed her cheeks out as she exhaled, "I don't know." She saw another question about to leave his mouth and started toward her room again before he could ask it.

She sorted through her drawers, packing a change of clothes for the next day and changing into sleep shorts and a tank top. It was 35 degrees outside, but she would just be cold for the few seconds it took to run to and from her car. She reached for her phone charger, but remembered that she bought an extra to leave in each of their rooms. They learned their lesson from having to live with bricks in their pockets the day after spending the night at the other's house.

When she was done, she hiked her bag over her shoulder and made her way out. The sound of a book's page turning reminded her of her father's presence. She slowed her steps as she approached the bedroom door, contemplating going in and having the talk that was so blatantly inevitable that Alison could point it out while slipping in and out of consciousness. Avoiding him like the plague might have been hurtful, but she couldn't see a way to easily break through the wall that had seemingly erected out of nowhere.

There wasn't an easy way. This had gone on long enough and she was tired of waiting for one of them to bite the bullet.

"Dad?" she stepped into the doorway.

Wayne put his book down, "Yes, baby?"

"Um…" She stood nervously in the doorway, shifting on her feet, cursing herself for not planning something out before starting this conversation. "Uh…Mona's back at school. That girl I told you about from inpatient. Like you said, therapy and the right meds and she'd be ready to re-join society." She wanted an easy in to this talk, but did she really just say the most irrelevant thing she could think of?

Wayne nodded in understanding, patting Pam's side of the mattress.

Emily reluctantly uncrossed her arms and dropped her shoulders as she made her way over to the bed. She sat crosslegged with her back against the headboard and let Wayne pull the duvet up.

"You didn't come in here to talk about Mona, Emmy," Wayne said, conversant with his daughter's tactics for dodging conversations like this.

Emily looked down and fidgeted with her fingers. "I came in because…" She squeeze and pulled each knuckle until she heard it realign, something she learned from her physical therapist after the shoulder injury.

"Because what?" he pushed gently.

" _Not talking_ …isn't working."

"I know how hard things have been for you—"

"No you don't," Emily quickly opposed in a half-sneer, half-frown. "You don't know anything about me anymore."

"What?" Wayne chuckled, dismissing the absurd statement. "You're Emily Fields, my little girl. I'd know you anywhere. I've got a picture of you in my wallet."

"I'm 8 years old in that picture," Emily tried to reason. "I'm not that innocent, sweet little girl anymore. _I'm not. I can't be._ "

"It's the same girl. It just needs a new picture."

" _You saw_ what I did at dinner the other week." Emily grimaced and clenched her fists in frustration, but did her best to stay calm. "I didn't even know I had picked it up until she told me to put it down."

Wayne realized she was talking about Nate. "Emmy."

" _I killed someone,_ " Emily painfully let out, her voice shaky. She hated saying it out loud. The way it made her feel like she needed to run to the bathroom to clean blood off her hands. The way the words clawed their way out of the pit of her stomach and burned a trail up her throat, making her feel like she had to vomit every time she said it. Everything about it felt wrong.

"You and your mother were attacked."

"Someone had a _life_. Someone was _a living_ , _breathing_ _person_ , and I…" Emily's breath caught in her throat. She couldn't bring herself to say it again.

"You killed someone," he reaffirmed. Though he never wanted her to join the army, he used to wonder how his daughter would manage. Emily had an inner beast, an inner fire, ready to go up in a blaze if she needed to defend herself or someone she loved. She had the forthrightness and discipline of a good soldier, and if not for her botched rotator cuff, the athleticism for close-quarters combat.

Wayne had no doubt that, if it came down to it, she would be able to pull the trigger, but Emily inherited Pam's wholeheartedness and overactive conscience. These were not bad characteristics by any means, Wayne loved that in the two women he held closest to his heart, but it was these traits that led him to believe Emily wouldn't fare well in a branch of the military that required extinguishing a life. Now, watching the guilt eating his daughter alive, he had obviously been right.

"I know he was going to hurt Mom. In my head, I know. But then I close my eyes and I can still see myself…holding that knife…"

It pained Wayne to hear his daughter speaking like this, exactly like some of his army buddies, able to describe every haunting detail they were hung up on like it was yesterday.

"And I can still feel what it felt like when it…"

He noticed her scrunching up the edge of the duvet and brought her into his arms, "My brave soldier."

"I'm not fighting for the country."

"No, but you're gonna change the world someday. Your mother and I both know it. Alison _definitely_ does," he chuckled and then paused. "I don't wanna be a source of pain for you, Emmy. I wanna be your dad. It's your war, your command." Wayne placed a kiss to Emily's temple, "Just lead me through and I'll follow."

She nodded against his chest that boomed with his soothing deep voice. She registered the analogy he'd used and pulled back. "How did you know about the war thing?"

"Alison may have said something to me last week," Wayne admitted.

"Of course she did," Emily said, a delighted smile spreading across her lips.

"She's…charming," he considered his words for a moment. " _And_ intimidating."

"She said the same thing about you." Alison and Wayne were more alike than they realized—protective, sharp, and _frighteningly_ intimidating. Granted, Wayne liked to be more upfront, and Alison could take people's heads for a spin without even trying, though she didn't have much energy for it lately.

"She also called you her Mermaid," Wayne smirked, remembering the times he would call Emily that when she was a little girl. "She said she wishes she could have seen you swim and that if she has anything to say about it, she will."

Emily sighed. Even Alison's love was stubborn.

"That girl loves you, Emmy," Wayne said almost disbelievingly, sensing her discomfort and changing the subject. He was blown away by Alison's love for Emily, not by the fact that it existed, but by its depth and sheer endlessness.

Emily smiled. "That girl is my heart."

"Go," Wayne nodded to the door, smiling back and lightly pinching her cheek, "I know she's waiting for you."

# # #

"Emily, dear," Jessica greeted sweetly as she put on her coat, "I told you, you don't have to ring the doorbell. You're always welcome here."

Emily smiled politely, "Hi, Ms. D."

"Alison went upstairs," Jessica adjusted her hair. "I'm working late tonight and Jason had to go back up to Syracuse, he'll be back in a few days," she said searching for her keys, getting ready to leave. "She wasn't hungry or willing to talk much when I asked, but see if you can get her to eat something. I don't think she's in the mood to cook, so I left some money on the counter for takeout."

Emily cordially agreed for the sake of not holding up the rushed woman and moved to the side to let her out of the house. Alison was more stubborn than her and she would not eat anything if she wasn't hungry.

She made her way up the stairs and stopped when she didn't see any light coming from under the door. She opened it quietly in case the blonde was sleeping and found her staring at the hole she had punched in the wall. Closing the door behind her, she locked it as gently as possible so she didn't startle Alison. "Hey."

The blonde turned around and padded over to her, smiling softly as she took the swimmer's bag and set it down before bringing her arms around her neck.

"I can help you fix that wall," Emily offered.

"You certainly aren't diminishing the lesbian stereotype." Alison got on her toes and pressed her lips to Emily's, now barefoot with no heel or wedge to make up the height difference.

"Maybe it'll show a little less when I become a lumberjack in the glorious mountains of Montana."

Alison tilted her head from side to side, "You do wear a lot of flannels."

"You love my flannels," Emily defended in a playful whine.

"I do,"Alison chuckled against the brunette's lips and lowered her heels back down to the floor.

Emily inspected the blonde's face, frowning slightly. "You've been crying again."

Alison nodded slowly. "I told my mom and Jason about the uh…the cutting."

Emily squeezed Alison's hip, shocked that she had told both of them, but happy that they finally knew. "I thought you would have started with Jason."

"I would have," the blonde agreed. "He was always easier to talk to."

No matter what she did, Jason made it a priority to treat her like she could never disappoint him. She needed to get unconditional love from somewhere and it wasn't going to come from Kenneth. Of course there was Jessica, but she was usually too caught up in trying to figure out why her marriage was sinking. Even as a little boy, Jason would try to stay home from school because he felt like he had to take care of his baby sister. Kenneth's neglect forced him to grow up quickly, for no one other than Alison.

"I didn't actually mean to tell either of them. Jason was asking me what happened in here after he cleaned up all the glass—he's probably the reason why that mirror from the bathroom is sitting there," she pointed to her vanity, "I ended up blurting it out to him. She just happened to walk in when it got good," the blonde said facetiously.

"What did she say?"

"Well, she almost called the doctors to have me sent back to inpatient."

"What?" Emily's eyes widened at the thought of Alison being hauled off again. "You talked her out of it?"

"I told her I made a promise to you," Alison confessed.

"Why did _that_ stop her?"

Alison smiled at the endearing confusion furrowed at Emily's brow. "Because I break promises to myself. I can't break promises to you," Alison said honestly. The brunette smiled back at her and she placed another kiss to her girlfriend's soft lips. "Let me get changed," she slipped out of Emily's arms and went over to her closet. "What took you so long?" she asked.

Emily put her shoes to the side and plopped herself down on the bed, resting her back against the headboard and absentmindedly tracing the buttons of the old-timey phone on the side table. "I had to pick up groceries for my mom and then I had a weird talk with my dad." The swimmer looked over at Alison who was standing in front of the open wardrobe, trying to remember what she had opened it for. "PJs," she prompted.

"Ah," the blonde remembered. "Thanks. Good weird or bad weird?" Alison asked, rummaging through the bottom of her closet, fishing out a tank top and the Sharks sweatpants.

"I don't know," the brunette shrugged. "Both? He called me a soldier," Emily said quizzically.

Alison closed the closet doors and carried the sweats and tank top across the room, setting them down on the dressing table. "Aren't you?" the blonde queried, unbuttoning her cardigan.

"It's hard to see it that way right now."

"So just a mermaid then?" Alison joked lightly, pulling her top over her head.

"No." The brunette didn't foresee the conversation going this way, but the answer was out before she had time to think.

"Since when?"

Emily sat up, looking down and playing with her fingers. "Since I can't swim." All of the trophies and medals she had ever won were crammed in a box and stored in the attic. After she tore her rotator cuff, she made her mom remove almost everything pool related from her room, only keeping a few things like the swim apparel tucked away in her drawers.

"That tattoo on your neck begs to differ," Alison stated as she stepped out of her jeans. "Isn't that why you got it?"

Emily didn't answer, sucking in and biting her bottom lip as she tried to keep the tears at bay. The reminders of her success became too painful to look at every day, eventually becoming reminders of loss. And God, would it make her sick if this damn tattoo became one of them.

Alison turned around, frowning at the sight of tears brimming in the swimmer's eyes. She slipped out of her bra as she walked over to the bed and used her knee to hoist herself onto the mattress to straddle Emily.

The brunette moved her hands out of the way, instinctively resting them on Alison's hips. Her eyes traveled up from the waistband of the blonde's panties, to her supple breasts, and finally to her cerulean blue orbs. Emily sighed up at her girlfriend, "What are you doing?"

Alison kissed the corner of Emily's mouth, letting her hands roam over her shoulders until her arms were wrapped around the brunette. She ducked her head down into the crook of Emily's neck, and pressed her lips to the tattoo that adorned the olive skin.

"You're going to swim again."

"Ali," Emily croaked. She stammered her words out, taken back by the sudden rasp in her voice. "I told you, that's not…even if I could…"

"We'll find a way to get you back in the water," the blonde murmured.

Emily couldn't protest, pulling Alison closer and splaying her fingers as she ran them over the blonde's back, wrapping her other arm completely around Alison's waist to grip the side of her hip. She rested her head against the blonde's collar bone and allowed the gated tears to fall.

Alison bridled a whimper for Emily, feeling the droplets skim down the side of her breast and down her rib cage, finally understanding how much not being able to swim was hurting her. "You're going to swim again, Mermaid," she reiterated. "I promise."

Neither girl knew how long they stayed like this, Alison lost in the warmth of Emily's hands running up and down the length of her back, Emily breathing her in, absorbed in the feeling of having Alison so open and gentle.

Alison pulled away to place a tender kiss to the swimmer's lips. When Emily lightly scratched the small of her back, what she thought was supposed to be the most innocent of touches sent heat straight to her core and had her arching herself into the brunette. "Em," she dug her nails into the nape of Emily's neck.

The brunette captured Alison's lips again as her hand moved to her breasts, her fingers flitting over the tip of the nipple, massaging it to a tender peak, while the others raked down her abdomen, down to the heat radiating through her black panties.

The blonde shifted so she could get up to take them off, but the swimmer held her in place. "I'll buy you new ones," she whispered. Not giving Alison any time to respond, she made two quick tears to the fabric and threw the ripped garment across the room, eliciting a gasp from the blonde as the cool air hit her aching flesh.

Alison tugged at the hem of Emily's top, assisting her in pulling it over her head and throwing it to the floor where it joined her now shredded panties. The brunette fumbled with the clasp of her bra for a bit, growling in frustration until Alison took pity on her and reached around to release the stubborn catch.

Emily heaved a sigh of relief and reveled in the feeling of Alison's bare chest pressed to hers. The blonde let out a breathy moan at the skin to skin contact, her lips gently caressing the brunette's, their tongues occasionally slipping past into the other's mouth.

Alison felt Emily run a fingertip through her wet folds and she bit her bottom lip. "Em," she breathed. Her eyes fluttered closed as she lowered herself onto the swimmer's nimble fingers.

The brunette guided her hips forward, building a slow and steady rhythm, each of her breaths growing heavier than the last.

Emily expertly circled Alison's clit with her thumb, easily finding her sweet spot with every thrust into her dripping center. A familiar pressure started to build and Emily could feel Alison tightening around her fingers. She reached a hand up to thread her fingers through Alison's hair, pulling the blonde's plump lips to her own.

The blonde let out a muffled moan into Emily's mouth and looked down as she rocked her hips in tandem with Emily, watching the brunette's coated fingers slowly pump in and out of her.

"Em…" Alison moaned Emily's name, her mumbling too incoherent for Emily to understand anything else.

She dropped her head down to Emily's shoulder as the brunette continued to work her sensitive nub, her walls now clenching around her doting fingers. Her breaths came in small gasps against Emily's neck as the slow waves of ecstasy began to roll through her body.

Emily eased her pace, maintaining a gentle rhythm in Alison until the pulsing between her legs subsided. Her fingers flexed over Alison's curves, warming every spot she touched, making them forget about how cold it was. She still couldn't believe the way the blonde melted under every stroke, graze, and grope.

She listened to Alison's breathing as it gradually evened out, her forehead resting between the blonde's breasts. A slight gasp escaped Alison's lips as wet fingertips slick with her arousal brushed over her scars. "So beautiful," Emily said softly, and she could've sworn Alison's heart skipped a beat.

That never got old, no matter how many times she heard the brunette say it. "Your eyes aren't even open."

Emily placed a kiss between the soft swells, "I don't need to see it to believe it."

Alison's entire body shuddered at the touch of the brunette's lips and she held Emily's neck tighter to steady herself. She leaned down and pressed her lips to the brunette's, gazing down at her girl with a loving smile.

"Come here," she whispered, lazily moving off of Emily's lap and pulling the brunette down with her. She kicked the linens slightly and pulled the comforter up, creating a vessel of warmth from their bodies in the middle of the crisp air that filled her room. Alison lay on her back, taking in the divine goddess hovering over her.

"What would I do without you here?" The swimmer breathed, taking soft sips of the creamy skin as she settled herself half on top of the blonde.

Alison ran her fingers through Emily's hair and lightly scratched her scalp, "Probably never sleep." The brunette hummed out a chuckle, her warm breath tickling the girl beneath her as it grazed over her chest.

Alison cupped the side of Emily's jaw, allowing herself to indulge in the pleasure of having her girl's weight on her, gently caressing Emily's damp cheek as she showered her face with light kisses.

She counted Emily's breaths to sleep, certain that she would be up all night too if the brunette wasn't there.


	12. Home Is Where The Heart Is

**AN** : I'd recommend re-reading chapter 11 if you don't remember what happened. I never intended for there to be a 7 month hiatus, but I don't think any of you are strangers to life getting in the way. As always, feel free to drop me a review. I love hearing from you!

* * *

Alison lay comfortably on her stomach, sleeping with Emily's warm front pressed snugly to her back, shielding most of her body from the brisk draft that flowed through the DiLaurentis residence.

Emily began to ease out of sleep, smiling as she awoke surrounded by the scent of the silky blonde tresses tickling her nose. She felt around for her phone on the side table, careful not to wake the girl sleeping soundly beneath her, and turned her alarms off, sparing them the audial murder of the phone's wake-up tones.

The swimmer wrapped her arm around Alison's waist and pressed her lips to her shoulder blade, leisurely working her way up to her neck. "Morning," she whispered as something above Alison's left shoulder caught her eye. She placed a kiss to the spot, pretty sure she knew what it was. She was honestly surprised that she had never noticed it before, almost certain that she had explored every part of the blonde's body, though it was usually when the room was darker.

Alison stirred and lifted her head from the pillow to face the lips coaxing her out of her peaceful slumber, mumbling something that vaguely resembled _good morning_. "What time is it?" she murmured through her sleepy haze.

"It's still a little early."

"Do we have time to stay like this for a little longer?"

"Yeah," Emily nodded and smiled as she tucked a loose strand of hair behind Alison's ear. "You look like you slept well."

The blonde smiled back at the brunette. "I sleep better when you're here."

"I know." Emily angled her head down and pressed a tender kiss to the blonde's lips.

Being with Alison helped her sleep, and she realized that it was a two-way street soon after they left inpatient. Whether her strong, loving embrace or her body draped over her restless form; she was Alison's steady anchor. Not seeing the blonde's side of the covers disheveled and shoved down when she woke up was evidence enough.

"I like you like this."

"Naked?" Alison smirked.

"I was going to say natural, without makeup, but naked works too."

She was joking, but the words could not have been more true. Emily loved every curve, scar and freckle on Alison's breathtaking figure. If only Alison could see herself through Emily's eyes, the brunette was sure that then she would never feel self-conscious.

"Any dreams?" the swimmer asked, brushing Alison's blonde curls to the side and massaging her neck with her thumb.

"Just one."

"About me?" Emily teased.

Alison chuckled as the brunette peppered her neck with soft kisses. "About my uncle."

"Richard? On Kenneth's side?"

The blonde nodded, impressed that the brunette remembered every little detail about her. "My dad _hated_ him," she laughed. Richard was such a sweet guy, and more of a father to her than Kenneth ever was.

Whenever her mom had time to take her to his tiny studio apartment in Manhattan, she'd jump at the opportunity to paint with him. He would teach her how to stretch a canvas and even let her use the staple gun. She loved getting her hands on all the brushes, oil pencils and fountain pens.

Aside from the time she spent with Aria, or cooking with her mother, it was the only time she didn't feel the need to think. Even though he'd say things that didn't make sense and always had trash bags taped to the ceiling because he thought there were spy cameras, she felt safe with him.

She felt Emily's lips falter, and frowned as the brunette lay her cheek on the back of her shoulder. "Em?"

"Hmm?" The swimmer responded casually, trying to play it off.

"What's wrong?" Alison inquired lightly. "And don't say—"

"Nothing," the two spoke simultaneously.

Emily blushed at being so predictable, glad that Alison couldn't see her face right now.

"Em," Alison lowered her voice and Emily recognized her tone of finality. She listened to Emily sigh, watching the brunette out of the corner of her eye as she moved her head into full view, glowering when she saw hesitant brown eyes looking at her.

"Ali, did your dad smoke?"

Alison gave Emily a confused look. "Em, I know smoking isn't great, but it doesn't exactly top the list of things that made him a shit dad."

"But he did?" Emily pressed, needing absolute confirmation.

"Yeah." Alison nodded, now with more concern in her eyes.

Emily looked up at the ceiling, trying to conceal the sadness and disappointment sinking into her heart.

"Em, please just tell me."

"I used to spend a lot of time after school at the station with my mom."

Alison remained silent to see where the brunette was going with this.

"I probably saw a lot of things I shouldn't have—evidence from child abuse cases, sometimes pictures and stuff."

"Okay," Alison said skeptically, still unsure of where this was headed.

"These marks right here," the brunette ran her hand up to the back of Alison's left shoulder, stroking the area with her thumb.

"My birthmarks?" Alison questioned, slightly relieved, thinking that they were moving back into benign territory.

"Ali," a pained Emily shut her eyes. "They're not birthmarks."

"What?" Alison said confusedly. Those marks had been there for as long as she could remember. How could something, so permanent on her body, not be what she had thought. Her dad had told her—

"I guess they've faded over time, but…"

Alison felt that sinking feeling in her chest and gripped the underside of her pillow to brace herself for what she probably already knew deep down.

"They're cigarette burns." Emily thought she would be angry once she said it out loud, but she wasn't. She was just sad, because Alison deserved a good dad and she didn't understand why the world couldn't just give Alison a break. "Ali, please say something." Emily watched Alison's expressions change as conflicting emotions fought for dominance.

She adjusted herself further over Alison's back, slipping her arms around the blonde's. Alison sighed at the warmth pressed against her and interlaced their fingers under the pillow.

"I'm sorry," Emily murmured against Alison's neck. "I didn't mean to upset you." The blonde didn't respond and now the brunette was starting to wonder if telling her the truth was the right move. "Should I not have told you that?"

Alison pictured a small body lying face down on Kenneth's lap, jerking when the first bud hit the smoothest, unblemished, baby soft skin. He did stab her, why wouldn't he use her as an ash tray too? It was a fitting image considering everything he'd done from the time she was born. She must have known that it was her, but her mind struggled to reconcile that infant as herself. "I know I shouldn't be surprised, but I am."

Emily sighed regretfully, "I shouldn't have told you."

"No, I'm glad that you told me," Alison quickly assured. "I just…" The brunette waited patiently for her to gather her thoughts, rubbing a consoling hand along her side. "Jason used to say that if you peel back someone's layers, you usually find a person underneath. With me, I keep peeling, I just keep finding new layers. I don't know where they end and I begin."

The room was silent for a moment and then Alison felt a slight twitch from Emily. "Don't make that face."

"What face?" Emily quickly changed her expression, forgetting that Alison couldn't actually see her.

"The face you make when you feel bad for me," Alison explained.

"I don't feel bad for you," the brunette moved off of the blonde, facing her on her side. "You may not be able to see it yourself, but I know exactly who you are."

"Do you?" Alison said with thinly veiled doubt.

"I have a pretty good idea," the brunette smirked.

"Which is?"

Emily smiled mischievously. "Time to get up," she said, stealing a kiss from the blonde's lips before attempting to move out from under the covers. The blonde grabbed her wrist and gave her a stern look.

"Uh uh. You don't get to say something like that and then just—"

In a split second, Alison found herself being pressed back into the sheets, letting a small moan slip past the brunette's lips as Emily's thigh rubbed against her center. Emily trailed her skilled fingers down Alison's abdomen, her nails lightly scratching the surface until she reached her core. Alison gasped through parted lips as the brunette swept over her clit and rolled it between two fingers.

"Em…" She whimpered and turned her head to give Emily access to her neck. She began to rock her hips, desperate for any kind of friction. Her fingers wrapped around the brunette's neck and dug in as she pulled her in closer. "Fuck."

Emily's lips curved up against Alison's neck. "Shh," she hushed, lightly kissing the blonde's shoulder. Just as she felt Alison's legs wrapping around her waist, she pushed herself off the mattress and scampered over to her bag near the door. She pulled out a change of clothes and laughed with an amused smile on her face when she heard Alison groaning "I hate you" into her pillow.

# # #

"Em," Alison called as she descended the stairs.

Emily swallowed a sip of coffee and called back, "Yeah?"

"Did I take the Remeron last night?"

"Umm…" Emily tried to think back to the previous night and glanced down to Jessica's cup, "Are you still working on that?" Jessica nodded and the brunette got up to wash her mug, after washing the other dishes in the sink first, just one of the ways she took after Pam.

"Em," Alison prompted again as she entered the kitchen.

"Hmm?" Emily looked up from the sink, smiling when she saw Alison carrying her coat, dressed in jeans and a simple blouse.

Alison moseyed over to Emily and hugged one of her toned biceps, reposing her cheek on the swimmer's good shoulder while she watched her rinse some bowls that had been soaking overnight. "I asked if you remember me taking the Remeron last night," she repeated patiently.

Re-prompting and reminding were things they regularly had to do. If there was a stereotype for what an ADHD couple looked like, they were it. It was a part of them that anyone else would get fed up with, but it wasn't something either of them thought to notice in each other.

"Oh. No, I don't think you did. We umm…fell asleep…and I guess you forgot." The brunette was speaking more quietly than normal and wasn't making eye contact.

"Fell asleep?" If the scratches she left on Emily's neck were any indication, they did not just _fall asleep_. Confusion knit at Alison's brow until she heard her mother clearing her throat, alerting the blonde of her presence. "Got it," she whispered. Jessica wasn't the most strict parent, but she was a teaser and Alison wasn't sure that Emily's face could handle blood rush in that capacity.

"Your Concerta is right there," Emily said cocking her chin towards the tablet she had taken out for Alison, the casual tone returning to her voice. "You can take it with the rest of my coffee if you want."

With a free hand, the blonde popped the pill into her mouth and quickly downed it large gulp of the lukewarm brew, grimacing when the bitter taste reminded her that she was a tea drinker and didn't like coffee. She only ever tolerated the second hand taste when she was kissing Emily.

The swimmer chuckled at the blonde squeezing her arm and making a face of disgust. "I said _'If you want.'"_

"Yeah, I got that part," Alison said placing the mug down on the counter. "My ears heard you." She grimaced again. "I don't think my brain did."

Emily quickly washed the rest of the dishes and set the last plate on the drying rack. Alison reached over to turn the faucet off, but the brunette flipped it right back up. "We're not done yet."

"What?"

Emily held a hand out over the sink, "We need to keep the cuts clean." The blonde sighed and reluctantly placed her hand in Emily's. The swimmer turned the faucet down slightly and made sure the water was a comfortable temperature before bringing her hand under the gentle stream. She pumped a bit of anti-bacterial soap onto her fingers and waited for Alison's go-ahead.

Alison nodded wordlessly and let Emily carefully rub the soap over the gashes. It stung, but she barely flinched. Self-harm provided a high tolerance for physical pain.

There were years worth of wounds on her body that she had to tend to by herself, some that she didn't care to tend to at all, aside from washing some of the blood off. There were wounds that bled from Kenneth's endless tirades about her being a worthless mistake. Then there were wounds that bled because she believed him and everything had to be her fault. And then there were the wounds that bled because she couldn't fix herself.

But now she wasn't alone. Now Emily was here, _loving_ her and helping her heal in every respect of the word.

Jessica sipped her coffee as she watched the two fondly. Her children were her world and it warmed her heart to watch someone treat her daughter like she was their's. The swimmer went out of her way to make sure Alison was comfortable and as happy as she could be. Nothing could make up for, or erase, a hospitalization, but she met Emily because of it and there was no doubt in Jessica's mind that Emily loved Alison as much as she did.

Alison had never been good about taking care of herself when she was depressed, and she was even worse about letting other people take care of her. She knew that Alison opening up to her a bit yesterday didn't repair their relationship, she hadn't even told her about the cutting on purpose, but it was a step, and right now that's all she needed.

Before Jessica could notice her daughters crestfallen face, Emily was already drying their hands and tilting Alison's chin up.

"You have nothing to be embarrassed about," the swimmer promised. She gingerly took Alison's hand in her own and stroked her thumb just below her wounded knuckles. "If anything, this should warn people not to mess with you," the brunette teased Alison in a successful attempt to make her smile.

The blonde smoothly drew the lapels of the brunette's jacket closer, pulling her into a sweet kiss.

Emily happily complied, but remembered that they weren't alone and subtilely tilted her head in Jessica's direction.

Alison shook her head. "I don't care," she whispered honestly.

Jessica got up from her seat at the island and carefully approached the couple, studying the brunette as she placed her mug next to the sink.

She started into the living room and stopped just beside Emily, deliberately brushing their shoulders together.

Emily visibly tensed and Alison knew that her heart was pounding viciously. Her mother had made her liking of Emily pretty clear and welcomed her with open arms, but there wasn't a soul that the woman couldn't frighten if she tried, and thanks to the brunette's anxiety, she didn't have to try very hard.

She leaned closer to Emily's ear and the brunette retracted her hands from Alison's waist, trying to put a respectable distance between them while hastily avoiding eye contact.

"Mom," Alison warned.

For a split second, she considered asking about the cigarette burns, but decided against it. That talk would have to wait, should she ever decide to have it.

"Knock it off, let her breathe." She took a step toward Emily, cradling her hand in her own, and closed the distance between them. "She's just messing with you."

Jessica cracked a smile, allowing Emily to let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. She squeezed Alison's hand and brought her mug to her lips.

"Relax, dear, I don't care what you two do." The older DiLaurentis pat the brunette on the back as she walked out of the kitchen, "Just as long as one of you pops out a grandkid for me."

Emily nearly did a spit take and forced her self to choke down the sip of coffee.

"You should probably avoid fluids when you talk to her."

# # #

The drive to the hospital was quiet, the only thing heard being the steady rumbling of the engine. Alison was wrapped up in the Sharks blanket that Emily kept in the car, her legs curled up on the seat and her head leaning on Emily's shoulder.

The brunette usually liked to chat while she drove, or rather listen to others talk, but she didn't mind the quiet with Alison. She hadn't even been driving for two minutes when she felt Alison slump against her across the console. A full night's sleep had evidently not been enough to recover from yesterday's meltdown.

Emily pulled into the parking lot behind the hospital and checked the time. They had a few minutes to spare before it was time to head up so she left the engine running to let Alison sleep some more.

Not five minutes had past when she saw Hanna and Spencer pull into the spot next to them. Hanna excitedly got out of the passenger seat and Emily knew what she was about to do.

"Ali," she gently shook the blonde's shoulder trying to wake her before Hanna could do it herself in a less favorable manner. Alison murmured something Emily couldn't quite make out and shifted, resting her head on the seatbelt mechanism. The brunette glanced up at the very much awake-Hanna nearing the car, and shook the blonde once more. "Ali."

Emily knew her last-ditch effort was about to fail, wincing as Hanna slapped her hand on the glass near the blonde's ear.

Alison's body jolted, causing her head to thud against the cold hard glass. She groaned and held her hand to the side of her head, not pleased with the way she was being woken up. She tried to look through the window and had to blink a few times before she could see straight. When her vision cleared, she was met with Hanna covering her mouth to suppress her laughter and Spencer a couple paces behind, mouthing an apology on the blonde's behalf.

She watched Spencer pull Hanna away and turned back to Emily who smiled sheepishly.

Alison rubbed her temple and grumbled, "I prefer waking up to neck kisses."

Emily cupped the side of Alison's face, brushing her thumb over the spot where a light bruise was likely to form. "You'll live," she determined.

Alison rolled her eyes and leaned in to kiss Emily. The brunette smiled amusedly into the kiss and gently pulled Alison's hand toward her, encouraging her to climb over the console and onto her lap. The blonde easily obliged, straddling the swimmer while being careful not to lean back into the horn.

As Alison felt Emily's hands traveling down her hips, she remembered where they were and gently pushed the brunette's shoulders back. "Hanna and Spence are probably waiting."

Emily's smile widened and she squeezed lightly as she found the back of the blonde's thighs, pressing their lips together to hush her girl's worries. She paused when she remembered the scar from Alison's stab wound and pulled back. "Can I ask you something?"

"Now?" Alison breathed, her lips busy trailing along Emily's jaw.

"Ali." The brunette said more seriously, bringing Alison's hand from around her neck. The blonde ceased her ministrations and waited for the brunette to look back up at her. When she did, she saw hesitance and love and knew that this wasn't light subject matter.

"What did you do after Kenneth hurt you?"

The blonde paused. "Which time?" she deadpanned.

"You know which time," Emily replied softly. She knew Alison was using humor to cope. She wasn't entirely sure why she was asking, couldn't fathom experiencing something like that. She'd like to say she would have tried to fight back, but she honestly had no idea what she'd really do in that situation, what her first course of action would have been.

Alison nodded slowly and continued to play with the brunette's fingers while she thought back to that day. "Well," she sighed heavily when she was ready to answer. "I kept pressure on it until it clotted enough for me to move. It felt more like a slash than a stab, but the wound was still short and deep."

"You never had a doctor look at it?"

Alison shook her head. "Em, there was no way I was getting a bill like that past my mom. And he wouldn't have let me go anyway."

"Are you saying Alison DiLaurentis couldn't find a way?" Emily teased lightly.

Alison smiled sadly, "Not that time."

"So, it didn't…" She was obviously fine now, but Emily didn't like the idea of the blonde having a gaping bacteria magnet on her leg.

Alison nodded. "So it probably didn't heal properly."

Though normally one to be concerned about her appearance, Kenneth chucking the blade at her when he was done demoralized her in every way. The last thing on her mind was how the scar would look.

"I just hid the knife and tried to forget it happened," the blonde shrugged.

Emily looked alarmed. "You still have it?"

"It's under my bed, between the mattress and the bed frame."

Emily knew Alison trusted her, but the casualty in Alison's tone worried her deeply. It didn't seem emotionally healthy to be so detached from a trauma like that.

# # #

"Shit it's cold!" Hanna vented, stomping the snow out of the tread of her boots as she stepped out of the elevator. "It was so nice yesterday!"

Spencer took her gloves off and blew into her hands, "There's probably a cold front passing through Pennsylvania."

"A cold-what? You know what, never mind," Hanna waved off. "It feels like mother nature put a heater in front of me and then shoved an icicle up my ass."

The girls' faces contorted in disgust and a bewildered Spencer gaped at the blonde. That was _colorful_ , even for Hanna.

" _Classy_ …you may need to say it again."

Hanna linked her arm with Spencer's and pulled her out of the elevator lobby and down the hall. "It's still better than 'The weather is bipolar,' right?" The brainy brunette rolled her eyes and nodded, almost impressed by Hanna's ability to justify every crude thing she said.

Emily and Alison followed close behind as they entered the day room. Emily counted down the seconds until the blonde's actions shifted to muscle memory. Alison's strides were longer, her breaths were shorter, and she signed her name with incredible efficiency. She did miss a letter in her name, but that was a developmental fault that the ADHD had created when Alison was learning to read and write in elementary school.

Alison filled out a point sheet for herself and Emily, and took the brunette's hand, ready to walk out as fast as possible. Before they could turn to leave, the door opened behind them and Alison felt her skin blanch.

"Good morning, girls," the psychologist greeted in her cheeky voice.

"Good morning, Dr. Kavanaugh," Spencer addressed cordially. She turned her concerned eyes to Alison who was staring at the glazed brick wall, tense, eyes completely unfocused.

"Ali," Emily whispered.

Alison turned her head toward Emily and followed her nod down to their clasped hands. She realized she was crushing Emily's hand and quickly loosened her grip. "Sorry."

Kavanaugh walked over to the kitchen area in the corner of the room and opened the refrigerator. "Do you girls want anything to eat?" She turned around and made eye contact with Alison in a harsh declaration of the question being directed at her.

Alison let go of Emily and stuck her hands in her pockets to conceal her shaking fists. "No thank you," she said politely through gritted teeth.

"You know, they say an army marches on its stomach."

" _Well this army already ate!_ " Alison snapped, the vicious lie flying off her tongue.

Kavanaugh began to raise an eyebrow, but Emily protectively stepped in front of Alison and Spencer interjected before the woman had a chance to properly respond.

"She means that we all stopped at my house for a quick bite to eat before we came here," the brunette fabricated, trying to defuse the situation.

"All of you?" the therapist said, with delighted surprise that Alison didn't buy for a second.

"Yes," Hanna confirmed. " _All of us._ "

"I didn't realize you girls were that close."

"Yeah," Spencer continued, unconvinced. "Sometimes that happens when you're locked in a psych ward together." Hanna hid her reaction to Kavanaugh's disconcerting fake chuckle and motioned for Emily to get Alison out of there.

"Ali, let's go." Emily put her hand over Alison's arm, but the blonde didn't move. "Ali?" Her brow was furrowed like she was in deep thought, but her eyes were unfocused again and directed at the wall, like she had _forgotten_ what she was thinking about. She seemed…frozen, lost even. Emily gently grasped Alison's arm, urging her out of her mindless state. Alison blinked. "Come on."

The two slowly made their way down the hall to the atrium. When Kavanaugh was around, instincts kicked in. She was either on her toes or completely zoned out and she never knew which one was going to happen until she was no longer in the therapist's presence.

She slid onto the picnic bench against the wall and glanced up at Emily sitting across from her.

When their eyes met, Emily's were filled with concern. She studied Alison for a moment. The blonde was stiff; not just her arms and legs, but her chest and abdomen. "Breathe," she gently reminded.

Alison closed her eyes, pushed her hands further into her pockets, and forced herself to zone everything out, allowing her mind to focus on only her breathing and the cold brick pressed to the back of her head.

About a minute had passed when she started to hear Spencer and Hanna's bickering growing closer in the hallway.

"Did you have to do that?!" an irked Hanna demanded.

"What?!" Spencer whisper-shouted. "All I did was _mention_ neurotransmitters."

Hanna rolled her eyes as they entered the large room. "You know too much for your own good." She slapped her point sheet on the table as she sat down next to Alison and let out an exasperated sigh, "That woman would not stop talking."

Alison opened her eyes to a slightly brighter room. She wasn't sure if it was because the first thing she saw was Emily's face or if the flood lights had just warmed up. Maybe both.

"Are you okay?" Hanna asked.

Emily held a hand out over the table and Alison easily placed hers in the brunette's.

Spencer watched Alison take a deep breath as her body relaxed. "I think that's a 'Yes.'"

Hanna peered down at the couple's joined hands; Alison's hands. "Ali, you're bleeding!"

Emily brushed her thumb below Alison's knuckles, noting the bit of fresh blood seeping from the now re-opened gashes. "You must've been squeezing pretty hard in there," she observed calmly.

Alison nodded knowingly. "That tends to happen around her."

"Ali," Spencer exclaimed. "What happened to your hand?"

Joey came over from the other table and frowned when he saw the blood. He turned back at Emily, "Is she okay?"

"Umm…" Emily searched for an answer. This wasn't her story to tell. "Yeah, she'll be fine."

He turned to Alison, unconvinced.

"I'm okay, Joey," she assured him, her voice soft and genuine. "Don't worry about it." She could tell that he didn't really believe her, but he nodded anyway and went to the day room to get breakfast.

"Okay, now tell us what happened to your hand," Hanna demanded.

"Nothing," Alison shook off the question. Lying was so easy…

"Ali," Emily sighed.

…but not with Emily sounding so disappointed in her…

She looked up at the brunette.

…and definitely not when Emily had those brown eyes that could bore through any front she tried to put up.

"Alison, what happened when you left The Grille yesterday?"

"I…" The blonde grimaced in frustration and conceded. "I-I punched my mirror."

"Why did you punch your mirror?"

" _I don't know Spencer_ the ADHD doesn't really consult with me before it does anything!" Alison spat and immediately shook her head, pinching the bridge of her nose as she caught up to herself. She felt Emily gently squeeze her hand. "Sorry."

"It's not your fault," Spencer said sympathetically. "ADHD makes you impulsive."

"Spencer, don't defend—"

"But you're recognizing it, that's good. Emily has snapped at us plenty of times." The blonde quirked an eyebrow at the swimmer. "One time I asked her how she was doing on a trig problem so she threw her eraser at me and it hit me in the eye."

Hanna snorted at the memory and put an arm around Alison. "I'll find you an eraser so you can do that too."

"And another time, she got so frustrated trying to get through a reading that she tore the page out of the book, went back to her room and went to sleep."

Hanna laughed even harder, "And we already told you about what happened with the empanadas."

Emily sat with her mouth agape, "How did this turn into dragging me?" Those memories weren't funny then, but she was glad that some of her misfortune could at least help bring a small smile to Alison's face now.

Joey pattered through the atrium entrance, returning with much more than cereal and milk. "I wet this in the sink for your hand," he handed Alison a damp paper towel. "And, here, in case you need more."

Spencer looked amusedly at the huge ball of paper towels being shoved in Emily's face. "Joey, did you pull the whole thing off the roll?"

"Maybe…Ali, are you _really_ okay?"

Alison smiled at the boy who had such innocent worry in his eyes. "I'm fine." Sometimes she forgot how young he really was. "Thanks, buddy."

The girls, having become quite fond of Joey, treated him like a little brother, protecting him and making sure the staff left him alone. He had enough to worry about at home. Actually, he didn't really _have_ a home. They didn't know all of the details, but what they did know was that he lived with a foster family and rarely got to see his mother.

"Thanks for the towels, Joe," Hanna said, knowing that it made him feel more grown up when they called him that.

Joey grinned proudly at being able to help and sat down to eat his cereal.

# # #

The girls sat in Mr. Dotter's room working through math worksheets with Benny. As everyone settled into the day, Alison felt like something was off. It wasn't her depression. No, her depression was steady, that much she could count on. She thought that maybe it was because Mona was back and there was a new girl, but that wasn't it either.

"How's that problem coming, Alison?" Benny asked pulling the blonde from her thoughts in his endearing fatherly voice, gravelly from light smoking throughout his years.

"It's not getting done anytime soon, if that's what you're asking."

"Okay, let's see," the aid scooted over to sit across from Alison. All of the other teachers had tablet arm desks except Mr. Dotter who had 2 picnic tables like the ones in the atrium.

Benny went through and explained the steps of solving for cosign, but when he looked up, Alison was totally spaced out again. "Earth to Ali," he said waving his hand in front of her face.

"What?" Alison jumped slightly.

"What are you thinking about?"

"Therapy," Alison answered honestly.

Mr. Dotter overheard and decided to join in, "Oh yeah, how's that going?"

The blonde didn't answer because she didn't know the nature of Day Treatment's relationship with the school side staff. She had already gone off on the therapist once today and didn't think the psychologist would take too kindly to being trashed to the teachers.

"Who's your therapist?"

"Kavanaugh."

Mr. Dotter tried to maintain a neutral face, but couldn't hide his sympathetic frown, while Benny cringed. "Yikes," the aid responded. "There's something really off-putting about that woman. She says 'Hello' in the morning, but it almost feels like it hurts her…in her soul…or wherever her soul is supposed to be."

Alison cracked a smile, realizing that the school staff were merely civil around the doctors when they needed to be.

"Of course it hurts her," Spencer added from the other end of the table. "Anyone who doesn't have a PhD must be beneath a woman _of her ilk._ " the brunette mockingly bowed.

"That's part of her charm right?" Benny said sarcastically causing Mr. Dotter to laugh.

"Dotter, come here," Lexi and Christina called the teacher over to their table. That sounded like a command, but they were probably never taught any better and he didn't feel like making it a _teachable moment_. "This is a letter," Lexi said pointing to her worksheet.

"Yes, it's _x._ "

"So how can it be a number?"

Alison and Spencer shared a look of pity for them and Alison had to once again pull herself back from judgement. They should've had a basic understanding of algebraic variables over 5 years ago, but their unfortunate circumstances, whatever those may have been, didn't give them a chance. Now that they were in here, it was hard to believe that any of them had a chance.

"Alright," Benny tapped Alison's worksheet. "Let's finish this."

# # #

Alison made it through art therapy coloring in mandalas. Not that it was something to _get through_. It was actually one of the highlights of her day. Focusing on matching the colors to patterns let the uneasy feeling from before move to the back of her mind for an hour while she and the other girls got acquainted with the new girl, Shakera.

She was from Bangladesh, about a year older than them, with the sweetest smile and the most contagious laughter. They didn't have to do much talking before they knew that they liked her. She was another friendly face and they needed a lot more of those around here.

As Alison put away the pencils and extra paper when the period was over, she felt slightly less anxious, but knew that the feeling would be short-lived since lunch was approaching—God, just the thought of being in the Day Room…

Emily clasped her hand with Alison's, holding both of their point sheets in the other. Alison smiled gratefully at the brunette as they stepped into the hallway. That smile alone caused Emily to melt every time, without fail. She swore that she could live solely on the seconds the blonde was happy. Little more than a glance her way, and hell, she was fueled for the month.

"Hey lovebirds," Hanna shouted, pulling them back to reality. "We're in Day Treatment, not Paris."

Emily turned around and started to walk backwards toward the intersection of the school and the long hallway down to the Day Room, keeping her hand in Alison's. "Han, has anyone ever told you how obnoxiously loud you are?"

"It's part of her charm," Spencer deadpanned Benny's words from earlier.

"Thank you," the blonde gleamed.

"That wasn't really…forget it."

Emily's laughter was cut off by her own sharp intake when Alison's thumb smoothly stroking her hand became a death-grip. The blonde had stopped dead in her tracks and Emily couldn't tell if it was out of fear or anger. Alison's face was just…blank.

Emily looked at the duo behind Alison. Spencer appeared to be more concerned for the blonde than what she was staring at, and Hanna seemed to be more confused than anything.

"Ali?" Following the blonde's fixated eyes, she turned around and all the blood rushed to her head. Alison had given her a few descriptions, she knew who it was. "You need to leave," the brunette warned darkly, letting go of the blonde's hand and protectively stepping in front of her.

"Do you even know who I am?"

" _I know enough_ ," Emily angrily shot back. "Now leave."

The man chuckled, "Oh, I'm not leaving. I came here to talk to my daughter."

"I thought Ali's dad was AWOL," Hanna whispered to Spencer. "How'd he even get in here?"

"Her parents aren't legally separated. He still has the legal right to see her."

"What makes you think she even wants to see you?!" Emily hissed.

"I think she can talk for herself," he tilted his head to the side to see Alison, "Unless you're mute now."

Alison continued to silently stare into his soulless beady eyes over Emily's shoulder.

"Don't talk to her," Emily warned, her nostrils flared, chest pounding, head throbbing.

The grey-haired man scoffed, "Is this your pit bull?"

Alison's eyes flashed, the hatred for the man who dared to call her his daughter raged and blazed, her pupils now an electric cerulean blue. She glanced down to the brunette's clenched fists. Kenneth wasn't going to leave until they spoke. He was going to keep antagonizing Emily until she punched him, or worse.

Kenneth gestured to Emily, "She's scrappy."

Alison's jaw clenched and her glare hardened. "Spencer, take Em to the Day Room," she instructed, eyes still fixed on the deadbeat.

"What?!" Emily whipped her head to Alison, pulling her arm away from Spencer. The swimmer stared at the blonde, confounded beyond belief. The man who stabbed, neglected, and emotionally tortured her was standing right there and Alison was asking _her_ to leave. "No, I'm not leaving you with him!"

" _Emily, I'm not asking._ " Alison's words came out in a low, murderous tone, a deep-seeded deadly glint in her eyes that made the brunette flinch. "Go."

Hurt and frustration pushed at Emily's chest as she fought to hold onto any bit of rationality. It was clear from the look in Alison's eyes that staying was out of the question. The blonde was perfectly capable of handling herself, but the line between trusting her more than she distrusted Kenneth was blurring.

The brunette huffed and angrily pushed past the blonde, striding down the hallway to the Day Room with Hanna and Spencer in tow.

Talking to Emily like that left a bitter taste in Alison's mouth, but they couldn't stand at a stalemate all day. She needed Emily to fold. Knowing she'd have to apologize later, she forced her longing gaze away from the brunette and led Kenneth into a small room next to the school's office. She gestured for him to enter first, never one to leave her back turned to someone like him.

"So," Kenneth started as Alison closed the door and sat across from him at the small wooden table. "Emily…"

"Don't say her name," Alison growled.

"Is she your girlfriend?" Kenneth continued, unfazed by the harsh exhortation.

Alison scoffed, dumbfounded, "Not your business."

"My daughter's business is my business."

"I haven't been your daughter for along time."

"The hospital let me in, so, according to them, you are."

Alison added that to the never-ending list of reasons to hate this place and took a calculated pause. He had been absent years before he had actually walked out on them, he obviously wasn't here to abduct her. "What are you doing here?"

"I talked to Jason."

Alison's heart rate began to pick up, but her stone-cold expression hid it well.

"He tells me your mother still doesn't want to sue."

Alison eased slightly. He didn't know about Jason being a part-time student. "She doesn't."

"This will come as no shock to you, but I don't want to stay married to your mother forever."

"I'm sure the feeling is mutual," Alison muttered.

"I filed the paperwork for our divorce yesterday. She didn't fight me on anything. She keeps the house and car and the old real estate property in town. Clean cut."

"Then why are you here?" Alison carefully studied Kenneth. He didn't have any kind of briefcase or satchel with him, no paperwork, no records or contracts. "This has nothing to do with Mom," Alison realized, crossing her arms. "You're here to make sure _I_ don't sue you."

"You must want to," he leaned forward, lacing his fingers together on the table. "I know you can find the ammunition to do it."

"So a gun's aimed at you and you want to know if I'll pull the trigger," she surmised.

"I'm here to make sure you holster it, Alison, I already know you'll pull the trigger."

She narrowed her eyes, "And now you want to settle this with me out of court so I don't file a lawsuit." Kenneth tightened his jaw and Alison knew she had him. He wasn't willing to risk his reputation or clientele.

"What do you want?"

# # #

"Em, would you relax?" Hanna begged, watching Emily pace back and forth between the Atrium entrance and the table for what had to be the thousandth time in just the last five minutes. "Alison's probably fine. She can handle herself."

Group had been canceled and the patients were all bored, either taking a nap, fighting each other, or staring into the abyss. Emily had been repeatedly looking to the clock mounted high on the wall, and although she wasn't reading the time, she knew that it wouldn't go any faster no matter how hard she willed it to.

Emily ignored the blonde and continued to pace and beat herself up for leaving Alison alone with Kenneth. This was the man responsible for at least a third of the scars on the blonde's body and she'd never forgive herself if something happened to Alison when she could have been there to protect her.

She'd been worked up all throughout lunch and had to be repeatedly pulled back into her seat by Hanna and Spencer. Mona had to scare her into eating by lecturing her about what happens to the body when it's malnourished.

Emily's eyes shot up at the sound of Alison's wedges hitting the tile in front of the school administration office and the linoleum that lined the corridor. Alison rounded the corner from the office and Emily rushed over to her, meeting her as she entered the atrium. "What did he do? What did he say to you?" The brunette caught sight of Kenneth behind her and began to move towards him, but Alison got a firm hold on her forearms, allowing him to walk by to the elevator lobby.

"Em, stop," Alison implored the brunette to lower her voice. She sidestepped along with her livid girlfriend, mirroring her movements to keep her from leaving the atrium.

"What did you do!?" she yelled after him.

"Let him go."

"What!?"

"Emily, please," Alison pushed Emily further back into the atrium.

Dr. Alcerra heard the commotion as he passed Kenneth. " _Emily_ ," the psychiatrist bellowed from the doorway. "Calm yourself and sit down!"

Emily threw her hand out, "You're letting him go!?" She scoffed, "Of course you are, you're probably the one who let him in!"

"Em, don't." Alison started to panic when she got a good look at Emily. The brunette was too hard to control when she was this agitated and something in her eyes told Alison that she wasn't completely present. Alison glanced over her shoulder and saw Dr. Alcerra walking towards them with purpose. She turned around and moved further in front of Emily, firmly planting herself between her girlfriend and the psychiatrist.

" _I said_ , 'sit _down_ ,'" his voice was now low and threatening.

"I didn't say I wouldn't," Emily shot back. "I'm not hurting anybody."

"You better watch yourself," the man menaced, turning increasingly red. "Don't push your limits with me."

Emily rolled her eyes, "I didn't even do anything!"

Dr. Alcerra raised his eyebrows expectantly, "You wanna keep testing me?"

The vexed brunette let her hands fall at her sides. "What are you even talking about?"

"Benny!" He called out and waited a few seconds for the aid to jog over from the office. "Watch Emily while I get someone to take her down to C-PEP."

The room went silent at the order and Emily and Alison froze.

"What?" Benny looked confusedly at the couple and back at the doctor.

"Just stay here, I'll be right back."

Alison felt stinging tears welling in her eyes as she grappled to get words through her taut throat, "You can't do that," she tried to scream, but it came out as a desperate croak.

"Oh, no?" The doctor spun around at the doorframe, his eyes wild. Alison didn't see a person anymore. This was a beast. "You wanna go down to C-PEP too?"

That very real threat silenced Alison and snapped Emily out of her state of shock. The brunette hooked a protective arm around Alison's waist, pulling her back into warmth and security, soon to be stripped away in a matter of minutes.

The psychiatrist turned triumphantly and all eyes were on the couple. All were filled with a mixture of sadness, pity and anger, because as corruption went, this wasn't a rarity.

"Ali," Emily hedged softly trying to get the blonde to turn around.

Hanna and Spencer watched at a distance, knowing the two didn't have much time before Dr. Alcerra got back. Hanna had been the one to get Emily to smile in in-patient before Alison was admitted. Emily was going in blind again, everyone she knew in 21 West had been discharged, at least of the people she talked to.

Spencer could see anguish written all over Alison as she helplessly grabbed at her stomach over Emily's hand, feeling as though she had just been gutted.

"Ali, please look at me." The swimmer lightly pressed at Alison's hips. The blonde hesitantly turned in her arms, slowly revealing the devastation and ruin on her face.

"I…I don't…" Alison kept opening her mouth to speak, but distraught, choppy utterances were all that came out.

"Please don't cry," Emily brought her hand up to cup the blonde's cheek, her voice cracking as she started to become fully aware of the situation at hand. She was scared, she was angry, and she was still reeling in shock. The aching trying to fell her was there because Alison was in pain—and Alison in pain had to be the worst part of this.

Emily leaned in, her lips just brushing against Alison's. A muffled whimper sounded from the back of the blonde's throat as she turned her head away from Emily's lips.

"You don't get to do that." Alison shook her head slightly, not wanting to disturb the basin of tears already dangerously close to falling. She kept a hand pressed to Emily's chest, but couldn't bring herself to push her away.

"Do what?" Emily whispered against Alison's cheek, briefly closing her eyes when their noses caressed one another.

"Kiss me and act like everything's okay." Emily's thumb gently stroked her cheek and Alison tried not to move, hoping surface tension was still in favor of holding her tears back.

"It's not okay." Emily placed a light kiss to the blonde's cheek. "But they're going to take me away in a minute and they'll have to drag me out if I don't kiss you first."

"How long will they keep you?" Alison chanced a glance at the brunette's bottom lip.

"I don't know," Emily admitted ruefully. Dr. Alcerra held tremendous clout in the hospital's psychiatry units and the only thing Emily was sure of was that he'd make sure she was held well past the 72 hour hold.

Alison looked up into sad brown eyes. Emily was being locked away again for the unforeseeable future and this time she was going to be alone. No Marin-Hastings welcome wagon, no Mona, and definitely no Alison.

"I'm sorry," Emily whispered, stricken with guilt. They both knew that nothing she had done called for another inpatient stay, but she felt guilty nonetheless.

Alison's stomach turned and her chest tightened as their new reality began to set in. Before she knew what she was doing, her arms were wrapping around Emily's neck and she was hesitantly pressing their lips together. Alison could taste the salt from the tears that had fallen and she felt the brunette pull her in closer by her waist as she began to shake. They moved slowly, savoring the few moments they had left and allowing themselves to momentarily push the dread from their thoughts.

The brunette eventually broke the kiss, reluctantly pulling back and brushing loose strands of hair from Alison's face. "Can you take these and call my mom?" Emily asked, placing her phone and keys in Alison's palm. "Here, take this too," she said moving to take her Sharks jacket off.

"No," Alison shook her head and held it closed over Emily's chest. "It'll be cold in the emergency room," the blonde explained

Emily watched Alison fasten the buttons on the letterman from the bottom up, eventually meeting the dulling blue in Alison's eyes. She knew all too well what internal marring was stirring behind them.

The brunette brought Alison's arms from around her neck and placed a soft kiss to her knuckles. She gently cupped Alison's cheeks and felt shaky hands slip back around her waist as the blonde sniffled quietly. "I'll be fine." Emily was trying to sound convincing, but Alison could hear the slight waver in her voice.

"I don't believe you," the blonde whispered.

Emily offered her a sad smile. "I know you don't," she said, pressing her lips to Alison's forehead.

Dr. Alcerra returned with a male nurse and they knew their time was up. "Let's go," he ordered hostilely. The brunette let her hands fall from Alison's cheeks, the tips of their fingers grazing each other as she forced herself to walk away from the blonde.

Alison followed them until she reached the atrium's entrance and felt Spencer and Hanna holding her steady as she watched Emily get taken away.

# # #

By the end of the school day, Alison was wound tighter than a coffee-deprived Spencer and almost fell out of her chair as she slapped her hand down on the desk the second last period was over.

"Do you want us to come with you?" Spencer asked.

"No," Alison hastily shoved the horribly incomplete science worksheet into her bag, the only thing occupying her mind still being if Emily was okay. "You guys go home."

"You sure? We can give you a ride home if you want," Hanna hesitated. She and Spencer had been tiptoeing around Alison since Emily was taken down to C-PEP and they knew she was in a more fragile state than she was letting on. The smallest things were making the blonde grit her teeth and she was growing more and more frustrated as the minutes passed.

Alison let out a sharp growl at the zipper on her bag that wouldn't close. "It's fine," she huffed. She turned on her heel before the two could respond, striding down the corridor as fast as she could and knocking on the ward door.

Nurse Peggy appeared a buzz and a click later, clearly displeased and not surprised at all to see her or the two behind her watching the interaction.

"I'm here to see Emily," Alison said, not wanting to waste any time talking to this woman.

"I can't let you in."

"It's visiting hours," Alison stated, giving the woman her signature glare, "I'm _visiting_ Emily."

"You're a former patient, you can't re-enter the unit as a visitor until 3 months after your discharge date. It's a safety issue," the nurse recited.

"I don't have any plastic bags or sharp objects on me, I just want to see her for a few minutes," Alison fired. Her voice was rising as quickly as her impatience was wearing thin.

Her step forward was anticipated by Peggy and she was stopped by the nurse quickly putting an arm up to block her path.

"Unit policy, DiLaurentis," the woman stated plainly.

Hanna put a gentle hand on the seething girl's back, "Let's go call her from the car." None of them were getting through those doors and if Nurse Peggy was willing to bend the rules for anyone, it wasn't them. Alison shook her head disgustedly as her friends ushered her away from Peggy and out of the hospital.

# # #

Alison parked Emily's car in front of the Fields house as the sun finished setting and let out a heavy sigh before pulling the key from the ignition. After calling the unit and being told she wasn't allowed to be put through to Emily, she told Spencer and Hanna to go home, insisting that she was fine to drop the brunette's car off. She loved them to death, but she had no interest in being around anyone.

As she sat alone in silence, she realized how strange it felt to sit in the driver's seat of Emily's car. It was much more modest than the Audi she and her mother shared, and she preferred the Audi's leather seats, but she never minded being in the small Toyota. The brunette wasn't as prone to road rage, and frankly, she was just a better driver. Her natural athleticism and impeccable reflexes probably had something to do with that. Alison would let Emily take the wheel through rain, sleet, or snow. She felt safe.

She turned to admire the Christmas decorations that were still up. She smiled at Wingy & Pingy and Snowy the Snowman. Emily was such a sweetheart, of course she named him Snowy.

Her smile faltered as her eyes drifted down to the porch, following the line of beaded lights that wrapped around the taller posts. Her mind wandered back to her and Emily's first night together, remembering the way the Christmas lights shimmered across Emily's flawless features, how gentle and reassuring Emily's lips were when they met her scars for the first time. She had given all of herself to Emily that night, and the brunette had been nothing short of a perfect partner— so generous, so cautious, but sure and firm in every movement—and Alison had no idea when she was going to see her again.

The side of her fist landed on the edge of the steering wheel that had been digging into her back just hours ago. She hit the grips as hard as she could for about a minute straight until she let her forehead rest at the top of the wheel.

Light knocks on the passenger window startled Alison out of her reverie. She didn't know how long she had been sitting there, but it had gotten much darker, the windows had fogged, and she was clutching onto Emily's Sharks blanket, now dampening with tears. She reached over and wiped away some of the condensation on the window and unlocked the doors when she saw it was Pam. She wouldn't have opened the doors for anyone else, not when she looked liked this.

She didn't have to look in the rear view mirror to know that her makeup had run and that she had dark circles under her eyes.

"Alison, honey," Pam sighed as she got into the passenger seat. "What are you doing?"

"I'm sorry," Alison sniffled and wiped her face. "I just meant to drop off the car. I'll go."

"No, don't apologize," the woman held her hand over Alison's. "I mean why are you doing _this_? Why are you doing this to yourself?"

"It's my fault she's in there…again."

"Alison, I promise, Emily doesn't blame you—"

"They won't let me see her," Alison hiccuped, helplessly wiping at her cheeks. "Or let me call her…"

Pam watched the blonde's eyes cloud over to a point so far past the fogged windows that her heart couldn't help but break at the sight before her. She spotted Emily's phone in the side pocket of Alison's bag and made a call. "Hi, Aria? It's Pam, Emily's mom." Alison turned to her and she held up a finger while she continued. "Alison needs you right now. I'm about to drive her home. Do you think you could come over to her house? I think this would be one of those SOS's, if you girls still call them that."

Alison still wasn't really in the mood to be around people, but Pam was not the kind of woman you said "No" to, and it probably wasn't a good idea for her to be alone tonight.

"Great, she'll see you in a bit." Pam hung up and slipped the phone back into Alison's bag, "You hang onto that for her."

# # #

"Alison, open the door!"

Aria looked down at Alison who just sniffled and adjusted her head on her lap, ignoring her mother's plea. "You really don't want me to let her in?"

"Sweetie…"

The blonde shook her head and picked at a loose thread on her duvet. She could tell that her makeup had run down and was ruining Aria's jeans, but she didn't seem to mind.

Aria sighed. Something felt wrong about shutting the woman out, but she decided to let it be. The brunette had been waiting in the living room for Alison to get home and the blonde had walked right past her and her mother. She was quick to follow her friend upstairs and was promptly locked in with the blonde when she closed the door before Jessica could reach the top of the stairs.

Alison had relay the entire day's events as she paced around her room, her heart rate becoming erratic and her speech becoming increasingly choppy. It didn't take long before Aria had to physically stop Alison and force her to sit on her bed where she finally broke down again. Aria thought she had seen Alison at her worst. She had seen her after the blonde hadn't groomed for 18 days. She'd seen her depressed, sleep deprived, raging and bloody-knuckled, but she had never seen her truly heartbroken.

The blonde was consumed by guilt, certain that she had made Emily feel like she'd sided with Kenneth over her, and the smaller brunette couldn't say anything to convince her otherwise. Aria wished she could do more for her friend, but maybe just being here was all she was supposed to do right now.

"Sweetheart, at least let me make you something to eat," Jessica begged, rattling the doorknob again.

Alison held Emily's Sharks blanket tight to her chest and turned away from the door. She didn't have the energy to change, much less to deal with her mother and re-live the day for a third time. She closed her eyes as Aria leaned over her to turn the lamp off and let out an aching sob when she felt Aria rubbing circles into her back. The gesture held as much love as when Emily did it, but it just wasn't the same. Emily made the sheets feel softer, she made the air feel lighter, her heart warmer, and the streets a little kinder.

"This isn't forever, Ali."

The blonde dug her fingers into the underside of her pillow. "It feels like it is."

Aria knew the feeling. "I guess you and Em will just have to beat forever." She thought that would comfort her friend, but it just caused her to burrow deeper into her pillow.

Alison eventually exhausted into restless unconsciousness by her own sickening melody; a lullaby comprised of her own sobs, accompanied by weakening knocks from her mother slumped down outside her door.

For the first time in weeks, she cried herself to sleep and didn't think she would stop until Emily came back to reprise the beat of her heart. She spent the night grieving for the girl who might as well have been on the other side of the world, waking up time and time again crying for Emily, and now she finally understood why people said " _Home is where the heart is_."

* * *

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